It took Damien a long time to realize that truly connected, intimate sex was immeasurably better than the meaningless encounters he’d been pursuing.
Sex has been a challenge for me from the moment I first discovered what it was. Even though it was to be many years before I started exploring women with more than my eyes, I still remember the fascination and wonder I felt at seeing a woman’s naked body for the first time in the porn magazines at my neighbor’s house.
I was a late bloomer. In my teens, and actually for a lot longer after that, talking about sex made me incredibly uncomfortable. I remember even lying about it, saying that I had had sex when I was still several years away. My first sexual experience was around the age of 16. It was actually an almost-experience. We almost had sex but didn’t, because I was so drunk I could not manage to get it up. The whole experience, with a woman who I was not attracted to (and who my friends later made fun of me for), traumatized me in a way that left me reluctant to engage myself sexually for quite a few more years. I remember the shame I felt watching those guys who were successful with women. They got the hot girls, and usually moved through them fairly quickly—being with more women in one year than I even managed to courage to talk to in the same period of time.
Sex for me, and I think for many other men, has been a difficult thing to build a healthy relationship with. A difficulty born of the pressure from other men to conquer, to get laid, to prove that we are good enough, worthy enough that girls will let us fuck them. And as horrible as it sounds, this is an attitude held by many men. Life is a competition among men, especially when we are younger. We all want to be the stud, the alpha male who all the women throw themselves at. And we often judge our worth against each other—through either sexual or sport/physical competition (and in our minds we often link prowess between the two, even though they are most certainly not always related).
On the other side of this peer pressure is an intense biological imperative, this desire to procreate, to spread our seed as wide and as far as we can. I can remember being between the ages of 16 and 19 and feeling like not much more than a walking hard on. There was immense frustration and confusion around my body and my sexuality, or lack of. Add to that, just to increase the pressure a little, the self-confidence issues that hinder the process of sexual exploration.
Despite all these pressures upon me, at the age of 20 I finally managed to ‘get some’ for the first time. It wasn’t with someone I felt any real attraction to, emotional or physical, and she was 10 years older than me. She was comfortable enough in her own sexual experience and non-threatening enough that I felt safe. Still, I remember being so nervous that I wouldn’t be able to perform that I drank a lot of water beforehand—hoping the urge to pee would ensure I got an erection.
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Once I finally did have sex, I discovered that somehow I was able to bring a lot of pleasure to the women I was with. I become more confident, although it always remained an edge for me. I became more sexually adventurous and in the years that passed I have been with my fair share of women and have been the provider of quite a lot of orgasms, and I am proud to say quite a lot of multiple orgasms too. The down side to this—and this is a difficult thing to share so openly—is that even though I genuinely liked all of the woman I have been with, most the time my heart, mind and body were not in alignment when I was with them.
What I mean is I fucked a lot of women for the sake of sex itself—for the competition (in my mind), for the validation, for the sensation, and not because of any genuine desire for intimate connection with this person. In some instances this was okay, as there was a shared agreement about the nature of our relationship. In other instances this was really NOT okay. as the woman I was with did want more from our relationship and when I realized this, being the overly accommodating young man I was, I tried my best to be whatever she wanted, even when in my heart I was not feeling it. The result—people got hurt.
I have been working a lot with the resultant shame of this disrespectful approach to sex and women. A practice I have come up with is to make a list of all the women I have been sexual with, and take time with each memory. I try to pay attention to what residual feelings I still had about each of them. Through this feeling process, I’ve come to peace with myself and this aspect of my past, and I send love to each person.
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What I feel now is that sex is an extension of an intimate connection with another person. Sex can be so much more than the merely physical act of a penis inside a vagina and the physical sensation of an orgasm that sometimes accompanies such an act. Sex is an expression of the way I feel about you and the way you feel about me, and if we aren’t feeling connected, then why are we having sex in the first place?
For some people this may be a big “of course!” For me, however, it has taken a lot to get to this place, to discover in myself enough self-esteem that I am comfortable enough to say NO and hold out for when I really feel it, when my heart feels connected in such a way that the resulting boner feels like an extension of the pulsing in my heart itself.
My cock no longer rules my sex life, my brain no longer rules my sex life… my heart and balls are coming into alignment and it feels good. It feels good that sex is no longer something I crave as an addiction, and that I now have choice around my sexuality. Any woman out there who may share my bed (or wherever else we might find ourselves) can know that I am in this with her completely… heart, body, mind and spirit. It may be a short, intensely passionate fling, it may be a longer romance or it may be lifelong… whatever it is, my heart and your heart hold the final decision on whether we share in that union of penetration, and if we both don’t feel it…it aint happening.
I put this article out—exposing myself in a very raw way—as a call to myself and all men out there: fucking without the heart is violence against both women and ourselves! Drop the porn, drop the inappropriate sex-hungry nightclub and bar-prowling for pussy, drop the counting and gloating games, drop the seduction strategies… and breathe deep into the balls, and let them connect to the heart. Sex is something we deserve to share with the most beautiful and close people in our lives, those we truly wish to be intimate with and know deeply and to be one with.
Be a sexually ravenous man who lives from the heart. It’s that much more fulfilling.
Photo: Flickr/scatto felino
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Awesome article Damien. Thanks for putting this out there. I’m sharing it on my facebook page.
Wow a lot of people are defensive about the idea that one person has decided that he doesn’t want casual sex and decided to write about it. It’s his perspective, doesn’t mean you have to agree. The word “violence” pushed a lot of buttons but I think the author was speaking metaphorically. I also pick up kind of a Buddhist or Buddhist-inspired slant from this article. In Buddhism, the idea of “violence” can be emotional and mental as well as physical. Violent thoughts can lead to violent actions, which is why Buddhists work on cultivating a non-violent attitude in their… Read more »
Thanks for your input Sarah. Actually my article wasn’t against the idea of casual sex, rather it is against the attitude of sex for the sake of sex. I have found it completely possible to engage in a casual, physical relationship in which both of us are aware that it is temporary and without attachment… and yet still experience those levels of intimacy, care and heart-connection. I imagine that putting this out there is triggering to some because it puts into question the way we relate to sex… and I think for many of us there are still a lot… Read more »
Thank you, Damien, for hearing me. The spirit of your message is a laudable one and I agreed with most of it. It’s not for everybody, and that’s ok; all views within the realm of consent are valid, but I appreciate your consideration of my points. For some reason, the website wouldn’t let me reply directly after you this time….I wish you all the best.
I loved reading this. I’m one of the ‘of course’ people, I guess, but only because I’ve done the journey of reuniting head, heart and genitals and understand the depth and richness it brings. Sex was great before that unity, but it’s so much more when all three are working together. And I particularly liked the phrase ‘a sexually ravenous man who lives from the heart’. Thank you for sharing your openess.
So, although “sex has been a challenge” for you, you have still “fucked a lot of women”.
Thanks. That’s good to know. I guess.
I have also reached this point. I have actually started a blog about it. http://www.onlyearsex.blog.com. I disagree that those who ‘choose’ casual sex over meaningful sex are happy with it. I used to be one of them and I might have said I was ok, thought I was ok, there are people everywhere, every day who lie to themselves and live in self denial. I started having casual encounters, sex for the sake of sex and not much want for a meaningful connection that ‘i kinda got stuck in it. When I did try to build a ‘connection’ I was… Read more »
So YOU found that choosing casual sex over sex in a relationship made YOU unhappy. That’s great! I’m really happy you had that realization. For some of us, casual sex does not make us less happy. It works just great and we’re extremely satisfied with the situation we have built for ourselves. Or, some of us don’t have the time/energy/stable-living-situation required to maintain a more serious relationship. Casual sex means we don’t have to remain celibate. Some of us choose casual sex because we are self-aware enough to know that it’s the right choice for us right now. We are… Read more »
Ok Dan. Fair enough. I will ad though that casual sex use to work for me and no longer does.
I agree in that casual sexual encounters do not fall under the cateogry of ‘sexual violence’, however, I think I understand the point he was trying to make (probably a bad word choice for this particular case). I am also a late bloomer (25). I had my first sexual encounter with a woman when I was 20, although I didn’t really go to actual intercourse because I was not comfortable with just how random the situation was, and also because I didn’t really know the women I was getting involved with. I had similar sexual experiences a couple of times,… Read more »
Not only is this solid opinion, that not all will agree with (and that doesn’t make either side wrong), I have to point out that equating casual sex to “violence against women and ourselves” is both a grave show of ignorance about what real sexual violence is, and offensive to those who have been harmed by it. I expect those for whom casual sex is just fine, thanks, may feel offended by that example, too. Casual sex is not “violence” done to anybody. It is a choice, one that meets the needs of many people whose opinions and choices are… Read more »
It’s not just your opinion! I feel pretty much the same. I don’t get this drive to position appropriate male (or female) sexuality solely as an extension of one’s emotional life/connections. Is it vastly different from saying one shouldn’t work unless they truly have a calling to some vocation? For most people, I would think that’s a ridiculous notion.
W.R.R. You missed the point. I think casual sex is fine, monogamous sex is fine, polyamorous sex is fine, swinging is fine, one night stands are fine, sexuality any which way we feel so inclined is fine provided that it comes from a space of the heart. That we feel in alignment with ‘the greater good’ (whatever that means for anyone) and our sexuality… that we are not fucking to escape from feeling shitty, we are not fucking to chalk one more up on our personal scoreboard, we are not fucking so we can boast to our friends. That’s all,… Read more »
I didn’t miss the point. Your response to me bears little resemblance to your original article, in which you stated that casual sex was “violence done to women and ourselves”. I am well aware of what real violence is; I am a survivor of child rape and incest. “Violence” was when I was raped at age four by my father. Consensual adult casual sex and violence have nothing to do with each other, and to use the word “violence” and equate it to casual sex is offensive and ignorant. A responsible person who cares about avoiding adding to rape culture… Read more »
From the article, the only place where the word “violence” was used: “fucking without the heart is violence against both women and ourselves!” The term casual sex was not even mentioned in that paragraph and nowhere did I make a statement that consensual casual sex is violence. Any link between casual sex and heartless sex has been your own interpretation. And yes I stand by my statement that fucking without having real care, compassion and a feeling of connection… even if it is only a casual encounter genuine feelings of care and connection can be present… is violence, emotional violence… Read more »
I would bet there are many victims of rape who would be offended at you calling any consensual sex of any sort “violence”. I don’t think imperfect quoting of the essence of your statement warrants the dismissive tone you are responding to me with on this matter. Words mean specific things. Violence in sex is called rape. Sex without heart engaged, which is nevertheless consensual (to avoid being rape) cannot and should not be called “violence”, not by any responsible person who doesn’t seek to perpetuate rape culture. You sound defensive. I am merely pointing out that use of the… Read more »
I am a rape and incest survivor and I understood completely what Damien meant and was not offended in any way by his words. My two cents.
In your article you state that you were not having sex with your heart and clarify on this by saying: What I mean is I fucked a lot of women for the sake of sex itself—for the competition (in my mind), for the validation, for the sensation, and not because of any genuine desire for intimate connection with this person. You specifically list having sex for the sake of it or for the sensation as “fucking without the heart”. Most people would agree that sex for sex’s sake is one of the definition’s of casual sex. In fact, you go… Read more »
Jack. Wow… what a way to use you logic to come to your own conclusions and rephrasing what I am saying in your words. Of course it is now no longer what I am saying, it is what YOU are saying. Casual sex can very easily have a component of heart and intimacy. If we are good friends with this person and this is a natural extension of the expression of our relationship. One night stands can also have a component of heart and intimacy if it is the same we meet someone we have some intense connection with and… Read more »
I think there are implications in what you’re saying whether intended or not. Perhaps part of the disconnect is in how we define “casual sex” to begin with because honestly I wouldn’t consider it so casual if every sexual encounter required the level of emotional and spiritual connection you seem to be suggesting. In fact, I know a lot of people actively avoid this in order to avoid people getting too attached for what should be a one night thing. You are saying at the very least that sex for its own sake is a form of violence, since you… Read more »
Thank you, Jack, I agree with your every word. I’m afraid with the way I am being spoken to by Damien and my (our) complaint ignored, that I won’t be able to debate this further. It is triggering me to read that sick connection between “consensual sex between adults” and the word “violence”. For the record, I was raped, beaten, tortured and rented out to many pedophiles from age five onward. I’m well aware of what “violence” means, and it has no place in a realm of adult consensual sex of any type. The idea is abhorrent to me. Clearly,… Read more »
I apologise W.R.R. and I have no words to explain how I feel about reading of your experiences. I truly wish the type of thing you have experienced did not exist in the world. I am working to be clear on my definition of this term ‘violence’ from my own experience. When I have been sexual with a woman and then as a result of that encounter felt shame because my whole ‘being’ was not involved, then I consider that I have acted with violence towards myself and her. I have done something that hurts me and very well may… Read more »
Damien, while I can say thanks for the apology, if you insist on using a flashy, exciting, hit-generating word this way, then I remain convinced that you don’t wish to acknowledge the problem inherent in its use in this context. It is not my job to find a new word for you. What I have tried to do is make you aware that the word “violence” in context with any form of consensual adult sex is offensive to actual victims of real sexual and physical violence, and it belittles what we endured and survived. The rape culture generated phrase, “I… Read more »
I hear and acknowledge you W.R.R. I see your point and in the context you set for the word violence in sexuality, upon reflection I can see was used by me to denote the strength of my own feelings based on the topic I am discussing. I cannot, at this moment, think of another word as adequate to use in replacement to show my feelings about sex that does not respect emotional maturity (being able to chose with awareness of our heart, which to me means ability to foresee and pre-navigate the repercussions of our actions, which is always an… Read more »
“Sex is something we deserve to share with the most beautiful and close people in our lives, those we truly wish to be intimate with and know deeply and to be one with.”
Speak for yourself. I truly scoff at the notion.
It is always you highly sexualized people who write these kinds of pieces. I wonder if you had not “fucked a lot of women” would you feel the same? I seriously doubt it.
Jules, you sound a bit bitter. Wanna get out there and get loads of being laid. So that you can relate to this opinion?
@NK… I am not bitter AND I am getting laid several times a week. No, I have not “fucked a lot of women.” But, since my divorce (sexless marriage) I can tell you a few women have been fucked a lot by me. And no the women are NOT ” the most beautiful and close people in our lives, those we truly wish to be intimate with and know deeply and to be one with.” They are friends and lovers. We have great sex. It really annoys me how some men (and women) who have been out in life screwing… Read more »
Friends and lovers sounds good to me and sounds like sex and heart, which is the my point of the article.
If you feel the article touches a sore point in you maybe it is pointing to something you feel out of integrity with which is uncomfortable in yourself, rather than my ‘arrogance’ or presumption to tell you how to live your sex life.
Damien,
You are both confused and confusing. But, it is your life. Live it as you damn well please.
Just don’t be patronizing and try to tell me how to live mine. Communism is dead!!!
@Julia Byrd – So now your getting laid – great for you. I do not interpret this article are patronising (which I think -is what you are saying?). Im not sure why you think it is ???? My opinion is that EVERYONE (whether they know it, admit it or reject it) secretly wants to have this kind of sexual and platonic connection with someone else. If you disagree, ok. As I said, I didn’t always feel this way, but I came down to the conclusion after experience, which teaches lessons and helps you realise yourself. You might not be ‘there’… Read more »
@NK…Just who the f**K this guy is to tell ANYONE this nonsense!!!! It is merely his opinion. And one I happen NOT to share. Btw, does he think also think hooking up by young women is violence against themselves? His answer really does not matter because he lacks any moral authority to make such assertions about anyone, other than himself. The gall. What if a man were to assert to women?: “fucking without the heart is violence against both men and ourselves! Drop the porn, drop the inappropriate sex-hungry nightclub and bar-prowling for cock, drop the counting and gloating games,… Read more »
You, my friend, can do whatever you want. Yes it is my opinion and it is not a command, it is a call… for those who hear and find a resonation with my words it will make sense, for others it wont. I imagine if I had read my own article at a previous time in my life I would have found it confusing. And to the women who fuck without the heart and prowl nightclubs for cock… I’m sure many men would gladly fuck them and then leave them as fast as possible glad to get a nice dose… Read more »
@ Damien
“You, my friend, can do whatever you want.”
And you, my friend, can find the tallest tree in North America and do whatever you want too!!!
Telling strangers how to fuck and manage their sex lives is empowering too! Though for the audience… maybe not so much.