Love does mean having to say you’re sorry. Here are 4 ways to untie your tongue and begin reconnecting.
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Why is it just so difficult for some of us to apologize? Two small words, “I’m sorry,” can feel stuck like glue on the tips of our tongues. We may know the words need to be said, but we just can’t spit them out.
I remember the first time I had to apologize as if it were yesterday. We were at the pool as we often were during the summer. My parents were not around and I was about 5 years old. I tossed a dime-sized stone up into the air and jumped into the pool. It wasn’t until a mother and teen daughter approached me that I learned the stone had actually hit someone.
The two strangers looking down at me, informed me of what I had done and asked me to apologize. I felt small, bad and embarrassed; as if something was wrong with me, not that I had done something wrong. Without the reassurance or protection of a parent I also felt alone.
This experience in isolation was probably not enough to cause this reaction in me; it could also be that I never heard either of my parents apologize to each other or to us kids. I never learned to apologize with ease and grace.
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To our partners, when an apology is clearly owed but not delivered, the message is:
I’m right, you are wrong (I’m always right if I never apologize)
It’s your problem
I don’t care about your feelings
Your point of view doesn’t matter
For the non-apologizer, however, that is far from what is really happening internally. We don’t feel self-righteous, rather a deep sense of shame about the infraction. Owning up to it, especially with a significant other, feels too vulnerable and scary.
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My husband once explained to me that when I’ve hurt or offended him and I don’t apologize, his negative thinking about me may continue for as much as a few days.
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Somewhere in our development we experienced shame and humiliation when making a mistake. Failing to take responsibility only intensifies that shame and keeps us stuck in an early developmental stage.
When we suppress, ignore or brush off the trespass, we act as though it didn’t happen. Unfortunately for our partners, it becomes stuck and unresolved and even a source of great pain.
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My husband once explained to me that when I’ve hurt or offended him and I don’t apologize, his negative thinking about me may continue for as much as a few days. A simple apology halts all the negative thinking— it actually ends the issue right then and there. My apology validates his experience by acknowledging his point of view and soothing his wounded feelings.
What we often don’t remember in the moment, is that being accountable for our behaviors actually ends the cycle of shame and allows for healing, growth and maturity to develop.
As a relationship expert, I know how important it is for partners to apologize to each other and clients who are skilled in this area often humble me.
As a recovering non-apologizer myself, I’ve come to personally experience the payoff of owning up to my shit and saying “I’m sorry.” It is truly powerful!
A truly effective apology will not only take responsibility but will also show remorse, provide an explanation (not an excuse) and restore balance and connection.
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Here are examples of simple language that has a big impact on everyday interaction:
1. I’m sorry I overreacted/got defensive/yelled/was nasty
2. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings/be disrespectful/scare you
3. I was feeling attacked/misunderstood/triggered
4. How can I make it up to you?/What can I do to help you feel better?
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Keep these few points in mind as you practice:
- Apologizing for something you’ve done allows you the freedom to be, and acceptance of being imperfect. WHEW! What a relief.
- Apologizing doesn’t make you unlovable- its just the opposite
- Apologizing feels so much better than you think it will
- Your partner is going to appreciate the apology so much more than you think he/she will
- Apologizing expedites the recovery time of an argument
- Apologizing creates greater intimacy, trust and depth in a relationship
- Apologizing also means- I’m going to try to NOT do that again
It may be painfully difficult to choke the words out at first. I recommend improving your apology skills in stages. You may need to think about what you’d like to say, prepare your words and then return to your partner at a later time. As you become more comfortable with this newfound character, you will eventually be able to apologize right in the moment.
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Photo: Brad Fults/Flickr
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“I’m always right if I never apologize…” Yup….yup…I was simmering for a long time until I finally told my husband that his friend should apologize to me for what he said….his friend refused…I ended my relationship with them….but my husband continued to be friendly with them…. Of course, the abusive friend continued to cross boundaries even though I did not have direct contact with him and it was affecting my feelings of personal safety (ie., he was coming over to our house unannounced and showing up in my front yard and backyard without warning)….finally, I just had it….I read the… Read more »
I ended a relationship of two years because of this very reason. His inability to cough up a simple apology illustrated a serious character flaw. It was as if he cared more about being perceived as perfect than my feelings. It hurt me very much to end the relationship and I miss him daily, but what else could I do? He has even attempted to get back together but he has done everything but acknowledge my feelings. What is wrong with him? I have never encountered such a person.
I’m sorry you still struggle with the loss of your relationship. If your feelings for your ex are still in tact despite his non-apologizing ways, it might be worth revisiting. People can grow and change with really skilled coaching and a patient partner.
I agree! An apology can make the difference between a lingering issue and a simple miscommunication that is quickly forgiven. The power of an apology is amazing, especially when genuine. I often wondered if the inability to apologize was the sign of a narcissistic personality. However, your point illustrates an attempt at avoidance. The true cruelty of interacting with someone who doesn’t apologize is that the offended party is often left to wonder if there has been an offense worthy of an apology! This becomes the new normal! So much that you can lose your sense of boundaries if left… Read more »
Joe, the inability to apologize can absolutely signify a narcissistic personality when other features are also present. I’m glad you were able to open up to another explanation of the behavior; and it is still off-putting and hurtful. Remember, your feelings are valid regardless of whether the offender sees fit to apologize for the offense.