Abuse survivor David Pittman explains how the loneliest feeling in the world is waiting to be found.
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As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), I have been searching for sometime to figure out a way to summarize the challenges survivors face. But due to the levels of pain and varieties of struggles each individual confronts, it seemed like this wasn’t possible. That is until I was watching, of all things a tv show, when I had a moment of clarity. A young lady had been kidnapped and was all alone. While listening to the dialogue of the actors and imagining how a real kidnap victim must feel it hit me like a ton of bricks…
The loneliest feeling in the world…is waiting to be found.
And there it was. My own personal struggle was wrapped up in that one, simple but excruciatingly painful statement. Survivors of CSA know this feeling. We live in constant fear of people learning what we are currently going through or have been through. We live in perpetual terror that our deepest, darkest secret will be exposed. Our fear, shame and guilt is compounded daily in our hearts, it weakens our spirits and like a weight, its sits on and sinks into our thoughts – emotionally, mentally and at times even physically. It feels like an wrecking ball holding us down, preventing us from moving, from doing anything or going anywhere.
The tv show I was watching showed the kidnap victim left to die, held down by spikes in the desert, hands and feet bound to those spikes. She was all alone, in the middle of nowhere, with no help in sight. And during this time, she had no idea if she would ever be found, or if she would die alone, with this horrific secret.
And in that story is the analogous representation of the degree of despair felt by survivors of CSA. We have that same sense of abandonment, of being all alone, all the while, we need and we want more than ANYTHING, for someone, ANYONE, to FIND OUT and to FIND US!
In its simplest terms, what we need is much like the moment a child has a parent rip off a bandage from a banged up knee or elbow. When a band-aid is pulled off it hurts like hell, but then when done, there is this immense sense of relief. And the growing sense of relief is so much more powerful than the instant moment of pain. That’s not to say we don’t get that band-aid ripped off over and over again when we relive the experience by telling our story, or testifying in court or being deposed, but by engaging on a healing path, we can find a way to move froward productively. Just as a survivor feels extreme emotional trauma in the moments/hours/days surrounding the time people learn the truth about their abuse, once the initial pain subsides, the healing can begin.
I know I have said this before, and I’ll continue to say it until there’s no breath left in my lungs. If you are or have been a victim of CSA, reach out now. You are not alone. You may have been left in the desert, but you now have people looking for you and available to help you. If not with Together We Heal, find someone, some group, somewhere. They are all around and willing to help you. And may we all find the peace we deserve.
Originally appeared at Together We Heal
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Photo: Flickr/Matt Anderson
I’m a survivor of ongoing CSA. I kept the abuse going through my adult years, hiding my pain, putting myself in abusers hands….. I’m 44 years old now. I’ve been in therapy for 3 and a half years. At what point do we start to feel “ok”, “normal”, “not different from everyone else”? I feel like it will just always be there.
Hey Patricia, My apologies for not getting this message. Not sure why TGMP didn’t forward it but nevertheless, I see it now. Like you, I’m a survivor in my 40’s with ongoing challenges from CSA. I wish I could give you a “magic number” for when things get better or we start to feel “normal”. What I can say is that a life of hope and healing is attainable. For me it was with therapy, support groups, and a wife who is compassionate and understanding. If there’s anything I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to ask. Here’s my… Read more »
Hey jon, I hope the post helped. I’m not sure from the “sound” of your post. Let us know if we can help in any way.
Hey jon, I hope the post helped. I’m not sure from the “sound” of your post. Let us know if we can help in any way.
Now, with a three year old of my own-this truth regarding the loneliest feeling in the world is one of the most important messages. Silence is the greatest ally of cruelty. Thanks for the reminder.
Leia and Airen, you are so right about shedding the light on the abusers and holding on to that pain and fear. It doesn’t matter if it’s sexual, emotional or physical, all of those predators/abusers have tried to take our identity away but by working together, we can help each other and reclaim ourselves and our lives. I am honored if this has helped y’all in any way and please know we are here for you both, always. Our strength together will overcome all the abusers pitiful existence, together we are no longer alone, and we will become strong. Bless… Read more »
Beautifully written…! There are so many layers of denial for CSA survivors….sometimes it is hard to recognize what happened to us as abuse….it is so easy to call it by some other name….so many years pass and it gets easier to delude oneself and disguise what really happened in one’s own mind…the survivor grows up and moves on in life and accomplishes certain milestones and gets stronger…and then something triggers the past and that flood of fear and apprehension washes over like a tsunami….and one feels like a frightened child again…. I had sort of forgotten what it felt like… Read more »
Thank you Sarah and MWood for your kind words. I’m just trying to do all I can to help my fellow survivors begin a healing path and to prevent future victims from falling prey to the ridiculous amount of sexual predators out there. It seems as if we have only broken the surface of the number of victims still in need of our help. But together we can let them know help is available and they will be believed. Peace be with you both always. 🙂
God I never realized that it IS the loneliness that burns inside…and I am not an adult survivor of sexual abuse but of emotional and at times physical abuse. You want people to notice the pain and fear you live with everyday and you hide it tighter so that you never let it show. Like a half starved puppy creeping toward an offered treat. It is the loneliness of waiting that kills.
Nail on the head …. Got it I’m one or any saying available this is exactly the fear…. the loneliness ….the dark…. then the attack in the dark then in the light there is no part of your day safe …so tomorrow isnt safe we sit n wait till safe all our lives and still we take a step out n ask a question its truly made unsafe with liar!!!!! When how who no way ???!!! Why because its an unthinkable crime an unbelievable thought ??? You have found your fear and spoke be proud I am 🙂
I just want to commend you on sharing an article that I’m sure was very painful to write. It takes a strong soul to survive those horrifying types of experiences, and a brave soul to be able to talk about it afterward and share your story in hopes of continuing to heal and help others heal. Wishing you all the best as you continue your journey in recovery.