It seems like everywhere you look, you can find articles about cheating—“Is He Cheating?” “Why Did She Cheat?” “Is He Likely to Cheat?” “Is Cheating Always the End?”
I recently saw one that purported to know exactly where “the line in the sand” comes with cheating. Is it flirting? Is it texting? Is it kissing? Is it looking around?
One assertion the article made that interested me was that if you are deleting texts between you and a member of your gender preferred sex, even if the content is entirely innocent, THAT has crossed the line. Only a glancing referral was made to the fact that the deletion may not be happening because of your own impure intentions but rather because of your partner’s irrational jealousy. One constant in these “cheating” pieces seems to be that all friendships between members of the opposite (or gender preferred) sex are suspect once you are in a committed relationship.
Um, say what?
I think most of these articles about infidelity miss a really central point about the fundamental baseline of relationships: if trust and respect aren’t there, the relationship is empirically not healthy.
No, sorry—I’m right about this. So the question of whether or not flirting or texting or whatever is actually “cheating” is moot. Because the answer lies not in reality but in your perception—“how will I know?” is a question that resolves itself in the asking.
If you believe your partner texting is cheating, it is.
If you believe your partner flirting is cheating, it is.
If you suspect your partner is cheating in lieu of hard evidence, it really doesn’t matter whether they are or not. Because you just plain old don’t trust them.
And that lack of trust is what is actually wrong with your relationship.
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There is a funny scene in the movie When Harry Met Sally when Harry’s best friend Jess, trying to console Harry about his recent break-up (while simultaneously doing the wave) says, “Marriages don’t break up on account of infidelity. It’s just a symptom that something else is wrong.” To which Harry replies, “Oh really? Well, that “symptom” is f*cking my wife.”
It’s a great line, but Jess is right. “Cheating” (or fear of cheating) is actually a symptom that you and your partner are seriously out-of- sync. If you can catch this major red flag while it is still in the “fear of cheating” stage, you may be able to set things right again. But first you have to admit that you have a problem. BOTH of you.
While a little jealousy can be normal even in a good relationship, it is important to recognize that it mainly stems from your own insecurity rather than your partner’s unreliability. If you are confident in yourself, you don’t view other attractive or interesting people as a “threat”. So the first question to ask when you feel jealous is—is this about how my partner feels about me or how I feel about myself?
The relationship that needs work in this situation is that with the self. It is not your partner’s job to endlessly reassure you that you are worthy. No, sorry—I’m right about this. And again, if you believe that your jealousy is a reaction to your partner’s behavior, then the question you have to ask is, “Why am I in a relationship with someone who I believe is capable of betrayal?”
That would return us to the topic of low self-esteem, too.
In order for a relationship to truly thrive, both people have to have healthy self-esteem and other friendships and interests that don’t involve their partner. No, sorry—I’m right about this. Your identity as a whole individual must be intact and independent.
Another genre of “cheating” articles that boggle my mind are the “revenge” pieces; you know, the woman who spray paints “cheater” on her ex’s Mercedes or the man who posts boudoir pictures of his errant lover on social media. See, this is not how healthy, rational people behave. If vandalism and/ or the public humiliation of the person you claim to have loved is your answer to ANYTHING, then you were at least 50% of what went wrong in that relationship. You have to be a grown up to attract a grown up.
No, sorry—I’m right about this.
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Not all relationships are built to last; the cliché of “season, reason or lifetime” is oft repeated because it is true. We need to shake our cultural degradation of partnerships that don’t end up the “lifetime” category; “season” and “reason” are really valid growth experiences if you don’t waste your time lamenting what went wrong but instead celebrate all you enjoyed and all you learned.
“Happily Ever After” is the anomaly, not the norm—when will we forgive ourselves for not meeting the standard of “eternity”?
Blaming infidelity for the destruction of a relationship actually falls into the category of “closing the barn door after the horse has bolted.” If you or your partner were so disengaged from the connection you had that one (or both) of you turned to another to have your emotional or sexual needs met, then the affair was really just fait accompli. An external clarification of the internal conflict that was already present, in many cases for years. The attrition of trust and respect is the real cause of your break-up.
The bottom line here is this: if you find yourself clicking on links with titles like “Cheating: How Will I Know?” then you already do. You know that something is not right in your relationship. The good news is, your partner may not actually be cheating at all. The bad news is, either you don’t believe you are worthy of someone’s undivided romantic attention or you have chosen a partner who makes you feel this way. Which is essentially the same thing.
Love thyself is the first rule of an engagement that ends with “happily ever after.” When you are true to yourself, you stop making unhealthy choices and your happiness is no longer at the whim of anyone else’s approval.
No, sorry—I’m right about this.
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What’s your take on what you just read?
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99.99% of cheating is the fault of the male. Either he can’t keep it in his pants.. or he can’t keep the woman he’s with happy. Men need to be honourable and step up to real relationships if they ever hope to have one… because women have plenty of choices and another, better one, is barely a text away. No sorry – I’m right about this.
Trust is the hardest thing to earn and the easiest thing to lost. In a relationship, specially on marriage, engaging your self to such relationship means putting your trust to your partner. But there are ciscumstances that one of you may tempted to cheat. Cheating would lead to lost of trust and could lead to divorce.Divorce could be the hardest part of a relationship specially if there are kids. Even you’ll give child support, I believe it’s never enough. But making sure you’ll give financial support to your kids is a must. We’ve posted an infographic about child support payments… Read more »