No parent looks at their child and imagines he or she will someday violate another human being but rape happens anyway. To prevent it, parents have to start talking.
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The conversation about rape, rape culture, etc in our society today has grown louder than it has been in the past. Thanks to the internet, there is no position on the issue that can’t find supporters. One of the most pervasive, albeit seemingly simplistic, ideas to gain traction in the midst of the furor can be paraphrased as: Instead of teaching people ways to protect themselves from being raped, why not teach people not to rape?
On its surface, it seems like such an obvious thing. Clearly the onus should be on potential predators, not on the victims. And at only a brief glance, it seems like such an unnecessary thing to say. We raise our children to keep their hands to themselves, to have respect, to listen. One woman in a private forum I belong to went so far as to say she thinks it’s ridiculous, and that she’s not going to have any kind of discussion on rape with her son because her son would never rape anyone.
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I don’t think that anyone looks at their son and thinks “yup, he’s probably going to be a rapist.” And hopefully there’s no one out there teaching their son (or daughter – I absolutely do not discount female predators or male victims here) that it’s ok to lay hands on an unwilling person. But rape happens anyway. Not everyone who rapes comes from a broken home. Not all were sexually abused themselves. Not all have some sort of underlying mental defect that made them think it was ok.
But when we think about rape, and are so sure our children would never do such a thing, I think we tend to think of the back alley, violent act of a stranger. That leaves out a portion of the conversation that’s much murkier – date rape. Your child knows not to lay hands on someone who clearly states no and fights them off. Hopefully that’s a no-brainer. But do they know to be careful when their intended partner has had too much to drink? What level of consciousness is required for consent? The difference between playfully pushing away and really meaning that sex is not wanted?
These things don’t only protect potential victims of rape. They also protect our children against those who would allege rape when they are unhappy with their own (consenting) actions. Against being put in a situation where they can’t clearly defend themselves and clearly show that consent was given.
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We don’t think our children would ever rape anyone. But rape happens anyway. I intend on talking with my daughter (and any future children – boy or girl) about boundaries. About respect for people and for bodies. What rape means, and how it happens. About consent.
I’m not saying it won’t be uncomfortable. No one wants to believe their child could do something so grievously wrong. But keeping silent about it and hoping for the best can’t be the answer, either. So I’ll teach my daughter to be smart and stay out of dangerous situations. But I will also teach her not to rape.
The Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21
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Photo: Richard Potts/Flickr
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You do realize that there are men (and women ) out there who are messed up in the head,who will do bad things (rape,murder,steal etc )despite being taught not to,because they just don’t care. THAT is why people need to learn ways to protect and defend themselves. Whether it’s at home at school or wherever most men are taught that rape is wrong and why it’s wrong,but some men will do it anyway,
I completely agree. I’m absolutely not advocating that we take out those defensive measures. Just that we add this conversation to it.
This is a refreshing article. Very few articles would even touch on teaching women / girls consent. Even on this site, too many still cling to the false belief that women do no harm (sugar and spice and everything nice) and that a man’s consent is automatic (he always wants sex) or much worse inconsequential (He’s not affected the same way or it’s not as big a problem.) or in the most extreme cases that it’s beneficial (Getting raped makes men more away of what women face). I think when it comes to education too many people get hung up… Read more »
Amen. I couldn’t in good conscious not include rape by females. I know someone who was a victim, and I was also deeply affected by Lauren Book’s story (if you haven’t read it, it’s an amazing and difficult book), and felt that it needs to be addressed. And you’re right – by many state laws, a man can be assaulted, but not technically raped. I find that ridiculous. Anything I teach my daughter will be both to avoid being a victim AND to avoid being a perpetrator.
*in good conscience – my word, it seems I become less of a conscientious writer after 8:00pm…
” Anything I teach my daughter will be both to avoid being a victim AND to avoid being a perpetrator.” Stephane: As someone who has been assaulted (though, not sexually) by women in the past- thank you for this. The woman how harmed me honestly believed-though she didn’t articulate it this way- that as a woman it either ‘didn’t count’ as violence or that she was completely justified in what she did. Not only does this “women are always innocent” attitude harm male victims, it wouldn’t surprise me if part of the reason some men have difficulty with the concept… Read more »
“They also protect our children against those who would allege rape when they are unhappy with their own (consenting) actions. Against being put in a situation where they can’t clearly defend themselves and clearly show that consent was given.” Do they? How? When asked how a person (read: a man) accused of rape would prove that he actually *did* obtain consent, SB 967’s- California’s Yes Means Yes law- co-author, Assemblywoman Bonnie Lowenthal, D-Long Beach, replied “your guess is as good as mine.” She wrote the law, and even SHE can’t tell us how it frigging works! So: How does one… Read more »
You make a very valid point. I was thinking more along the lines of men not putting themselves in a position to sleep with someone who’s very inebriated, etc. But you’re right – once the actual sexual act has occurred, proving consent is incredibly difficult. Thank you for digging deeper into this. I may be writing more articles along these lines in the future, and you’ve given me something to think about.