Marie Roker-Jones’s son’s teen years have been confusing and a bit lonely for her, so she reached out to him to try and understand what he’s going through.
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Moms of boys under the age of 10 are cute. The way they go on and on about their little guy is so touching, you almost don’t want to burst their bubble. Almost. Parents of teen boys know better. They know that it transforms that sweet little boy into a different species. Puberty is a dad’s cue to start having talks with his son about his physical changes and sex. For a mom, her son’s puberty is a reminder that this is the end of her son’s innocence. You might even find her in a corner, rocking herself while asking: “What happened to my little boy?”
It will hit her like sucker punch. Not the kind of sucker punch you get from a toddler while trying to take the remote control from him. Puberty will hit her like a Mike Tyson sucker punch; the kind that knocks you out for days. She may have noticed the signs such as his increasing appetite, voice and other physical changes. She just didn’t anticipate the emotional transformation. It’s like overnight, her son goes from hugging her goodnight to being repulsed by her touch.
Puberty is similar to Gregor Samsa’s transformation in Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis. That sweet little boy who hung onto your leg and said he would marry you when he gets older transforms into another being. This new being is taller, stronger and has more testosterone. At first, it’s startlingly and a little disturbing. He loses the little boy scent. You lean in to give him a kiss and wonder if he just jogged for miles. He will be unpredictable, he will test limits, he will utter few words, and he will spend many hours in his room.The more you try to reach out to him, the more he rejects you. When you think you’ve made a breakthrough, the being emerges and knocks you down like the meme in Wii Boxing.
When my oldest son went through puberty, I was unprepared for the changes. My husband, however, was excited about this development. He was ready to embark on a new relationship with my son. One in which they shared jokes that I didn’t get. A relationship that gave him more of an opportunity to impart his wisdom and regale my son in stories from his youth. I became the odd person out. The message was loud and clear: I could not relate and was not invited to their boys’ club.
Just as a mom resigns to the fact that her little boy is gone, the unexpected happens. One day, he comes home from school, hugs her from behind and tells her about his day. As he makes his way to his room, she’ll sigh in relief that all is well again. She’ll even cook his favorite dinner. Hopefully, she doesn’t get too too comfortable, because there will be a couple more years of this new adventure.
Keep in mind that puberty is as confusing for your son as it is for you. He can’t necessarily explain his physical or psychological changes. He is having a difficult time figuring out who he is and what is going on with his body and mind.
Because I wanted to understand my son further, I went to him for advice on how I could better help him through this. Below is a letter from him, to all parents of teenage boys.
Dear parents,
Understanding puberty from your son’s eyes can be difficult, but bear with me here. Puberty can be a strange and awkward process, and the emotional aspect of it can be hard to cope with, especially because we, as boys, can find it hard to express ourselves, given that there is a certain “image” of masculinity that most of us try to live up to.
Yes, we can be difficult, evasive and aloof, but with these tips I am about to give you, I hope you will have a clearer understanding of how to get through this time without treating us like we’re aliens. One of the biggest problems is that you try to be mind readers or teen whisperers and you get it all wrong.
Give us space: Yes, sometimes parents can be hard to stand, as you can say the same with us. If it seems like we’re not in the mood, please respect that and leave us alone. No offense but we don’t need you checking in on us because you feel like being friendly.
Don’t make assumptions: We know you worry about us, but you sometimes take things too far. Please stop being dramatic because of all the stories you hear about teen boys. Just because our door is closed, doesn’t mean we are doing anything bad. Yes, we screw up and make mistakes but most of the time we just want to get away from everything and be alone to have time to think and reflect on whatever is on our mind.
Do your best to understand: Yes, understanding us can be challenging mainly because we are probably getting on your nerves. Our minds function differently during this stage, and our thinking can be considered, “impaired”. We start seeing the world in a different way, and either want to rebel against or be part of it. Whatever the conflict is, please, do your best to understand and hear us out. We want to be understood and loved.
Boys have feelings too: We usually have brief “mood swings”. We cry (in private), we feel irritated, we get mad, and we want to be left alone. There are times our feelings are overwhelming and we don’t know what to do or how to act. If we need time, as stated above, give us some time alone to ourselves. We will be ready to speak with you once we feel that we can.
Communication is key: Sometimes, we won’t feel like talking. Please understand that this is completely fine. One minute, we won’t feel like talking, the next, we’re your best friend. Get used to it. Confronting us to talk is risky, and could cause more aggravation. It is just better to wait until we are ready to be civil.
Listen: We want to be heard, not just seen. Plus we’re only half listening to what you say. Keep it brief and give us time to speak. It would also help if you did not interrupt us when we’re talking.
Be there for us: No matter if we pull the, “You suck!” on you guys, we still love you. You are the ones that care for us. So, whenever we are ready to talk, just be there for us and do your best to understand from our viewpoint, instead of just your way of thinking.
Whew! I hope you guys now have a bit more of a sense as to how to deal with us as we go through this stage. Yes, its long, dramatic, and tiresome, but in the end, it can be rewarding if you’re patient and love us despite our unpredictable behavior.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeby Nygel Jones
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More in Raising Boys, Edited by Marie Roker-Jones:
Why You Need to Let Your Son Think For Himself
Teaching Your Kids to Push Past Limitations
Sorry, Mom. Old Spice Wants Me to Grow Up
Photo: Flickr/husin.sani
I’m a 13 year old male and i have a great and similar relationship with both of my parents equally. I am more hyperactive (though not that hyperactive) when im around family and close friends, every else i am very antisocial.
This remark is not about the article, which is excellent: It is about the images included at the start. I found this article after reading a different one by the same author–also excellent. The young boy pictured at the head of the article was racially indeterminate. It was a black and white of a young man who may be black, Hispanic, North European-white, Mediterranean, or Arabic. Probably the only thing he was unlikely to be is Asian, but maybe not. About a third of the way in, the author mentioned discussions with her son about what it meant to be… Read more »
20,000 dollars he stole from the bank. The authorities in Canada were already aware, so when he got there, he was beaten pretty badly put in a cell. Let him go the next day, bottom line we was sent to Federal Prison for 4 years. Got released tried to find work which wasn’t easy with a felony now, stared using again, alost died 3 times of respiratory arrest from the Heroin, one of those times, it was me who found him sprawled out on the kitchen floor, blue, not breathing. Ok, I think we have all had enough and I… Read more »
That was a very brave share. It is absolutely true that the bullying played a role at least in his early decision to join a gang. Once one starts that road it is so hard to get off of it. It changes your mentality. Should you have turned him in to the Army, well, yes. But hindsight is 20/20 and in the middle of a crisis we often don’t know what is true and what is not. Most likely boot camp was painfully similar to being bullied. I think it is supposed to be better now, but given your son’s… Read more »
response; “boys will be boys, need to make a man out of him etcetc”. So my husband and I stood by helplessly and watch our once beautiful boy, an extremely bright boy who was always so loving, kind turn into an angry, agitated, mean spirited, hateful, aggressive, lying kid. Because he didn’t fit in anywhere, he joined a gang, a real gang! He refused to go to school again, who can blame him? He began (and most of this was done behind my back) physically torturing his sister, 4 years younger and warned her not to tell us. Meanwhile I’m… Read more »
Altho these comments about boys and puberty are interesting, my story with my son went from pretty much normal puberty into a nightmare. I hesitate to even share it with you, I’d hate to scare you not to mention that altho he is 33 years old now, it is still very painful for me to disclose even after all these years. But then maybe it would be helpful for me to share it? Not knowing if there is a limit on words here, I’ll try to be brief. His name is Michael, he was an absolute joy as a baby… Read more »
Thank you, Marie, for this article, and especially for your son’s contribution. My son just turned 13 this week, and already I see a few of these behaviors. Already he tells me that he has nothing on his mind, or that he is hungry or has to go to the bathroom (in response to my “penny for your thoughts?” queries). My husband and I currently have a wonderful open relationship with our son. There are very few things that we do not talk to him about. I want to think that our relationship will stay that way, even during the… Read more »
I have an almost 15 year old son- and I totally get where this kid is coming from. All people need space, respect, love and understanding. There were parts of this kids letter that were great & spot on- but parts that made me uncomfortable. For example, “One minute, we won’t feel like talking, the next, we’re your best friend. Get used to it. Confronting us to talk is risky, and could cause more aggravation. It is just better to wait until we are ready to be civil.” This sounds to me like a young man on the verge of… Read more »
I don’t think this young man had that intent behind his expression. Often teens (as well as adults) can’t find the exact wording to express what they mean and it comes out harsher that intended. He does not have the tone of a bully or abuser, trust me I know, I lived with one at one time. One thing my abuser did not respect was my space to calm down. I would (and still do) need to clean by myself when I am worked up about something. In my head, I go through all the things that would fly out… Read more »
April, thank you for your comment. I appreciate that you understood that my son was expressing his thoughts and that these were not actual words he’s used in speaking to us. We’re teaching our sons to express anger in healthy ways. If that means that you take time by yourself to think clearly, than do it. I’m sorry to hear that you had to endure an abusive relationship.
Leigh, it’s interesting that someone would read a post by a 15 year old young man in the middle of the night and quickly make an assumption about someone whom she’s never met. It’s so easy to sit behind a screen and write a comment about people you don’t know. You’ve managed to take the words of a teen and twist them to mean something more detrimental. I would go all helicopter parent on you if it wasn’t for the fact that your assessment of my son is so off, that it’s laughable. My son is on the verge of… Read more »
In defense of Leigh, I don’t think she was pretending to know your son. I have a 16 year old that while yes, I can completely relate to your post, a part of me gets defensive about the whole “my way or the highway” approach. I don’t mean this in any way, shape or form AGAINST your kid. I completely get what you are saying. But I do struggle with that fine line between “I need my space” and “Hey, I’ll give it to you but realize that I have my own rules you need to follow as well.” I… Read more »
I get what you’re saying Amy and our son knows that there are times when he has to work through his struggles as a family. It’s easy for teens to try to push you away but they have to understand that there are healthy ways of dealing with their emotions. It’s not really about “my way or the highway” but more of them trying to assert their independence.
Marie– Your articles are wonderful, and your son is clearly a thoughtful and self-aware young man trying to share the *perspective* of a boy going through puberty and adolescence. I think Leigh, and maybe Amy to a lesser degree, are confusing your son’s observations of how he *felt* as guidelines on how parents parent. And I don’t see that at all. I am old now, but I clearly remember feeling everything he said (also I am female). This perspective can help parents understand what is going on with kids, so they may make parenting decisions with a better understanding of… Read more »
Listen to us, even though we only half-listen to you seems like a bit of a raw deal to me as a parent. Till I remember that’s probably their perspective as a toddler – they have to 100% listen to us, but we maybe only half listened to the babbly never ending questions 🙂 Puberty is payback time.
Hi JoAnn,
You’re right about the toddler babbling. Maybe puberty is payback time. I think he’s being honest about half-listening. If we think back to our own teen years, how many times did we really listen to what our parents were saying.
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I don’t believe I had the habit of throwing tantrums in my teens. I think I spent too much time trying to prove myself to my parents by doing good in school and around the house, trying to make up for the fact that I wasn’t the “clone” of my father that my big brother was.
Raising boys is a whole different ball game . I know because I’ve raised three sons and four step daughters. One group is not easier than the other. They both have moments that totally suck but in the end seeing how great your kids turn out is totally worth it. One of the best moments of all is when they come to you, at whatever age, and apologise for being little shits – hindsight is a wonderful thing. If we can love them through it all; the good, the bad and the ugly, then we will have done a good… Read more »
Nice post. Despite claims to the contrary one thing that gets cut short often are the voices of young boys that are going through these chances. More effort is spent on making them out to be sexual demons than actually helping them become sexual beings.
Having more boys (and men) speak up is a good thing.
You know, I didn’t have a bad experience with my boys, now 30 and 28. None. Now my daughter . .whooowie. But my sons and I were always great friends. We played video games together and argued politics over dinner. They never stayed out late . . in fact, they gave ME a curfew after one time I didn’t in until 2am and didn’t call. I knew all their friends . . .they were usually at my house. Watching Monty Python or playing games. I didn’t have a reliable male role model for them, so I talked to them about… Read more »
“Now my daughter . .whooowie.”
Hi Gwenny. What issues did you face with her that you did not face with your sons?
Hi Gweeny
I am curious too. I have 9.5 year old that seems to be changing already; we have a wonderful relationship and I would like to keep it. I don’t want to believe that all mothers and daughters go through hell with one another during the teen years. I mean I did with my mom but I would love to keep my relationship with my daughter in tact.
Thanks in advance for any advice you could share:)
Its also a cultural thing. I’m from South Asia and we simply don’t have this major “shift in behavior” after puberty starts. We remain as close to our parents as ever, often closer. In fact, several American friends of mine have commented on the differences between “western teens” and the teens in my family that they’ve met both here and in my homeland. Some were also shocked at the demonstrative displays of physical affection between South Asian teen boys and their moms.
Same thing in Italy, usually we stay around in the family, and Italian guys get often demonized by this. Me to, although I live in another country, I cal home everyday, or type with them on fb. Just to be sure they are ok. Living in Denmark (Scandinavia) I dont see all this family unity (I dont say there arent, just saying that with my present cultural background….I cant see it or I struggle to see it) Often parents have their own life and the children theirs (I dont say they dont show interest for each other). They move out… Read more »
I’m of southern+Scandinavian origin and live in Scandinavia. I totally concur with your view on the lack of family unity in Scandinavia and I’m tormented by it. I really don’t understand how people can be this detached from their families.. maybe it explains the high depression and suicide rate. Last week end, a teen boy told me of a 13 year old girl who was coerced by a stranger who had her phone number to meet up at a dark place around midnight, alone. She was out with her friends in a “youth club”. The adults supervising this club didn’t… Read more »
Marie, I LOVE this. So glad to hear Nygel’s take, too.