Here’s the Blueprint for the Perfect Apology

There’ll be times in life when you have to face the facts — you’ve royally messed up.

And while the moment may have passed, the white-hot wash of guilt lingers like a bad smell. Time to deploy ‘operation fix it.’

The easy route is to double down, ignore, or offer an insincere expression of regret. But these cop-outs only exacerbate the problem and create an own-goal scenario.

You need to aim for heartfelt, genuine words of remorse. But what’s the perfect balance between sincerity and regret?

Well, boffins from Ohio State’s Fisher College of Business have come to the rescue. And they’re armed with a magic formula that’ll help you smash every apology out of the park.

Their 6-Part Apology Formula:

An expression of regret
Explanation of what went wrong
Acknowledgment of responsibility
Declaration of repentance
Offer of repair
Request for forgiveness

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Let’s get into it.

Step 1: When expressing regret, use the phrases ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I apologize.’ This is non-negotiable.

Example: ‘I just wanted to say that I’m so sorry’

Step 2: Name and specify (clearly) what infraction you’re apologizing for. Use a non-defensive account of your motivations.

Example: ‘I shouldn’t have shouted at you last night. I said terrible things (xyz) that I knew would hurt you.’

Step 3: Take responsibility, show empathy. Explain you understand why your actions were hurtful and justify their feelings.

Example: My words were careless, rude, and misplaced. You didn’t deserve that. I completely understand why you were so angry.

Step 4: Repent. Own your wrong. Don’t contextualize or justify; swallow your pride and take 100% responsibility.

Example:‘I regret my actions because they hurt you — and I never want to make you feel like that. It’s completely wrong to use you as an emotional punching bag.’

Step 5: Offer of repair. Talk is cheap when it comes to apologizing. It’s easy to say you’ll change, but following through? Different matter.

Example: ‘I’m going to therapy’ or ‘I won’t use that language again’

*Step away from the vague ‘I’m taking responsibility for my actions’ because how? What will you do to change your behavior?*

Step 6: Ask for forgiveness. Kindly and non-threateningly.

Example: ‘Please forgive me.’

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It’s Going to Cost You

Researcher Yohsuke Ohtsubo calls this a ‘costly apology.’ And he’s not referring to monetary value.

The cost is on you, to work on fixing the situation and make amends. Whether that’s canceling your dinner or booking some therapy sessions — you’re at a disadvantage.

This proves to the victim you mean business, with a genuine intention to repair the relationship. The odds of forgiveness increase tenfold.

Always remember to listen to the other party. This a not a one-way conversation about you or your quest to better yourself. So, back away from the easy trap of a pretty-sounding, vacuous collection of self-centered words.

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This Seems Like a Lot Of Effort…

I for one, am terrible at apologizing. My whole family is. Instead of having a frank conversation to amicably resolve our issues — we sulk or pretend it never happened.

Anyone who holds a grudge for over a day is ridiculed for being ‘sensitive.’

So I’m hardwired for stubbornness. But I want to grow. I’ve got to break generational patterns to better myself, and how I bring up my kids.

Apologizing is difficult because it temporarily lowers self-esteem. There’s a perception that you’ll seem weak, guilty, and have to take responsibility for everything.

And this ‘forecasting’ of negative outcomes can easily persuade you to avoid the problem.

One study found people who didn’t apologize for their upsetting behavior felt more powerful, and they had stuck to their values.

But you know what? People who did apologize for their social mishap got the same psychological benefits — powerful, value adhering, etc.

So, if you want to build strong relationships, a great reputation, and a clear conscience, use this blueprint.

I’ve put it into practice many times, and trust me — it works.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

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