Sami Holden suggests a relationship is more than political alignment alone.
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Dear Sami,
I’ve been on a few dates with a woman I really enjoy spending time with. I met her through an online website, but her political preferences were not listed. As I know it’s not polite to discuss those kinds of topics on a date, it was never something that was brought up. She casually mentioned being a Republican while referencing the recent debates on our last date. I was shocked. I most definitely am not Republican. Back when I was in college I was even a member of the College Democrats. Is this relationship doomed?
Signed,
Ideologically Concerned
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Dear Ideologically Concerned,
Oh no, a Republican?! End it now! I’m kidding, of course. She did not confess to being from Mars. Although, how much would that even matter? She might be a little more Fox News, and you not so much. Let’s try to put additional thought into whether or not this is a deal breaker. I was a Political Science major for about a year and a half of college before changing to Theatre. I don’t know how entirely qualified that makes me when it comes to political matters of the heart, but if it’s enough for you then let’s continue!
Having different political views does not have to be a deal breaker. Mary Matalin and James Carville have both had careers within the political realm and have opposing views, yet they make it work. Even if her views were within the party that you feel you align with, think about how different each Democrat is. If you’ve spent any time watching the debates, you’ll see that each political candidate differs from each other yet they still fall under the same party label. She could be a Democrat and you could very well not agree on the “correct approach” to everything.
I have friends that align with both parties. What I find interesting is often the lack of willingness in our society to discuss our differences in beliefs. I love talking with people who don’t think exactly like me because the world would be a truly boring place if everyone was a Sami copy. It is easy to assume that because she identifies as being a Republican that she feels a certain way about certain topics. This may not at all be the case. Instead of entering into a discussion with a defensive attitude, try and approach it with an open mind. You may find that you agree on some things that you didn’t think you would. You may disagree on things you thought would be the same.
I think similarities in core beliefs are important for long term potential. This doesn’t mean you have to be the same religion or have the same political views. What I’m talking about are the basic thoughts on how you approach the world, your life, and interactions with others. How does she treat other people? If you are looking for a giving partner, a list of politicians they voted for will not tell you this. I was one of the first in vitro babies born in Wisconsin. I once thought it would be a great idea to go on a date someone whose parents thought I shouldn’t exist, and that my existence was an abomination. That was a problem. Half of my family is Jewish. I should probably not have gone on a third date with someone who was vocally uncomfortable with my Jewish background. These are the important core beliefs that should be similar. Someone you are dating should be OK with your existence.
I don’t believe in taboo conversations. If your true intent is to get to know the other person, you should feel comfortable enough as time progresses to discuss your thoughts and feelings. After all, they are your thoughts and feelings. They matter. Don’t pass on what could be a great relationship based on your assumptions of another person. I’m certain it would be your hope that she wouldn’t make assumptions of you. Instead of keeping your fingers crossed that the topic of politics never comes up again, find a way to thread certain points within a casual conversation that are important to you. Truly listen to what she has to say and see if she truly listens to you as well. There’s nothing wrong with a well-informed conversation among two intelligent people. There’s also nothing wrong with disagreeing. Stay open minded and maybe you can be another great example of how you don’t have to be exactly the same to have a great relationship. Kindness, compassion, caring about someone, a sense of humor, and other great qualities are not determined by a political label. The potential for love isn’t either.
Here’s for better dating days ahead,
~Sami
Source: 30dB.com – Republicans vs Democrats
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Photo: Flickr/DonkeyHotey
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Don. Of course there is. But there is the concept of “deal breaker”. Let’s presume the guy thinks Britain’s National Health Service is a terrific idea because….”free”, “everybody”, and so forth. And she thinks the appalling results are important. He values concepts like “free”, which is to say paid by taxes instead of premiums but you don’t actually see the payments so, being a democrat, you think it’s “free”. She values not dying of dehydration in a filthy bed is important. That can’t be the only instance where they look at the same thing and say and think different things.… Read more »
Jeez! Can we can the hyperbole already! Here’s a news flash for (far too) many, Ted Cruz IS NOT Hitler! Bernie Sanders IS NOT Stalin! They are two AMERICANS who want the best for this country, but just see different ways to achieve it! I am so sick of these blogs(not this one though) that basically state “I’m right and anyone who disagrees with me is an un-American, moronic idiot!” I realize that it doesn’t help that most ‘News’ today is delivered with an idealogical tint to it, be it left or right , depending on where you get it… Read more »
This is exactly the point to be made bobbt. This is also exactly why we’re in the mess we are. We are NOT Democrats OR Republicans. We are Americans who should realize both parties have no interest really in helping us. But both points of view have some merit. Both at the end of the day want the same thing but just come from a different point of view. Except for politicians. True politicians that is. They are a different breed of cat and want what’s best for them. They count on us to fight on their behalf while they… Read more »
Mark, you said “We are NOT Democrats OR Republicans” I have a bumper sticker that says, “I’m not Democrat or Republican. I’m American and I want my country back.”
That’s a good one Tom. I really believe the Tea Party was an honest attempt to get back our country. They posed such a threat to the establishment that both parties worked very hard to misaligned them and denigrate every shred of them through the media. How do you have a 2010 groundswell of candidates elected yet 2 years later not a sound. They just didn’t succumb to the errors of their ways.
Is politics the only thing that matters in life or in our day? Surely there is more to one’s life.
Actually Don, it kind of is. Look around you. The strife and division, internally to the US is directly caused by politics. I was there, and I’ll tell you that this, where we are today, is worse than it was in the 60s. Back then it was mainly kids. Those kids grew up and retained the mindset. They’re back. Added to them is the kids of today who quite frankly don’t know squat. Just as the kids who didn’t really grow up didn’t learn a darn thing between those years. So now you’ve got double the amount of non critical… Read more »
“Ignorance is bliss” is true for many. Maybe the article should have addressed “I’m knowledgeable about politics and I’m dating someone who doesn’t have a clue.”
This article is a great example of how to be inclusive when touching on political topics, rather than the divisive approach plaguing the GMP these days.
Thank you Sami!
Sami. Some views are superior. See Venezuela for a lesson on capitalism versus socialism.
Thing about being a college dem is not that you simply read dem stuff. but that you HATE those who don’t believe as you do. It’s not a fact thing.
I suspect the thing about him being a college dem is not simply that, and his views now, but how he thinks. Can’t be the same as the way she thinks. So he’d not only dump his dem membership cards, he’d have to show that his way of thinking has grossly changed.
I think it would take a mature couple to be able to make it work. Both parties have center leaning so I don’t see hat group having issues with one another. It’s completely different if the two are far left and far right … throw in the towel, it’s over before it gets started. “Dating” and being “friends” are two different things. Dating means that there is a remote chance they get together. In recent times, I have to tell ya that I’m beginning to struggle with my liberal friends. Appears that they have no problem pushing their agenda whereas… Read more »
Far left and far right could definitely be a problem as core beliefs are likely to be very different, but as I said even within party lines a far right Republican might have ideological disagreements with someone that fell within their own party. That’s why it’s important to actually see over time where the person stands on issues versus assuming Republican means one specific thing and Democrat means something specific as well. None of us fall into perfect boxes.
You’re right, assumptions are made when and if people look at a person as “being” that political party. It goes back to the labels people use, I hate them. For example, I work with an AIDS alliance where I deliver meals to homebound AIDS patients, most are gay. The assumption has been made that I lean to the left when in fact I lean heavily to he right. The assumption go the other way as well. What it comes down to for me personally is that I try and succeed in not labeling anyone because of their belief system. I’d… Read more »
I dunno. Given the writer’s letter and background, it’s almost certain he doesn’t view republican ideas as grounded in a superior connection to reality, but to a vile moral failing.
This isn’t going anyplace.
I think you’re reading things into his letter that are not there. Often times when we interact with someone new who we might very well find appealing, we project the idea that they must think the same way we do. Maybe he’s more worried that she won’t find him a prospect if she knows that he was a College Dems member (that’s hardly a background). Also, people’s view points can change over time. Just because he was a part of a club maybe years ago doesn’t mean that his and her opinions don’t align on what they may find to… Read more »
Sometimes one concept is superior to another. See Venezuela as a lesson on capitalism versus socialism.
Point is, being a dem on campus is one thing. Being a member of the club means you HATE people who think differently.
I think at the very least, as he clearly enjoys her company, that there isn’t much to lose by letting it play out a little. Nobody’s proposing marriage here.
Personally, being from the Deep, DEEP South… I’m freaking nutso-liberal radical left-wing, but if I meet a woman who identifies as Republican but is, in every other way, the stuff of dreams… I mean shit, nobody’s perfect.
Plenty of mixed-faith couples make it work, and I can’t imagine a bipartisan relationship being much more difficult. Probably easier in most cases. If she has a Twitter account, you can often get a good read on someone’s political inclinations by their hashtags, or lack thereof.