My son just made five friends in under 30 minutes, and I’m still struggling to make one friend after the age of 30.

We were at the park. My son just walked to a group of 5 kids and told them, “My name is Kareem. I’m six years old. Do you want to be my friend?” And for the last 60 minutes, I have been asking him to go home, but he told me, “Dad, I’m talking to Eva, Andrew, Katherine, Nolan, and Ryan.”

I got the message, stepped back, and allowed him to converse with his new friends.

Kids and young adults don’t have to work too hard to form friends. Friends just kind of happen. But, of course, the older you get, the harder it is to be vulnerable enough to meet new people and invest time to get to know others.

High school and college is the last perfect environment to meet new people and to make new friends. But, unfortunately, as you grow older, you start losing some of your friends.

So, if you want to make more friends, pay attention to the three essential elements that every friendship needs to grow.

Essential Elements of Solid Friendships.

It turns out there is a scientific explanation for why you lose most of your friends as you grow older.

Since the 1950s, sociologists have recognized three essential elements of solid friendships: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.

Proximity is the first to go.

As adulthood takes over, you become more focused on your career and family. You move to a different city for work or a better school district for your kids. You leave your friends behind to focus on your new priorities.

Healthy social networks require attention. But, unfortunately, adults are horrible at making an effort to catch up with their friends.

Repeated, unplanned interaction.

Demands of life, work, family, and taking care of your aging parents leave you little time to interact with your friends, thus increasing your social isolation and leaving you feeling lonely.

You start planning to meet your friends and fail to meet them 99 out 100 times. Life gets in the way, and your friends take a back seat to your immediate life demands.

Comfortable place to be yourself

Solid friendship requires a place where you can be vulnerable and transparent. High school or college were the last two places that you could trust your surroundings enough to be you.

After graduation, the expectation is that you need to be resilient, self-reliant, and strong to solve all of your problems without relying on anyone for emotional support. Unfortunately, this notion or misconception makes it very hard for anyone to make friends.

Be Intentional

So, if you want to make more friends, be intentional about creating the right environment for friendship to prosper. For example, meet people who live or work close to you so you can increase your chances of meeting them repeatedly in places that allow you to be comfortable.

This sociological phenomenon encouraged Tim Urban to divide friends into five tiers.

Five Tiers of Friends

Tim Urban divided friends into five different tiers. Closest friends, pretty good friends, not good friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Understanding these tiers makes you a better friend.

1. Closest Friends

On the top of the mountain, you have your brothers, sisters, cousins, and close friends.

These are your friends that will be at your wedding and your funeral. You can talk to them about anything. They know what makes you happy, but unfortunately, they know what makes you mad, and they know how to push your buttons.

2. Pretty Good Friends

In the middle of the mountain, you have your pretty close friends.

These are your friends that you have to invite to your wedding, but once they get there, they won’t have any responsibilities. So you rarely see them unless you plan to meet them.

3. Not Good Friends

Right under the yellow zone, you have friends that are not friends.

Even if you live in the same city as them, you will rarely see them. Instead, your friendship exists as a part of a group—Toastmasters club, soccer league, and so on.

4. Acquaintances

At the bottom of the mountain, you have your acquaintances, and outside the mountain, you have a lot of strangers.

I call acquaintances “Grocery store friends.” If you see them in the grocery store, you will stop and catch up with them. Otherwise, you won’t make any effort to meet and catch up with each other.

5. Strangers

On the other side, Strangers can enter and leave your life as they please without impacting your daily life. These are grocery store staff, you feel that you know them, but the truth, you will barely remember their names 99% of the time.

Moving friends from one zone to another is not easy, but it is possible. Women have an easier time getting to know people than men, and I believe they are braver and not afraid to show their emotions. Men want to be guarded, and they rarely feel comfortable enough with others to share their vulnerabilities, so trust and bonds get longer to form.

There is Hope.

Research by Aalto University in Finland and Oxford University in the United Kingdom reveals that women lose friends more quickly than men, but at the age of 30, women invest more effort than men in finding and maintaining friends.

Once they find their ideal friend group, women spend more time nurturing these relationships. For men, the older they get, they become more selective about their friends, so they end up socially isolated and lonely most of the time.

However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Both genders can and should invest more time, energy, and resources to meet new people.

It is important to mention also that extroverts and introverts approach friendship differently, but the tips below are helpful to both genders and introverts and extroverts.

Tips to Make Friends After the Age of 30

Be more receptive. Friends don’t have to think and feel the same way about everything.
Get over the fear of talking to strangers. Strangers are just friends that you haven’t met.
Join clubs or defined communities, Toastmasters club, golf club, women group, men group, etc.
Get to know your neighbor. This is a great way to meet friends and increase your sense of belonging to your neighborhood.
Download apps to meet people, but invest your energy and time in taking the friendship offline.

There are a lot of health and social benefits to meeting and spending time with your friends, and I believe you should spend more time meeting your friends.

Let’s be friends.

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This post was previously published on Change Becomes You.

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