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Most loving thing a woman can do for a man is create a safe place for our feelings @justinricklefs RT@GoodMenProject: http://t.co/OrJR9ddDrp
— Andy McDowell (@AirspaceDude) February 13, 2015
My husband snapped at me with impatience the other night and what could have been over in a few seconds erupted into World War III. Why? Because he was expressing disappointment in how I was reacting to something and I responded with defensiveness. That’s all it took and we went on to have it out for a few rounds.
The thing men need the most can be the hardest thing for us to give.
It’s creating the safe place that can be challenging. Sure, we can be present and loving if a man is sad in front of us, if he is talking about being disappointed or worried about something. We can listen if he is calm, quiet and reflective. Creating a safe place for that is probably pretty easy for most of us.
Here’s the thing about feelings, though. They don’t always come up perfectly scripted and modulated. Feelings don’t always make sense and they sure as hell aren’t always rational. Feelings are sometimes reactive. As I was reminded the other night, feelings sometimes sound like blame. They can feel like accusations.
If we really want to be that safe place for men to share their feelings, we have to have a better understanding of what that means.
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Sad=Mad
It’s hard for anyone to express sadness, disappointment, or regret. Those softer feelings are vulnerable and can leave us feeling weak. That’s usually where anger comes in. When we’re mad, we’re large and in charge. We feel more in control. Our defenses are up and we can’t get hurt. Sometimes, we get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and that pisses us off.
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Being a safe place means accepting that we aren’t perfect. It means understanding that with intent or without it, we can sometimes be a source of pain for the person we love.
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Men don’t experience feelings any differently and it becomes easier and more permissible to get angry. If women really want to be a safe place for men’s feelings, they have to increase their comfort level with anger. This doesn’t mean lowering boundaries or repeatedly accepting disrespectful behavior but it does mean accepting that sometimes when a man is really hurt, he isn’t going to express it perfectly. He may yell. He may raise his voice, be short, sarcastic, and flippant.
This shouldn’t be a surprise as women are no different. We can be imperfect when we’re mad, too. Creating a loving space for a man’s anger means staying still, quieting your defensive reactions, and allowing him space to calm down.
Accepting a man’s anger requires patience in the moment. It means trusting that where he is in that moment isn’t where he’ll always be. He might not land in an angry, accusatory place once he calms down and starts talking about what’s bothering him. However, he’ll never start talking about the root of his upset if his initial reaction isn’t accepted.
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We have to be prepared to hear that it’s our fault.
It’s not easy when he starts talking and the first thing you hear is “Well, you…..”. Getting defensive can almost feel like an automatic response when someone starts with that phrase and if we react with that defensiveness, we’ve immediately stopped listening. We perceive that any good intent we had on our parts wasn’t seen or trusted and it can feel like he is taking his bad mood out on us.
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He might very well want or need our perspective on a situation but before you rush in to save the day, be sure to ask if he’s drowning and wants your help
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No one wants to create a safe place for that! Our instinct is to run from that, to push it away. For men, that’s rejection. That says “Sure honey, I care about what you think and feel as long as it doesn’t have anything to do with me.”
Being a safe place means accepting that we aren’t perfect. It means understanding that with intent or without it, we can sometimes be a source of pain for the person we love. It also means understanding and being calm and patient when we’ve been misunderstood-when something really isn’t our fault. Good communication doesn’t happen at high volume or high-intensity.
Creating safety will sometimes mean sitting with blame until things calm and you can talk it out and of course, it means accepting responsibility and apologizing when we have hurt or let them down, even if it wasn’t our intention.
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It’s not on us to solve the problem.
Men really aren’t that different from us when it comes to talking about feelings. They want to be heard, validated, and understood. When we rush to problem solving, we’re not really hearing what they have to say. He might very well want or need our perspective on a situation but before you rush in to save the day, be sure to ask if he’s drowning and wants your help. He just may want company while he figures it out.
We can validate the feeling even when we don’t get why he feels that way.
Men don’t always understand our reactions to things. We can get upset or sad about things that seem little or insignificant to them. The same is true for men. They may react with feelings to a situation that seem confusing or just don’t make sense. We have to be careful not to judge the feeling and instead relate to it. You may not get why something is angering or saddening your guy. He may be disappointed about something that you just don’t get. That’s ok. Relate to the feeling. You’ve been mad, sad, and disappointed before. Stay in that place and relate to the feeling.
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They don’t always need to talk about it. Really.
Sometimes women put too much emphasis on conversation. Sometimes, words aren’t necessary. Sometimes, he’s just going need someone who can be quiet with him, someone who can keep him company while he figures things out, himself. Maybe he needs company at the gym while he works it out. He might need to be held, hugged, or have his hand held. Making love to him sensitively and with compassion also creates safety and acceptance. Being a safe person sometimes means accepting that not talking is an acceptable option.
Accept when they’re done talking and Let. It. Go.
My poor husband. I am a therapist. When I am not bungling up his feelings and making them about me, I am usually all too happy to jump right in and talk…and talk…and talk. Poor guy. Not everyone likes to, or needs to, go round and round their feelings ad nauseam. Sometimes, they just need to put it out there that they are going through something and then they can move on.
Safety means letting them. Women can get sucked into the intimacy that gets created when a man opens up and that feeling can tempt us to drag out the moment longer than he is comfortable with. Take your cue from him. When he’s done talking, let him be done.
After all, safety also means being aware of what’s going on with him and following up a day or two later to see how he’s feeling or how it all worked out.
Hey, Good Men Project readers! Looking for love? Check out our partner, MeetMindful. The dating site for conscious men and women.
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Photo: Getty Images
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*disappointed *would
Intelligent discipline changed my perspective about ‘trouble’ forever. It truly did make it easier to admit and accept fault. Still, I draw from that well daily. When I was growing up and was caught troubling about town/school with my click etc., my Father would ask me to meet in his “office” (the patio; his industrial workstation). He’d share what he had seen/heard and would ask that what I thought about it. He spoke in a calm + matter of fact manner. As you might imagine, because of the immense respect for the man; my (the) truth poured out! Calm, rational… Read more »
Yes I agree. I have read many articles in this blog and learned from this. He chose me and loves me more because I never want to argue or more reacted when he was angry or raised his voice. And finally he realized that he already hurt me even though he did not say sorry. But he showed with his words and tried to explain why he became like this . He doesn’t know that I’ve learnt from this blog.
Recently, my partner cut communication with me for 2 weeks. My natural reaction was to be angry, which made me bombard him with messages of anger, frustration and worry. This made him ‘walk away’ more. After I changed the theme of my messages to happy thoughts and words of assurance that I am standing by him, he gently opened up his emotions and reason for not communicating. Now, we are back on track – communicating everyday.
Yes, its not easy. But men sees us women as their “breath of fresh air”.
I agree that a woman should create a safe place for her partner. The methods used should lead to outcomes which are best for both people in a relationship, and there are definitely two people who need to feel safe, not just one. Some of these methods will surely make a woman feel unsafe (and walk on egg shells). Is making a woman feel unsafe truly okay for the sake of making a man feel safe? Why would that okay? There are too many one sided relationships as it is. Some catering to women; others catering to men. I would… Read more »
Yes, I agree with this blog.
I loved this article! I see the critical comments saying this is horrible advice, but I understood the initial premise to be that the author and her husband are in a loving, non-abusive relationship like I am, and that like me, her husband can have outbursts of “male anger” that seems unreasonable at the moment, and may actually well be unreasonable….but that is the whole point of the article. Certainly not about acceptance of abusive anger, or uncontrolled repeated outbursts. As the author noted “This doesn’t mean lowering boundaries or repeatedly accepting disrespectful behavior” With that said, I found this… Read more »
Right?! I’m amazed at how horrible this advice is. lol.
This is terrible advice. Blame, accusations, etc are all unhealthy and destructive ways of dealing with emotions. If men expect to have a “safe” space, then its on them to not be destructive within that space. Men should be required to gain necessary relational tools to learn the art of communication, not expect to be babied by their wives.
As well, not being willing to accept destructive forms of communication is entirely different then fearing your spouses anger and pushing it away. You’ve got two different issues going on here that you’re trying to solve with one stroke
We are no less than any man. Infact in many ways we stand better. This advice is like some centuaries old advice to give to a modern woman who is still fighting for her rights and acceptance into the society.
I agree that all relationships are based on compromises , but that comes from both the ends. Had this article been devoted to both men and women, it would have been better.
There is a massive difference between yelling ‘I FEEL MAD,’ and ‘YOU’RE PISSING ME OFF.’ Hint: one is acceptable and easy to make space for, and the other is not. Hint2: It’s not gendered.
Big boys can use their damn words. One of the reasons I prefer to hang with atheists and other non-‘traditional’ groups of people is that they are more inclined to take responsibility for their own selves and feelings and actions.
I agree with Marie. Even with Heather’s response, I still think it sets a bad precedent. Relationships are built of patterns, patterns can help connections grow in healthy ways but can also cause relationships to fail. I might put up with my kids yelling at me at random times but not an adult. I expect more self-awareness or insight. If
Thank you.
When life makes us angry, we regard it as a problem to be solved. Most persons feel frustrated when someone or something obstructs them in some way. And most persons respond to the feeling of frustration by immediately wanting the satisfaction of forcing the “obstacle” to get out of the way—or, if it won’t move, to curse it and insult it. Looking at the “other side” is called empathy, and it can go a long way to calming yourself down, keeping the peace, reducing the sense of urgency and fostering simple courtesy. We can catch ourselves wanting to give someone… Read more »
Oops! I was misreading a reader’s comment as the author’s response. I’m sorry. I guess I can see that the author is opening the conversation about not reacting in anger or defensiveness when a partner needs to vent. I still feel like the idea would benefit from a preface related to “not abusive” relationships. For people (regardless of gender or gender roles) who are in abusive relationships, this kind of article really encourages them to continue to tolerate the abuse. My boyfriend and I manage situations where one person needs to vent anger by simply stating up front that we… Read more »
The most loving thing you can give to a man is a back scratch. That always does the trick. Least my boyfriend would agree
This is a really nice piece, Heather. It can be really challenging to write about how to stay present and loving when a partner is angry and isn’t managing it effectively. People often think that the message they’re being given is that they should be some sort of compassionate doormat or garbage can (terms clients have used) when the point is that staying calm and steady is, in fact, a way of being loving to yourself and your partner. We all have out less-than-stellar moments. When I’m having one of mine, I’m deeply appreciative if my husband is able to… Read more »
I would never want anyone to think I was talking about accepting a pattern of abuse. What I was trying to illustrate that at times, men–and women–can be inappropriate in how they express their feelings. They can yell, get angry, say a mean, impatient word or be irrational. I don’t think their feelings should be discounted or that they should lose their safe space just because they lost it for a little while. If they never seem to be able to get it together or are consistently inappropriate, then yeah, you need to think about things other than taking care… Read more »
Wonderful clarification and a great article, Heather. I thoroughly enjoyed it and the spirit with which it was written. It reminded me of an incident two mornings ago. I’m normally pretty in control of my anger when unexpected crap goes wrong. But not THAT morning. Tired, blurry eyed and naked I walked from the bed to the bathroom and stepped right in the middle of the cat water bowl which was right in the middle of the floor. Why a cat (my girlfriend’s cat) needs 1.5 gallons of fresh water in a shallow bowl is beyond me. Why it was… Read more »
Heather,
Thank you for clarifying. I think your amendment makes the article much clearer. Perhaps that should have been stressed more in the actual text? That this idea of “sitting back and letting them be mad” should not be the normative?
Wow.
Your article was spot on, so spot on that its scary and makes it all seem so simple, but unfortunately when you’re in it, its anything but simple. It comes down to ones ability to extend their compassion and empathy to the one they love. Some of us are better at it than others!
Without those two abilities then conversations become arguments, become resentments etc.
Thanks for your great words. 🙂
I understand the idea of providing a safe place for a partner to emote, having to have someone get angry when you screw up, not jumping in to solve problems.,etc., but after being in a couple of emotionally abusive relationships, I am having a hard time with parts of this article. The part “Sad = Mad” smacks way too much of shutting up to keep the peace, even when tactics like shifting blame and distorting reality are used. In past relationships, my efforts to give my partner compassion and space for whatever he was dealing with unwittingly created and reinforced… Read more »
The above response is spot on and a much more lucid way of saying what I was trying to say
I think with anger you should let him or her blow off steam. When I get angry, I rant n rave n swear n carry on but it’s that action that actually helps me burn off the negative energy n let it all out. It shouldn’t be directed at her or him of course and people shouldn’t put up with that, but if he’s angry about a broken car part then let him yell about it and realize you aren’t in danger over the yelling. When someone is angry I usually let them yell or I do this technique of… Read more »
I had the same feeling MARIE. You correct!
I totally agree with you, Marie. And I think it’s a little funny that the author (who was saying something very different from your interesting and insightful comment) then tries to claim that this is, in fact, what she was trying to say. I really think that the author’s perspective is unhelpful and indicative of an emotionally abusive relationship. But perhaps that is because I was in an emotionally abusive relationship where I extended and extended and extended and, thinking that I was creating safe emotional space for my husband, I ended up endorsing his constant emotionally abusive lashing out… Read more »
Marie,
I was thinking the exact same thing when I read this article. You said it very well. I am very surprised that this was written by a Therapist as it seems to set such an unhealthy precedent. Rather than letting anger be the way that sadness is presented, I think it is more about growing trust in the relationship so that the man can feel comfortable showing his sadness, rather than resorting to anger.
I COMPLETELY agree. This article is questionable advice!
I just have to say, with the roles reversed…this is spot on. My male partner asks me a question about how I’m feeling and insists I open up. I do and suddenly, no matter what I’ve said, he takes it personally and the conversation becomes about him. He gets defensive and I get frustrated. I ask for some time and space as I can see this leading to an argument. He refuses and insists we talk it out. Except ‘talk it out’ means he is ready to go on the attack (he says he uses all his ‘arsenal’ because I’m… Read more »
That sounds super frustrating.