Sketch by Vishnu Nair, India
After being nearly two decades in a good marriage, and having seen many upheavals in mine and many others’ marital lives, I have almost concluded that there is no foolproof or one-size-fits-all formula for a successful marriage. As unscientific as it may sound I have started believing in luck—with a generous intent at trying hard to make it work—and the consistent conviction that you need to make it work. And that can only happen in the presence of love.
It wasn’t love at first sight for me. I knew my husband as a colleague and not as a friendly one at that. At least that was my first impression of him. He changed it by being very supportive when I faced tough times professionally, when many of my existing friendships fell apart. He could relate to my problems and call a spade a spade without mollycoddling.
My mother-in-law was a hard nut to crack. She still is by the way.
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We started dating with cautious rations of movies, restaurants and beach walks. While we ate out, we went Dutch. He was too matter-of-fact a guy to spend on stuff like flowers or teddy bears or to insist on paying my part of the bill. Both of us felt that there was nothing wrong in me paying for my food, especially since we both had similar salaries. For me, this lack of chivalry did not matter much but ensured a level playing field.
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Eventually, we shared our first kiss when we realized that the friendship had matured enough to take it to the next level. We also realized quite practically that it would be a waste to not raise the level of the relationship (in his words, better to marry a known devil than an unknown angel). Though we did not have sex before marriage, we were confident that things would not go wrong in bed and fortunately, we were right. For a good year, we were at it like bunnies, and over that year—due to the shared trauma that joint families inflict on newly weds—we developed into passably good friends too. It was a joint decision to live with my in-laws because we were clueless on how to run a family and unwilling or lazy to learn too at that stage.
Meeting such a person, liking him, and falling in love with him eventually is a matter of great serendipity. And that is just the beginning.
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My mother-in-law was a hard nut to crack. She still is by the way. This led to a lot of fights and tension between my husband and me but we overcame all that because we had fallen in love as well.
We had a baby before we could celebrate our first anniversary. Those were tough times. It was not easy being a 22-year old mother, having a physically and mentally trying career, living in a joint family of a different culture altogether, speaking different languages (which added to the feeling of insecurity), and away from parents in a non whatsapp age. For him too, it was not easy to learn to manage expectations at home. The landscape and relationship dynamics were something unfamiliar for both of us. We overcame them alive, but limping. Gradually, we understood each other’s strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, our opinions on the mundane to the deepest of subjects.
Despite our reckless pasts, we both knew we preferred to have total honesty in our relationship too. We started respecting each other more, and slowly even accepting each other for what we are and not for what we wanted each other to be. The last part took more than a decade and half.
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And now in our forties, we have finally reached a fairly peaceful space. Some couples may achieve this peace early, some later and some never. But the preconditions for reaching a near perfect balance in a relationship are not just the intention but also a certain shared similarity of values in life. Meeting such a person, liking him, and falling in love with him eventually is a matter of great serendipity. And that is just the beginning. Making a relationship work is a long and tough journey of forgiveness, honesty, some space and recognition of each other’s individuality.
Even now, I feel a tad upset when my husband—instead of helping—prefers to laugh along with others when I bang myself against glass doors that I always fail to see. Often, he defends my boss’s decisions against mine much to my chagrin. But I am willing to live with these little flaws as long as he competes with me in barbell deadlifts and kettle bell swings—and as long as he helps me pack my suitcase when I travel solo—and as long as we sustain the trust that keeps us in such good space now. Otherwise, there really is no one-size-fits-all solution for a successful marriage.
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