When Kassandra Brown asks a group of people to physically represent shame, she sees them isolate. When she gives each person a partner, she sees them begin to heal.
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It’s easy to expect those who’ve survived abuse and trauma to feel shame. It’s harder to understand the normal, everyday shame that you and I carry. Yet, we all experience this intensely painful emotion brought about by the fear that we can do something that makes us unworthy of love and belonging.
Since humans are hardwired for connection, according to Brene Brown’s research into shame, the lack of love and belonging cause a neurological pain response identical to physical pain. The research shows what we all know; shame hurts.
Shame looks like isolation. Suddenly the room gets quiet and everyone is curled into the fetal position quietly trying to be invisible.
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The body can also help us heal. More honest than words, the body gives us direct access to authenticity. When we make words secondary, we are more likely to get out of our normal shielding responses and into healing. The following highlights from a workshop I recently lead help shed light on how embodying tough emotions makes it easier to heal and connect.
“Today I’d like to play with embodying taboo emotions. We’re going to live into and express jealousy, fear, shame, and joy with our bodies.” I say to the group of men and women who’ve come to “Embody Intimacy” with me.
I look around the circle to gauge their reactions and see willingness. We begin to move as I invite them into each emotion in turn.
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Jealousy looks fierce with pushing, pulling, wrestling, growls and hisses with a few scattered words like “mine” and “go away”.
Fear looks small and scared. People burrow into each other’s laps, peek out from under piles of pillows, shake, and cry out.
Shame looks like isolation. Suddenly the room gets quiet and everyone is curled into the fetal position quietly trying to be invisible. No one is touching. No one is interacting.
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We stay like this for a few minutes as I wait to see where people take this energy of shame.
We continue to be small, quiet and isolated. No one is moving. The energy feels thick, heavy, and depressed.
I ask the participants to pair up. I realize everyone needs a buddy in this exercise. When we’re in shame, we need connection.
I invite one person to stay in the shame and another to sit with them. “Look at your partner with loving eyes with no need to fix, change, or take on the shame you are witnessing. Trust your intuition about when to speak and interact and remember you don’t have to rescue your partner. Just witness them and be with them.”
The energy starts to shift. People move and reach out. There is crying, holding, and talking. Eventually we switch roles and start the process of connecting through shame all over again.
This workshop gave visceral confirmation that shame isolates and that the way out of shame is through embodied connection.
Most of our unskillful shame responses—like shame, blame, and judgment—come through our words. Let’s look at ways our words spread shame followed by some ways the body helps us heal.
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3 Ways We Spread Shame
1) Blame: Shame is so painful we’ll do anything to get it away from us, including thrusting it upon someone else. We may:
- Criticize other men for being weak or crying.
- Tell the boss it was all the co-workers fault.
- Hurt a gay man because he’s gay.
These are all ways of trying to fit in, hustling for connection, and deflecting shame onto someone else. We do it in the hopes that the shame feelings won’t stick to us. Pausing to feel—our bodies will help—and owning our piece of the story gives others the courage to do the same and promotes responsibility instead of blame.
2) Judgment “I may not be perfect, but you’re worse.” This is the mantra of a judgmental reaction which deflects pain through finding fault with others. Closely tied with perfectionism, it’s fed by the belief that it is possible to stave off shame by somehow being good enough. Yet no one and no action is perfect. Striving for excellence is not perfectionism and in fact requires the courage to be vulnerable and imperfect.
3) Shaming Others: When you buy the cultural messages that men should be strong, they don’t do vulnerability, and they don’t show emotions not only do you feel the pain of shame, you’re likely to pass it along to others. You’ll tell your son “Brush it off. That didn’t hurt. Don’t cry.” You’ll tell your wife “You’re too emotional and needy.” You’ll call out “Take off your skirt!” when someone misses the ball in the game. It’s very hard to connect with others in their moments of need or imperfection when your own needs to be seen, known, and loved for who you are go not only unmet, but unacknowledged.
While shame is universal, our responses to it are not. Thankfully embodying shame helps us both mitigate the harmful effects of shame and to befriend it as a guide for living an authentic life.
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Use Your Body, Heal Your Shame – 3 Tips
1) Notice your shame responses. If you’re like me, when you start this work, you don’t even know you have shame. You’re not sure what shame is and you don’t see shame’s relevance to you. In this case, you need a guide to help you find your shame. Those guides come through sensations in your body when you feel like your love and belonging are threatened. How do you feel in your body when;
- your boss dismisses your ideas in front of your co-workers or you get laid off?
- your kids behave in ways that your kids should never behave and they do it in front of your perfect brother and his wife?
- your lover doesn’t want to have sex or you can’t get an erection?
- you’re sure other men do it so much better than you?
2) Be gentle with yourself. Shame loves blame, anger, bullying, aggression, and fear. In order to be shame resilient you need to not only admit that you have shame, but come to peace with it as well. Compassion and vulnerability are keys to transforming shame. Try this exercise to bring compassion alive in your body.
3) Be willing to be seen in your shame. Give voice not just to your thoughts but also to your feelings and physical sensations. Act them out in a safe container. Shame happens between people and it heals between people. You can’t do it alone. You have to speak your story. This gets easier with practice.
The courage to be vulnerable is a muscle that can be exercised and strengthened. We don’t need to tell our most vulnerable and painful stories to everyone we meet. We can start to share more of our feelings, longings, and fears with those who’ve earned the right to our trust. Imperfectly is good enough.
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Photo: Nicholas A. Tenolli/Flickr
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