A man looks to Eli and Josie for answers on why, after he confessed his love for a female friend, she went away completely.
Dear Sexes: I’ve been in love with a friend of mine for a long time. We had grown emotionally close over the last months, and I was helping her solve many personal issues she wouldn’t dare tell anyone else. But there remained distance. When I finally told her how I felt, she revealed she has a boyfriend—something she had previously denied. Now she has stopped talking to me altogether. I’m terribly confused and upset. Can I still save our friendship? Or was she just using me for emotional support?
She Said: My main concern is that she didn’t tell you that she had a boyfriend. That is a little glitch in the trust you should have in a friend.
I can think of two reasons for this. First, she wanted to have an intimate emotional relationship with you (as a friend) and was afraid you wouldn’t be willing to do that without the promise—somewhere on the horizon—that she might be available. She was probably afraid she would lose your friendship if you knew.
The other reason is that maybe she doesn’t have those types of feelings for you right now, and believes that saying “no” to you is less painful if it’s because she has a boyfriend. Like, it’s not a rejection of you as a person, but rather that she’s already “taken”.
Here’s a weird thing some women do (and possibly some men). We cannot believe that we have value to men except as a romantic or sexual partner. Could you really love me as just a human being, and be my friend, and be trustworthy and honest if you don’t think you’ll get to sleep with me?
I think we’ve been so inundated our whole lives with messages saying that we are lovers, sex objects, wives, moms and sisters of men—and not just friends—and we really believe that our only worth is in fulfilling those roles.
Or perhaps, as I said, she doesn’t feel that saying simply, “I love you as a friend, and am so glad we’re close, but I don’t feel romantically toward you right now” is legitimate on its own. As in, if she doesn’t belong to someone else, why wouldn’t she be available to belong to you?
That doesn’t mean you’ve been approaching her with this attitude, but rather it’s something we learn from our childhood. If you’re a man and she’s a woman, you’ll remember the message that boys and girls can’t be friends. Think of “Girls have cooties” and “Girls rule and boys drool”? As grown-ups, we’ve been taught that men and women can’t be friends without eventually falling in love and ruining everything. See every romantic comedy every to appear on screen!
You can potentially salvage this relationship. Let her know she means a lot to you as a person, and that you value her friendship and wouldn’t want it to be hurt by your feelings.
Then remind yourself that sometimes feelings are just feelings, and nothing more. They don’t have to overwhelm you or break your heart. You can watch that crush come into your chest, then you can watch it pass.
Sounds like you’re a great friend. Just keep that up!
He Said: Yes, and yes—to answer your questions—with conditions. Yes, you can still save your friendship, if you really want to, and if your friend is also interested in having a friendship. If your friend was leading you on/using you for emotional support, is that okay with you? Do you want to have a friendship with someone like that? Or were you getting something out of the exchange as well? Be careful to make sure you’re honest with yourself as opposed to making a victim of yourself.
Having said that, I’m sorry you’re upset and hurting. Unrequited love is always painful, especially when it involves an established friend. As you say, your friend was sharing a lot with you, creating a sense of intimacy. But don’t confuse sharing with romantic caring. Judge your friend by her actions, not her words. If she really wants to more than just a friendship with you, she’ll let you know. What did she say, when you told her how you felt about her? Did she ANYTHING about her feelings for you?
Also, try your best not to ignore the warning signs—now and in the future. That “distance” you noticed was the fact that your friend had a boyfriend. Most likely she denied it, because she enjoyed the extra attention from you. Maybe you were offering some emotional support she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend. She also probably knew if she discussed her boyfriend with you, you would lose some of your romantic hopes for the two of you.
Now that you know exactly where you stand, she’s stopped communicating with you completely? I’d say it’s time to move on. You’ve made your feelings clear. If she wants to change the dynamic of your relationship, it’s up to her. Let her make the next move, and don’t wait around to find out the answer. If you’re the only one taking risks or being vulnerable, you’ll end up being the only one who gets hurt. Obviously you don’t want your friend to be hurt, but let her be the one to reach out for once. And when/if that happens, be clear and honest with each other regarding your intentions.
Do you have a question for Eli and Josie? Ask it here!
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Photo: Flickr/AleBonvini
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“I think we’ve been so inundated our whole lives with messages saying that we are lovers, sex objects, wives, moms and sisters of men—and not just friends—and we really believe that our only worth is in fulfilling those roles.”
Oh STFU with this bullsh*t already.
From my point of view, it’s doubtful that this guy and girl EVER really had a true friendship. Usually, when there’s a strong undercurrent of physical attraction between men and women (no matter which gender it’s coming from)—then the friendship is just a façade, an act, or a smokescreen that one of them is using to eventually try to seduce the other. True, the girl may have been using the guy for his attention. But, it’s also possible that this guy was hiding his TRUE feelings just to set the stage (see— “grow the guts”) to tell her how he… Read more »
I hear her boyfriend’s voice in the background here. I can imagine that his feelings are part of the equation, as I think they should be. I can hear him now: “He’s clearly in love with you. I don’t like you hanging out with him, because I don’t trust him. I’m very uncomfortable with the whole idea. He knows you have a boyfriend, right?” Her truthful answer: No, he doesn’t know. “What? What do you mean he doesn’t know about me? You haven’t told him that you have a boyfriend. Seems like if you were close friends then my name… Read more »
“When I finally told her how I felt, she revealed she has a boyfriend—something she had previously denied. Now she has stopped talking to me altogether.”
I don’t really think that her having a boyfriend or not, or if she was lying to you earlier denying having one or doing it now claiming to have one, is the real issue here.
The point is that you confessed you feelings for her, and now she won’t talk to you. Clearly she doesn’t want the “burden” of your romantic feelings.
Good point. If she stopped talking to you altogether, then what other answer do you need? If that’s not a clear enough message, then I’m wondering what kind of signal he’s waiting for. Skywriting? The Bat Signal?
[no sarcasm here. I’m serious this time.] Dear Letter Writer, You have some emotional homework to do. It’s not fair that you have to do it, you deserve to have a life where you don’t have to do it, but unfortunately it’s something you need to do in life. This will feel completely unfair, because what about her and all the stuff she has to fix in herself? That will happen or not regardless of what you do, and only she can do that for her. If you’ve already done this work, then this will just be review. The more… Read more »
I think in this case He Said’s response is more useful. She Said’s response gives some insight into what might be going on in her head, but even then it’s more speculation than advice. If it even matters what her motivations were, let’s not overlook the possibility that she was conflicted because she was attracted to you and to her boyfriend at the same time, or maybe she was keeping her options open. We’re assuming that she had a boyfriend that entire time, but maybe he didn’t become her boyfriend until later in your friendship. I appreciate the idea of… Read more »
Why is it never discussed why women continually push away men in their lives who they are probably best suited to be in a relationship with? I never see women or female oriented websites tackling this issue. If anything continued support is offered for women who dismiss their male friends as a sexual relationship partner who they have deep connections with. These men who want to take their friendships “to another level” seem to really understand what makes for a good relationship. Why are women so blind to this, and why is it never addressed that there is something wrong… Read more »
Jimbo, women talk about this all the time! I’ve even talked about it here on GMP at least once, if not twice. It’s all over the place. There’s an article here on GMP by Everyday Feminism that talks about it too… or maybe it was on the EF site… Regardless, there are a ton of places in the Internet where women talk about falling for toxic men and breaking out of the cycle of drama-filled or dangerous/unhealthy relationships and finding healthy ones that may have less “drama”.
Can you link some Joanna? I know a few people that probably need to see it, male n female.
@Joanna…
Yes, women do talk, talk, talk about it.
But, it still begs the question: Why are these women in these relationships to start with?
I think this is the big difference between men and women: Women love to discuss the issue and talk about it ad nauseum. While men seek solutions to a problem.
In this piece for example, SHE suggests talk talk talk offering no real solution. HE suggest a solution: move on.
I have found that most women are very reluctant to take other women to task over this behavior.
Joanna the articles you describe are not what I’m describing at all. Yes there are many articles for women about moving away from “toxic” or bad relationships. That’s not what I’m asking about. I want articles that explore why women so often put up a road block to their platonic male friends who they get along with so well and are often “best friends” with. Most “friendzone” type articles/stories are from men. These men seem to be able to understand that the woman fits the most important compatibility traits that would make a good romantic relationship. The women are don’t… Read more »
Seems to me like the answer is right there in front of you. If women aren’t consistently responding to these “compatibility traits” then it’s because they don’t really find them all that important in a sexual partner. There’s no mystery behind it. It just is what it is. You can write articles about it from here until the cows come home, but that isn’t going to change someone’s fundamental nature. Women aren’t putting up “roadblocks” to anything; in most cases the idea of a sexual relationship developing between her and the guy in question was never even a possibility. At… Read more »
I think it comes down to sexual attraction. Imagine you have a female friend who is a kind, loving, wonderful person who would make a fantastic life partner — but she weighs 200 pounds, or doesn’t have a pretty face, or she’s flat chested and you like big chests (or visa versa), or she’s white and you prefer Asian girls, or whatever … it could be a million things. Maybe she’s just not your “type” physically. (There is another article on the site called “Angel” which is about a guy breaking up with an otherwise great woman because she wasn’t… Read more »
Jimbo There are many explanations to this phenomena. One is that women ( like men )have a tendency to end up with a partner that is somewhat similar to something about their parents, and their background. What they grew up with. They are comfortable with what is know and familiar, even if that is trouble. So daughters of alcoholics often end up with men with the same problem. A ” good” man can be like an alien from an other planet….so to speak for women that are not used to that kind of men. And of course there are many… Read more »
I would just tell the guy to learn game. I know the player/PUA types are universally reviled on this website, but one glaring positive change I’ve noticed in my own life is that my male/female friendships are 100% authentic these days. My female friends know that they can trust me to remain “just friends,” because if I was just looking for sex I could easily find it elsewhere. In fact, many of them have gone on to introduce me to their single, available girlfriends as well. There’s a huge range of possibility between nice guy/doormat and a**hole/player; this guy, like… Read more »
“because if I was just looking for sex I could easily find it elsewhere”
because not all men are just looking for sex.
So what does that have to do with anything I wrote? The point, which should be fairly clear within the context in which the original line was written, is that I don’t let my desire for sex interfere with my male/female friendships. Apparently, from the number of times this still comes up in conversation and on websites like these, this is still a HUGE issue for a number of men. I was just trying to illustrate one way, among many, a guy could work to overcome that. It’s fine if you don’t agree with me, but at least do so… Read more »
If you are a PUA, why would you be friends with women who you don’t want to have sex with?
First of all, I never said I was a PUA. I hate the label and much of what it stands for, but I have learned quite a bit from following the guys who are or claim to be PUAs. But to answer your question: My life doesn’t revolve around sex. Sex is a powerful motivating force, and it seems critically important when you’re not getting it. But like food, shelter, and money, beyond a certain point any extra time invested in it is superfluous. I enjoy the company of (some) women for purposes beyond simple sexual gratification. That’s the thing… Read more »
@DD…
“First of all, I never said I was a PUA. I hate the label and much of what it stands for, but I have learned quite a bit from following the guys who are or claim to be PUAs.”
If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and walks like a duck..It’s a duck!
You’re free to think what you want, but to me a PUA is a guy who focuses the bulk of his sexual energy on picking up new girls. I spend the bulk of my sexual energy on establishing and maintaining relationships. Either way, the label is irrelevant. I don’t have a fraction of the relationship problems that a lot of guys commenting here seem to have. To me, most of the major themes and issues discussed here seem downright trivial, as the answers are all pretty obvious to someone who’s been there before. I’m just trying to provide what I… Read more »
“she revealed she has a boyfriend—something she had previously denied. Now she has stopped talking to me altogether. I’m terribly confused and upset. Can I still save our friendship? Or was she just using me for emotional support?” this woman lied to you. she’s a liar. a manipulative woman who friendzoned you but didn’t even have the decency to do it like an adult. she did it in secret & lied to you. she used you. there was no friendship. she was stringing you along with the promise of a future (and so does josie) but you have no future… Read more »
What is it about this concept “nice men” ” nice guys” ?
Is this a curse word/ ugly word in America? Hate speach?
http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/13-reasons-why-nice-guys-are-the-worst
Some women who use the “nice guy tm” insult usually have a major lack of understanding of the guys side. They will generalize those guys as being entitled because some of them are but generally they fail to understand many are simply looking for love, are being told that being extra nice to someone is how to BE ATTRACTIVE to the opposite gender and that nice is basically the word used for supersexyman in a lot of media. They also gloss over the FACT there are women who DO know the guy likes her, and she uses his attention purposely… Read more »
Thank you Archy. You see this confuses me. I do not see so much contempt for men where I live. But a lot women also know they have a problem if they “love to much” and do not expected to be treated with digity and respect. To know your own self worth is important otherwise you can be exploited emotionally,economically and otherwise. I wonder if this ” nice guy” concept is an expression of what an American man is not supposed to be like. In some other parts of the world he wold be appreciated( unless he lacks self respect… Read more »
Usually the “nice guy” in quotes or with the TM label means they are a guy who SAYS they are nice. Some of those guys are nice, some are jerks. A lot from my understanding are shy and may not communicate how they feel, some of the women have no idea the guy likes them and some of the women KNOW he likes them and either gives the “you’re a great friend” type speech to let him down softly (but they usually fail at it and leave hope) or they use the guy for the extra attention he gives them,… Read more »
Hi Archy
I totally agree with you. Some like big men other like skinny ones. Some like shy vulnerable men,other like the outgoing wild ones…
The best is to be authentic. But that is not so easy as it sounds.
You Archy come across an authentic person.
Sometimes you get angry,sometimes you are sweet. And often you are intellectual .
Interesting .
I hope this concept ” nice men” can be discussed further just like you say.
We need both aggression and tenderness.
“I’d say it’s time to move on. You’ve made your feelings clear. If she wants to change the dynamic of your relationship, it’s up to her. Let her make the next move, and don’t wait around to find out the answer.”
Good answer. I agree.
I think she’s lying about the boyfriend because it is easier (in her mind) than saying “I’m not attracted to you.”. If she and the letter writer are that close, and she never once mentioned that she had a boyfriend, that just makes no sense. That’s why I think it’s a lie. Was she “using” him for emotional support? Don’t we use all our friends for emotional support? I don’t necessarily think that’s malicious of her. It could be, but maybe she just inadvertently let the friendship go too far because the letter writer was going out of his way… Read more »
“Was she “using” him for emotional support? Don’t we use all our friends for emotional support?”
Good lord tell me you are rare, because that’s pretty narcissistic. I don’t use my friends, I share my support with friends. Big DIFFERENCE. If they are sad, I am there for them as they are for me. Put a sign around your neck if you use people please, so people like me can avoid you like the plague.
I should have put “use” in quotes. I mean we are all in relationships because we want something. The letter writer wants something from her as well. If you are saying you can be in a relationship while getting nothing out of it for yourself, you are a unique individual.
I think the problem with the word “use” is the implied lack of reciprocation. In a genuine friendship both parties offer support to each other. “Using” someone for something, such as emotional support, has the implication of accepting support without offering anything in return. My friends and I don’t use each other, we are there for each other. I listen to them and they listen to me. We offer each other advice when asked (and occasionally when not asked) and we help each other move heavy objects from one room to another or one house to another. I don’t know… Read more »
I think I was responding to the idea that it was wrong of her to seek emotional support from a man she wasn’t interested in sexually/romantically. That would mean that women should never have platonic relationships with men. Maybe she was giving him reciprocal emotional support- he doesn’t say she wasn’t. Maybe it was very one sided but we don’t know that really.
“Could you really love me as just a human being, and be my friend, and be trustworthy and honest if you don’t think you’ll get to sleep with me?”
Why men feelings and love always described as an effort to want to sleep with someone?
Just because we have grown a feelings towards a friend, doesnt mean we dont think shes a human being and doesnt mean we want to sleep with her.
We are human too.
“Why men feelings and love always described as an effort to want to sleep with someone? ” Because many women believe stereotypes way too much. Why do you think so much criticism of the friendzone is framed as male entitlement to sex? Because largely those women criticizing it have no idea that most men actually do want a relationship that includes sex and not JUST sex. Women can be their own worst enemy here, just as guys telling each other “girls want bad boys”…they end up reinforcing their negativity and it makes me a fuckload harder for male and female… Read more »
As I say in the post, it’s not something THIS guy did, but a message we’re sent form our infancy about where our value lies.
You guys don’t like the stereotypes about men that are out there, and how those stereotypes affect society. It’s the same for us.
You went into some detail to explain a pretty significant bit of un-friend behavior. I agree that all the messages you mentioned exist and exert pressure on people. She failed pretty miserably as a friend if she chose to listen to those messages rather than trust her friend, though, don’t you think?
Certainly. I have a funny way of looking at responsibility. I think that the individual makes bad choices and is solely responsible for making the choice. But society, as a whole can sometimes set an individual up to feel that choice is reasonable – or that it is their only option. I don’t know what happened with this woman. I do feel that she was using him to some degree, and probably didn’t know it. Or maybe she’s in love with him, too, and can’t admit it? That’s the problem with this format. We cannot know. Either way, yes, she… Read more »
“I think that the individual makes bad choices and is solely responsible for making the choice.
But society, as a whole can sometimes set an individual up to feel that choice is reasonable – or that it is their only option.”
I dunno if that’s a funny way of looking at responsibility. It’s definitely a well thought out way of looking at responsibility. 🙂
This is completely true. I agree with everything you said.