Phillip Chesnut is a cup-cake decorating guy who cares about his kids—not a bearded mountain man. Can he get his man card back?
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Two recent events in my life led me to feeling the need, no, the urge, to share my thoughts on being a “man” in the 21st century. The first was the constant barrage of Dr. Pepper “Mountain Man” commercials for their 10 calorie soda. I’m not angry at Dr. Pepper. The commercials, I must admit, are funny and entertaining. My frustration lies with this image of what is “manly”. I guess I share in the frustration that many women are feeling in that I don’t feel that I am welcome to enjoy this particular drink because I don’t technically fit the commercial’s image of “manly”. I fit more into the Bounty Quicker Picker Upper commercials as a frustrated mom who is so happy to be cleaning up their child’s juice spill with only one sheet versus a whole roll of paper towels.
I will interject a short bio here so that you can judge my man status for yourself. I am a 34 year old electrical engineer and a father of two boys (Carson, 5 and Miles, 2). I am also a happy husband of 10 years to my wife, Amy. I was born, raised and currently live in Western Kentucky. As an electrical engineer who does not fish or hunt (yes, I live in Kentucky and don’t fish or hunt), I had my man card pulled a while ago and am trying relentlessly to redefine the term “man” so I can get it back someday. I also devote my free time to community volunteerism. I serve on the board of directors of two local non-profits, I am a deacon at my church and my family and I are currently in the process of adopting our soon-to-be daughter from China.
This is where the second event comes into play. A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I were at our church preparing for our youngest son’s second birthday. The theme of the birthday party was dogs, so I was happily preparing cupcakes that were decorated like a dog’s face. One of the congregation members passed by me, put her hand on my shoulder and said, “It’s so nice to see a father take an active role in his children’s life.” I know that this ladies comment had a lot of heart and compassion behind it so I smiled and said “Thank you” and went about my cupcake decorating. This comment truly troubled me though. What this comment said to me was this: “You know, before I had a chance to meet you, I assumed that, as a man, you did not take an active, compassionate role in your children’s life. I am greatly surprised to see a man decorating cupcakes for his own child’s birthday party. I figured you would be at home on a Saturday watching football and having a beer while your wife decorated for this party.” Maybe I’m being too sensitive, but this, to me, is the major problem we are facing today as men.
When are people going to look away from the bearded “Mountain Man” of the Dr. Pepper commercials and look to the thin, slightly nerdy (see attached biography picture) dad who is decorating cupcakes and devoting his time to community needs and say “Wow, now that is a man.” I want to help make this new “man” image a reality. Besides, I want my man card back.
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Photo: apdk/Flickr
Phillip, a MAN takes care of his family and especially his children. He shows his family how much he loves them both in terms of actions and words. You do both exceptionally well. A real man is a true resource for his family, not someone who depletes the family’s resources. Stay on course, my man, and keep those cupcakes coming.
Patriarchy – we are presumed to be as unwilling and incapable of childminding and compassion as women are of leadership and technical jobs. I’m glad you’re pointing this out, but I think it would fill out your argument better to tie it to the struggels of women to be taken seriously as anything caregivers to children.
It is troubling, because there are so many men who do NOT take an active, compassionate role in their children’s lives. I agree that the image of a “real man” needs to be revised. I am one of those who has been most attracted to a rugged, mountain man type, but lately I’m seeing my priorities need an overhaul. It is much more important for a man to be caring, considerate, and loving.
As I reread this, I think I have placed an unfair image of the rugged mountain man. I have met many men who fit that mold. I work for a local electrical utility company. Many of our line crew members fit that rugged mold by day because their job demands it. However, when they put their daddy pants on, they are wonderful fathers who have a very loving, compassionate relationship with their wife and kids. I think you can definitely find that rugged attractive man with a soft, caring heart. Just make him watch “the notebook”. If he cries, he’s… Read more »
Phillip, That woman at church now has one (or one more, we can hope) example of masculinity that she can respect and admire. I fit your type of masculinity more closely than the Dr Pepper (though I haven’t seen those commercials). I made some major changes to my life to spend more time nurturing my family and actually prefer talking to the other moms at school about kid stuff to talking about sports or “guy stuff.” Keep the faith brother, you’re a man and you are making a difference with your choices.
Very true, Tucker. Here in Western Kentucky, a large percentage of men still fit the historical mold of fatherhood and masculinity. The tides are definitely turning, it’s just slower in this part of the world. I too prefer the conversations I have with most of moms.
Yes, you are being too sensitive. Do whatever you want to define yourself as a man and accept your own definition. Whatever other people think of us is none of our business. You are the only one who can pull your man card. There are many styles of manhood.
Calling other men too sensitive is a mean way of stamping on each others emotions and invalidating their feelings or experiences. If men were less afraid to seem sensitive the world would be a radically safer, kinder place.
I understand the message you are sending, Jahn. I do find a certain comfort in my definition of “manly”. It is especially comforting to my wife and children. I think I need to get a piece of cardboard and some markers from my kids room, make my own man-card and hold on tight to it. That’s the one that matters.