It took Damien a long time to realize that truly connected, intimate sex was immeasurably better than the meaningless encounters he’d been pursuing.
Sex has been a challenge for me from the moment I first discovered what it was. Even though it was to be many years before I started exploring women with more than my eyes, I still remember the fascination and wonder I felt at seeing a woman’s naked body for the first time in the porn magazines at my neighbor’s house.
I was a late bloomer. In my teens, and actually for a lot longer after that, talking about sex made me incredibly uncomfortable. I remember even lying about it, saying that I had had sex when I was still several years away. My first sexual experience was around the age of 16. It was actually an almost-experience. We almost had sex but didn’t, because I was so drunk I could not manage to get it up. The whole experience, with a woman who I was not attracted to (and who my friends later made fun of me for), traumatized me in a way that left me reluctant to engage myself sexually for quite a few more years. I remember the shame I felt watching those guys who were successful with women. They got the hot girls, and usually moved through them fairly quickly—being with more women in one year than I even managed to courage to talk to in the same period of time.
Sex for me, and I think for many other men, has been a difficult thing to build a healthy relationship with. A difficulty born of the pressure from other men to conquer, to get laid, to prove that we are good enough, worthy enough that girls will let us fuck them. And as horrible as it sounds, this is an attitude held by many men. Life is a competition among men, especially when we are younger. We all want to be the stud, the alpha male who all the women throw themselves at. And we often judge our worth against each other—through either sexual or sport/physical competition (and in our minds we often link prowess between the two, even though they are most certainly not always related).
On the other side of this peer pressure is an intense biological imperative, this desire to procreate, to spread our seed as wide and as far as we can. I can remember being between the ages of 16 and 19 and feeling like not much more than a walking hard on. There was immense frustration and confusion around my body and my sexuality, or lack of. Add to that, just to increase the pressure a little, the self-confidence issues that hinder the process of sexual exploration.
Despite all these pressures upon me, at the age of 20 I finally managed to ‘get some’ for the first time. It wasn’t with someone I felt any real attraction to, emotional or physical, and she was 10 years older than me. She was comfortable enough in her own sexual experience and non-threatening enough that I felt safe. Still, I remember being so nervous that I wouldn’t be able to perform that I drank a lot of water beforehand—hoping the urge to pee would ensure I got an erection.
Once I finally did have sex, I discovered that somehow I was able to bring a lot of pleasure to the women I was with. I become more confident, although it always remained an edge for me. I became more sexually adventurous and in the years that passed I have been with my fair share of women and have been the provider of quite a lot of orgasms, and I am proud to say quite a lot of multiple orgasms too. The down side to this—and this is a difficult thing to share so openly—is that even though I genuinely liked all of the woman I have been with, most the time my heart, mind and body were not in alignment when I was with them.
What I mean is I fucked a lot of women for the sake of sex itself—for the competition (in my mind), for the validation, for the sensation, and not because of any genuine desire for intimate connection with this person. In some instances this was okay, as there was a shared agreement about the nature of our relationship. In other instances this was really NOT okay. as the woman I was with did want more from our relationship and when I realized this, being the overly accommodating young man I was, I tried my best to be whatever she wanted, even when in my heart I was not feeling it. The result—people got hurt.
I have been working a lot with the resultant shame of this disrespectful approach to sex and women. A practice I have come up with is to make a list of all the women I have been sexual with, and take time with each memory. I try to pay attention to what residual feelings I still had about each of them. Through this feeling process, I’ve come to peace with myself and this aspect of my past, and I send love to each person.
What I feel now is that sex is an extension of an intimate connection with another person. Sex can be so much more than the merely physical act of a penis inside a vagina and the physical sensation of an orgasm that sometimes accompanies such an act. Sex is an expression of the way I feel about you and the way you feel about me, and if we aren’t feeling connected, then why are we having sex in the first place?
For some people this may be a big “of course!” For me, however, it has taken a lot to get to this place, to discover in myself enough self-esteem that I am comfortable enough to say NO and hold out for when I really feel it, when my heart feels connected in such a way that the resulting boner feels like an extension of the pulsing in my heart itself.
My cock no longer rules my sex life, my brain no longer rules my sex life… my heart and balls are coming into alignment and it feels good. It feels good that sex is no longer something I crave as an addiction, and that I now have choice around my sexuality. Any woman out there who may share my bed (or wherever else we might find ourselves) can know that I am in this with her completely… heart, body, mind and spirit. It may be a short, intensely passionate fling, it may be a longer romance or it may be lifelong… whatever it is, my heart and your heart hold the final decision on whether we share in that union of penetration, and if we both don’t feel it…it aint happening.
I put this article out—exposing myself in a very raw way—as a call to myself and all men out there: fucking without the heart is violence against both women and ourselves! Drop the porn, drop the inappropriate sex-hungry nightclub and bar-prowling for pussy, drop the counting and gloating games, drop the seduction strategies… and breathe deep into the balls, and let them connect to the heart. Sex is something we deserve to share with the most beautiful and close people in our lives, those we truly wish to be intimate with and know deeply and to be one with.
Be a sexually ravenous man who lives from the heart. It’s that much more fulfilling.
Photo: Flickr/scatto felino