Honoring Your Grief and Loss Process (Because the Days Matter)

Loss is often measured by years. Someone might say, “She died five years ago.”

But grief doesn’t follow a calendar. For those left behind, it shows up in both the small and big moments. Some days, it feels like the death happened yesterday. Other days, like a lifetime ago.

As someone who has experienced way too much loss, I know just how overwhelming grief can be. It gets easier over time, but it’s still present, even years later. Handling grief is like walking in a minefield. One day, you’re fine, going about your life, then a song comes on that makes you start crying. You get a whiff of perfume out of nowhere, or see someone who reminds you of them.

Every loss is composed of a special set of circumstances, thoughts, and feelings that contribute to the overall trauma. It’s brutal, messy, and horribly unpredictable. One person’s death can affect you in a completely different way than someone else’s, even if the circumstances were similar. On top of that, life piles on more and more every day.

How are you supposed to navigate all that? By granting yourself grace and honoring yourself every day.

I’ve heard many people minimize their own grief and say that they’re not the one who lost their life. Even so, losing someone you love often feels like losing a piece of yourself. Just because people can’t see your pain doesn’t make it any less real.

For me, the grief has never gone away. It’s always present, sometimes quiet, other times unbearably loud. Every loss has changed me.

In the days and weeks after someone’s death, you’re in the midst of it all. People check on you, make sure you’re okay. And then the dust settles. The silence. Everyone moves on with life, and so do you, just differently now. Life feels a little … heavier.

So how do you navigate this new way of living?

Living With Loss

It’s important to honor your life and your own journey through the grief process every day. You need to find ways to live with your own pain when other people forget you’re still carrying it.

One of the ways grief has changed me is that I’m kinder and more empathetic, or at least I try to be. I know what it’s like to feel immense pain, anger, and confusion that I kept to myself because I didn’t want to “burden” other people. I also didn’t feel like anyone would understand. I know what it’s like to need extra love and kindness during really tough moments but not ask for it. We all know that feeling, yet many of us remain silent.

There’s a quote by Jamie Anderson that says, “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

Give yourself this love. Give others this love.

Be proud of yourself for every day you get out of bed. Yes, I’m serious. Because some days, that in itself is an accomplishment.

Here are some ways you can give yourself extra TLC, or spread the love if you’re so inclined.

Self-care ideas

Doodle
Meditate
Do a puzzle
Go for a walk
Get a massage
Journal your thoughts
Read a book
Learn a new hobby
Buy yourself flowers
Watch your pet play
Have a picnic in the park
Take an everything shower
Reconnect with a friend
Buy your favorite dessert
Give yourself a mini spa hour
Have a cup of tea or coffee outdoors

Acts of Kindness for Others

Drop off flowers
Bake cookies for a friend
Send a greeting card
Pay for coffee anonymously
Invite a friend for snacks
Donate items you no longer need
Buy a small treat for a coworker
Write a note of appreciation for a loved one
Send surprise takeout to their door
Volunteer with a local organization
Spend a day giving genuine compliments
Leave a positive note for someone to find
Run an errand for someone who’s overwhelmed
Send a ‘thank you’ gift to someone who has helped you

Seeking Support

If you’re grieving the loss of someone you love, I recommend finding a good therapist and bereavement group. I’m sure some of you rolled your eyes at the thought, but this is coming from someone who wasn’t thrilled with the idea of either. However, I chose help instead of trying to aimlessly wander through the mess on my own, and I definitely don’t regret it. Both therapy and the bereavement group made a significant positive difference in my life. Consider giving it a shot; you might be surprised.

If you’re not sure where to start, I actually found a therapist through Psychology Today. You can also find a bereavement group through the site, but I found mine by doing a Google search for ones near me.

Just remember that you deserve to give yourself love, kindness, and patience. Some days will be easier than others, but you can push forward. Lean on people when you need help remembering your strength. Grief can feel isolating, but you’re not alone. We’ve all been there. You got this.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.