Hilary Silver thinks that when the one you’re with is sending mixed messages, it’s time to get really honest with yourself.
I have dated this guy for some time, but he works out state so we don’t always see each other that much. While he was away, I was doing my own thing, too, but we kept in touch through email and text. We really started to like one another.
After not seeing each other for a while, we really connected. It was amazing. He tells me he could see us having something real one day. He even said marriage. He says, though, that he has a lot going on, doesn’t want something long distance and I should move on. I didn’t know what to say so I said nothing and we left things undefined. We’ve been keeping in touch and he was texting me a lot but now I can feel him backing off again.
Not sure what to do with the mixed messages. What do I do? How do I act? He says marriage. Then he says space. Then he keeps texting. I really like him. How do I get him to stick with it and with me?
I feel your pain, I really do. So it is with great compassion that I have to tell you what I think you must already know and feel in your gut.
This man is not the one for you.
There is obviously something between you. On your end, you are experiencing more than sparks and chemistry, but for him, something is missing. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you, it just means you may not be the right person for him—and he is unable to commit because of it.
You are beautiful and amazing just as you are. Please do not ever alter your behavior or act differently to keep someone interested in you. Such a choice would reflect a sad but often mistaken belief that who you really are is not enough. You must remain your true authentic self if you wish someone to love you for who you are.
So often, people hang on to the idea of what a relationship can be and disregard their concerns over what it actually is in reality. Falling in love with potential is unfair to both partners, and is a great way to experience disappointment and frustration.
It is just as important to consider how you feel when you are not together as it is the way you feel when you are together. You already know this—your intuition is telling you as much; I can hear it in your words.
What sounds like the hardest part of this for you is the disempowered position you’ve taken in this affair. You are taking all your cues about what the relationship will be from him. You clearly are not feeling significant or loved yet you are clinging to the hope that he will come back to you.
Empower yourself. Decide for yourself that his ambivalence is not enough for you.
You deserve to be with someone who adores you and will stop at nothing to have you in his life. That may sound overly dramatic but I hope it makes my point.
This man may not reach out to you again, but if he does, I think it would feel great for you to declare the relationship over. Cut the thin ties keeping you together so you can both move on.
Once you have a man totally into you and demonstrating his interest, you will wonder why you ever settled for less.
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Photo: Lies Thru a Lens/Flickr