Hot Take: Relationships Shouldn’t Always Be 50/50

It’s a common sentiment: relationships should always be 50/50. After all, it’s a two way street.

People get in fights over this. They get upset when they feel that they are carrying more weight than their partner. They feel like they are the one holding it all together, making it work.

Even people who aren’t in relationships yet are well aware of this mantra, and even buy into it. I’ve had friends who tell me that they aren’t going to settle for dating someone unless it’s totally equal — aka 50/50 — because they’d been burned in the past by people who did the exact opposite and invested nothing.

I won’t lie — this phrase isn’t totally out of line. The intent behind it is great, but it sends out a few mixed messages. And I don’t believe that it can be true. At least, not most of the time.

Here’s my hot take on why I don’t think relationships should be 50/50.

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Balance and equality are not the same thing

50/50 is equality — each partner carrying exactly the same weight, in exactly the same ways. Balance is something different. Relationships can be balanced without being entirely equal.

It’s like the difference between equity and equality. Things can be equitable in a relationship without having to be exactly the same. You can still feel plenty balanced, plenty loved, plenty cared for, even if you play different roles from time to time.

I am not suggesting that relationships should be completely frazzled and one-sided, like a seesaw with one person sinking to the ground and sending the other person screaming into the clouds.

But relationship dynamics and roles change depending on context. Sometimes, with the curveballs that life throws, that 50/50 ratio can turn to a 40/60. Or a 72/28. Or really anything in between 0 and 100.

The balance of a relationship tends to shift for many reasons

Especially post-pandemic, we all know that life can be tired and burdensome and unrelenting. Sometimes, you just need a kind companion to help you navigate those rough parts.

Maybe you had a horrible day at work and your partner takes initiative by making a nice, nourishing dinner and making you a cup of hot tea. If there were a scoreboard in front of you two, it certainly wouldn’t show 50 and 50. A task like that might earn your partner an extra few “points,” for lack of a better term. And that night, it wouldn’t be equal.

But what about the times when your partner came home sick and you went to their favorite cafe to grab them chicken noodle soup to soothe their sore throat? Or what about when you heat up their towel in the dryer before they get out of the shower, just because? In those moments, you’re the one with the extra “points”, skewing the ratio off from 50/50. But anyone with enough goodness in their heart to do those nice things isn’t worried about arbitrary ratios.

The 50/50 myth can cause people to feel like they “owe” each other, which isn’t healthy

The more we perpetuate the myth that relationships need to be 50/50, the more that people will feel like they “owe” each other.

That whole soup scenario I just talked about? In a 50/50 world, your partner might feel guilty that you did that for them, or feel like they need to make up for it somehow. And when they recover from being sick, maybe they grab you your favorite takeout. Not because they just thought of you, but because they feel like they owe you it. Like you did something nice, and now they’re bringing it back around.

And while this is a nice sentiment, it’s misguided and can be unhealthy. In a relationship, no one should ever feel like they owe the other person something. This is how toxic, even abusive situations tend to begin — with one person imposing unfair expectations on another, or instilling the idea that they are “owed” things from the other person.

Besides, actions really start to lose their meaning if they were done out of obligation. Just returning to that soup scenario one more time: of course it’s nice that your partner grabbed you your favorite takeout, but it’s the thought that counts, right? And in this case, the thought is nonexistent because their main motivation for treating you was the fact that you had treated them first and they wanted to “measure up.” That takes the magic away a little.

Love is not determined by returned favors and gestures. Love is how you feel about the other person; it’s about occasionally doing things out of the goodness of your heart. If you’re on the receiving end, you should feel that your partner did it out of care and not obligation. If you’re on the giving end, you should be doing it with no ulterior motives. This is balance. This is love.

Love knows no ratios, and people show love in so many different ways

Like I said, if people have enough goodness in their heart to do these wonderful things for their partner, then there’s no need for a ratio to confirm whether the relationship is balanced or not.

Love truly knows no ratios. Again, not saying that one partner should be doing all the heavy lifting while the other person comes home and gets spoiled or enabled while doing nothing in return. But then that wouldn’t be love — that would be enabling and spoiling.

When you love someone, you’re going to want to go out of your way for them. You are going to want to be generous. Picking up the slack of chores for them when you know they’re extra tired today doesn’t feel so unfair, because you do it out of love and care. Planning nice gestures and doing fun things for them doesn’t feel like a favor that needs to be returned; it’s just a way of expressing how you feel about them.

You’re rarely, if ever, going to have days when things measure up to be exactly 50/50. But that shouldn’t matter, because if you feel loved and you and your partner both show each other love in your own way, then there’s no need for numbers to validate you.

And if you don’t feel loved? Well, it’s worth a conversation. And if abuse comes into play at all, the ratios go out the window and it becomes about you doing what’s best for you and leaving that environment. Both of these situations are unique cases.

But if you’re (generally) happy and you feel (generally) loved, other than the occasional normal relationship woes, then you’re all good. And in that case, 50/50 becomes meaningless.

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So there’s my hot take: I don’t think relationships should always be 50/50. Imposing such rigid expectations on something as fluid and delicate as love can be more harmful than helpful.

Relationships need balance to be healthy, yes. But balance and 50/50 are not synonymous, just as equity and equality aren’t. The ratios will change from day to day as you begin to learn each other’s needs and desires and act accordingly, or even do things just because.

The more we perpetuate this 50/50 mentality, the less meaning our actions will have. The more we’ll feel like we “owe” someone or have to match up for what they’ve done for us. And truly, that is no way to live. Or love.

Love should be freeing, authentic, balanced. All of these things are possible without an arbitrary ratio keeping track of who’s done what.

As long as you listen to each other, enjoy each other’s company, act out of love, and feel loved, you’re golden.

And all those numbers go out the window.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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