Here’s What My Inner Emo Kid Taught Me About Who I Was Attracting

It’s not who I was attracting, but how I was attracting women.

That can be a good thing or a bad thing. But on a deeper level, it’s not how you’re attracting people, it’s why.

Why do we attract certain people?
Why do we get into relationships that seem to play out the same way over and over again?
Why are the people we’re falling in love with merely reincarnations of the same person we’ve been dating for years?

So here’s the thing, I’ve always been the chill, but rather, gloomy type of guy. I’ve always enjoyed death metal, screamo music, tattoos, and the occasional pair of skinny jeans.

I used to think I was edgy and cool by writing emo poetry or reading Edgar Allen Poe poems or H.P. Lovecraft’s sci-fi horror stories.

Truly, (and I use that term sarcastically) I was the angsty edge lord that everyone looked up to.

Then, when I started dating, it came as no surprise that I started attracting a particular type of girl… Not always, but life tends to bring us the right people at the right time.

And it’s usually about learning some kind of lesson.

Cemetery dates, tattoos, vampires, and good luck charms

On several occasions, I’ve fallen in love with, or at least had a thing for the type of girl with the tattoos peeking out from her shirt, the dark aesthetic, or that “doom and gloom” personality.

The type of girl who lives for Halloween, Bring Me The Horizon, Type O Negative, and dark humor.

Even if she has more of a minimalist aesthetic, I tend to gravitate towards the ones who are still emo at heart. It got so bad, once a girl took me to a cemetery on our first date.

And that’s where we had our first kiss, right on top of a grave ledger.

I fell hard and fast for this girl, and by the time I met her, I had already endured a lot of heartbreak just to lead up to our short-lived time together.

She’s someone — despite causing me a lot of pain — I’m grateful to have met.

Now, you probably didn’t come here to read me drone on and on about my escapades with emo girls or goth women. I get that. Frankly, I’m trying to mix things up from my normal dense, heavy, analytical discussions around attachment theory.

But there is a point to all this.

Our energetic field is unseen but is crucial to how we connect

This whole article is about why we attract certain people, and what it ultimately means about ourselves.

For me, attracting these kinds of women reveals a deeper pattern about myself. It’s not about the aesthetic, though, to be fair, I’ve always found goth/alternative to be incredibly attractive.

And there’s often a layer of emotional depth in them that I truly enjoy.

But in this example, there’s an element of myself I see these women. The unresolved hurt, a deep layer of sadness, but at the same time, an element of acceptance for the darkness within.

We all carry a darkness. A shadow, but most of us just stuff it down so deep and pretend we’re all okay.

Unfortunately, the more we repress a part of our shadow, the more our emotions stay stuck. By ignoring and outright judging our feelings of anger, grief, or sadness, ultimately we stay replay the same relationships over and over again.

And this is when we attract other people of similar frequencies.

Many of us have probably heard how humans have an ‘energetic field.’ Our hearts are essentially organic dynamos.

Always pumping out electricity. And our emotions, all the way from the bottom, including shame to enlightenment at the top, pass through, are absorbed, and linger in this energetic field.

Which makes your mind and body spiritual antennas.

That’s why when you get that ‘tingly’ spine-chilling feeling, something’s up. Something bad is about to happen. It’s a prehistoric, ancient phenomenon that our ancestors used to stay alive.

But in a more mundane, modern sense, this means your partner mirrors your emotions, and you mirror theirs.

Your vibe is crossing into their energetic boundary, and theirs into yours.

Whatever you’re seeking is already within you

This is a good thing and a bad thing.

So if you constantly live in a state of anxiety, chances are you’ll choose someone who’s closer to you on that emotional frequency. Maybe something like anger or grief — as long as it closely matches up.

But if you’re trying to attract the bubbly, carefree, happy kind of people, you’re unlikely to even resonate or relate to that kind of energy. And vice versa.

If I wanted to ditch the positive qualities of the emo/goth subculture:

The mysteriousness
The depth of conversation and connection
The allure of the darkness
Creativity
Art
The taboo
Rebelliousness

And attract an entirely new set of women, I’d have to change my energy. This usually involves some type of letting go.

(Which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s something we all have to keep in mind)

Remember, fundamentally, we’re all attracted to what’s familiar. We subconsciously choose people who match us emotionally, spiritually, and energetically.

We also tend to pick partners who are our polar opposite attachment-wise. Avoidants pick anxious partners, and anxious partners pick avoidants. And we also choose partners who match our confidence or self-esteem.

There’s a lot that goes into it, but who you pick isn’t a random accident. It’s not a fluke. Who you fall in love with says A LOT about who you are as a person.

…

Subscribe to my Substack for greater depth into the psychology behind relationships, letting go, personal growth, and writing strategies.

For weekly content, follow me here on Medium.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***