It’s been two months since she’s heard from him. Jenny Glick helps her manage the radio silence.
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I have a situation going on with my partner and I’m not sure how to address this. He’s a military contractor in Afghanistan and has been there for over a year without being granted leave. In the last three months, he has become more and more withdrawn to the point where he has basically shut everyone out and doesn’t communicate with anyone anymore including his family.
I let him be initially because I didn’t want to be hassling someone in a war zone about relationship stuff but it’s been nearly 2 months now and I haven’t heard from him. I started sending him messages last week because I was getting a bit worried if everything was allright and he hasn’t responded to any of the messages.
Really don’t know what to do here? Is he really having emotional issues and just needs some time or have I being dumped and can’t see it? Or he’s really in a remote area where he has communication issues? I feel completely abandoned emotionally. We have been together for 5 years. Thanks.
It sounds like there is quite a lot happening in this 5 year relationship…and you only give a brief synopsis which leaves many gaps. But…here is a place to start:
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It sounds like you have limited contact with your partner given that he is contracting overseas in a war riddled country and you presumably are not able to just call his “office” and ask if he is in. Given that, you are left with a lot of empty space. Empty space can be fertile ground for our mental “crazy trains” to take off. Fear, worry, and anxiety can flourish when we have limited information. We often start thinking about the worse scenario and our emotional system reacts in kind.
Since there is so much that you do not know, it seems wise to focus on what you do know and what you do have control over…namely yourself.
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You say that you feel “completely abandoned emotionally” since you have not heard from him. Yes, it certainly makes sense that you would feel sadness, hurt, and fear…but “completely abandoned” would indicate to me that you have invested most of your eggs in this one basket, so to speak.
There is a balance in relationships of being connected AND maintaining a healthy sense of autonomy and independence in your relationship. When there is too much emotional fusion then you run the risk of feeling completely upended when your beloved leaves…or doesn’t respond to an email because he is in a war torn region and cannot get to his computer.
I have no idea if your beloved is safe or if he is struggling with the (normal) emotions of fear, anxiety, worry, and displacement of living in a foreign land and maybe has chosen to pull back from you rather than talk about it.
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What I do know is that you feel upended which means it would be worth your time to invest in a practice to reconnect with yourself. Reconnecting with yourself comes through meditation, journaling, yoga, outdoor pursuits, happy hobbies, art, continued education, prayer, whatever brings you into alignment with your sense of self. Such practices will not only serve you now but serve this relationship when your partner resurfaces.
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Photo: US Army/Flickr
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