Here’s How Long-Term Couples Keep Themselves from Growing Apart

My grandparents have been married for 50 years and still have their morning coffee together.

They’re the first and main inspiration for me that you still can keep the sparks alive even if you’ve been with your partner for the longest time. It doesn’t have to be dreadful or meaningless.

Nonetheless, here are several things that long-term and healthy couples around me do to grow closer instead of growing apart.

Focus on the good things rather than the imperfections

“Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Many couples fail because they’re too focused on their partner’s flaws. When the honeymoon phase fades away, their partner’s imperfections begin to bother them.

Healthy and long-term couples consciously put in the effort and focus on the good things instead of what their partner doesn’t have. Let’s be honest, who truly gets it all together?

My grandma ever said that getting married won’t necessarily make your life better. You’d soon uncover your partner’s worst sides, so you need to be ready for it.

Avoid assuming you know everything about your partner — things are constantly changing

No one stays the same. Even if things remain the same, certain parts of life will keep changing.

It can be good or bad for long-term couples — depending on how you deal with those changes.

Just because you’ve known that your partner is insensitive, it doesn’t mean they’ll stay like that for the next 5 years. It applies the same to other areas of their life.

Some couples stop growing together and start growing apart because they assume they know their partner so well.

They no longer have space to get to know them anymore. No more feeling curious about each other’s goals and dreams.

No more checking up on each other’s feelings, yet still having the expectations of wanting to be understood and heard.

When this behavior becomes a habit, the relationship will eventually die, and it’s too late to fix the damage.

Respect each other’s wishes and needs

Being in a relationship means you’re ready to share your life with your partner. It’s also called a partnership for a reason.

So that’s why it’s hard to be in one when you’re still too focused on yourself.

Sometimes our partner’s wants don’t align with our wants. Many people think this is a red flag, but it’s impossible to have similar needs and wants all the time.

You don’t have to want or make your partner want the same thing in life. However, you should respect it if you wish to make your relationship healthy.

We all have different needs. What matters is to have each other’s needs fulfilled without one party feeling like compromising too much.

Until today, my grandma still has those stories where she disagrees with the things my grandpa purchased. Still, she knows he liked those stuff so much, so she let him be.

I know it’s small things. However, we’re still individual beings.

At the end of the day, we have our own needs and wants, even if we’re in a committed relationship.

You don’t need someone who has the aligning wants and needs. All you need is someone who can respect them enough and not try too hard to change those things about you.

Have healthy communication — especially during heated arguments

“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” — Peter Drucker

This is the rule my grandma gave me when you fight with your partner: stick to one problem at a time.

She isn’t the only one who has that principle. Many relationship experts talk about how important it is not to bring up the past or focus too much on the future when you’re in a heated conversation with your partner.

It’s what differentiates healthy and unhealthy couples.

I’ve seen many marriages/committed relationships in real life where they don’t even talk to each other anymore — even though they live under the same roof.

They treat each other like a stranger. Or just a roommate to some extent.

Remember, a long-term relationship doesn’t mean it’s healthy and thriving. You can’t expect to be in the honeymoon phase forever with endless sparks.

Still, it makes sense to expect some good communication and the same amount of respect throughout the years.

Knowing how to fight fair with your partner is one of the best things you can do to keep from growing apart.

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For a recap, here are what you can do to grow closer with your long-term partner instead of growing apart:

No one is perfect. Try your best to always see the good things in your partner — rather than focusing on what’s lacking.
As nothing is permanent, stay curious about what’s happening in your partner’s life (outside the relationship). Stop assuming you know everything about them.
You don’t need to have the same wants and needs. If they don’t align, communicate it rather than expect them to change.
Know how to fight productively. Stay respectful and stick to one problem at a time.

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I write about all things that you might struggle with in your love life. My main goal is to make you feel less alone on your journey. If you resonate with my stories, stay in tune by becoming a Medium member here or subscribe here when new articles are posted.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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