Here’s How To Make Your Dating Life Happier

I’m in awe of high-school sweat-hearts that are still together 20 years later and of anyone in a relationship for twenty years. Unfortunately (or not), that’s not me.

When I understood the dating circus didn’t intend to leave my life anytime soon, I felt a bit like a clown. Having the choice, I would prefer to be a happy clown rather than a sad one.

So, first, I went to my friends for advice.

Get married! That’s what my married friends said.
Stay single and enjoy! That’s what my married friends said — after their (first) divorce.
Stay married! That’s what my single friends said, forgetting I wasn’t — yet.

As you can understand, They got me confused… That’s why I decided to turn to science. I found an article in the Harvard Business Review, and my dating game changed for good.

The 8 behaviors described there are proven to increase happiness in life. They can be successfully adapted to the specifics of dating (and even relationships). Here we go!

Make good use of your network and social connections.

That one sounds obvious, even though it might be a tad overlooked with the rise of online dating. However, I don’t want to talk about your network’s potential to be a lead generator. I would rather underline how much social connections matter when you aren’t in a stable relationship.

All the members of your tribe, family, friends, and colleagues are people that can support you in times of singleness. Remember about them.

Challenge yourself to be a better dater and, maybe, partner.

I don’t mean challenges with your other single friends about how many matches you can get or how many dates you can go to in one day.

As the HBR article states, achievable challenges make our lives more interesting and exciting. In the context of dating, the best challenge I could ever think of was to be more open.

If you’re using online dating, you can start with an app like OkCupid, where many questions are available. Answers can be shared with your potential partners so that you can compare them. And, if you match, you can discuss them together. Why not? That’s a good way to know about your (future) partner’s values and dreams.

Challenge yourself to be more open with your partner to your needs and wants. And to their needs and wants.

Aim for frequency over the intensity.

A perfect date would be … perfect, but it doesn’t exist. A better and more realistic plan is to, regularly, have good to great dates.

First, it’s much easier to achieve. Second, it’s like having sex. I might find a few people choosing the other way, but most of us would prefer having regular good to great sex than amazing sex once a year.

In startups, they say that done is better than perfect. In dating culture, let us embrace the idea that good to great every second week is better than perfect once a quarter!

We want our first date to be one of a long series, don’t we? Frequency matters. Even after twenty years, couples go on dates and try to make the best out of it.

Meditate before going on a date.

Have you tried mindful swapping?

I’m not kidding! It’s too easy to swipe mindlessly, going from one profile to another, everything done in a blur. When you match, you don’t even stop to start writing anymore; you keep on swiping. Sounds familiar?

Having a short meditation and/or visualization practice before swiping and before the date helps to (re-)focus on what’s important to you.

When browsing through profiles in your favorite online dating app, the goal isn’t to match with anybody. It’s to find someone you’ll like and enjoy being with (even if it’s for just a few dates). A short meditation can act as a reminder. It puts back your goal at the front of your mind.

In the same manner, meditating right before a date can help reduce the usual apprehension and free your mind of other worries. You’ll start the date with a blank state of mind, open to new experiences, and eager to discover new sides of your partner.

Sleep well to be at your best when dating time comes.

We all know it. Regular sleeping, with a decent number of hours, is good and mandatory for a healthy life. It restores your reserves of patience (and your date will be late), and your tolerance is higher after a good night (imagine if your date prefers Coke over Pepsi).

In the context of dating, it takes yet another dimension, a planning one.

Indeed, if everything goes well with your dating life, there are nights when you won’t get sleep, but a lot of action instead. That’s why you need to anticipate and sleep as much and as good as you can when you’ve got the opportunity. You’ll be fresh and full of energy for date night!

Go out there and exercise together.

There’s one obvious physical exercise that comes to our mind when speaking of dating; yes, I’m talking about finally taking off our pajamas, going under the shower, and dressing up. But it’s not the only one.

Some of my best dates involved practicing some sport together. It doesn’t have to be super intense. But, running or going for a bike ride together is particularly pleasant and efficient to create or strengthen a bond.

It’s even better for first dates:

That’s good for your (and your partner’s) health
You barely know each other, and you’ve already got something in common.
You’ll be able to tell your friends you met in the park or at the ice-skating rink instead of the boring online dating story!

Practice altruism with your dates.

That’s another good activity to practice with a dating partner. Not on a first date, it might be too much. But for a third or fourth, why not?

You’re aware that volunteering leads to better health and is a nice thing to do! But even from a more (maybe) cynical point of view, it can be a valuable card to play.

Volunteering together to help others will create a ‘we vs them’ effect. That’s an excellent feeling to have with a date. Being a ‘we’ is tantamount to sharing a strong bond. On top of helping people in dire situations, volunteering will help you relativize what you considered to be difficulties in your life. It will mechanically make you happier with what you have, including your date.

Do not forget about being grateful.

It’s a bit of a father’s piece of advice. At least, that’s what mine told me to do when invited for dinner or a longer stay at someone’s place.

Always send a thank-you note the day after.

Adapt the intensity of your text to how much you liked the date and, above all, to how much you want to go for another one with the person.

8 rules easy to read but hard to practice.

Social connections, meditation, gratefulness, frequency over intensity, better sleep, physical exercise, altruism.

You’ve heard and read these before. I sure did. Applying them in our daily lives is the real challenge. I hope the above gave you some new ideas or some new reasons to transform them into habits.

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Previously published on medium

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