How Avoidant and Anxious Partners Should Talk During Conflict

Do you notice something when there are moments of conflict in your relationship, regardless of which side of the anxious avoidant dynamic you’re on?

More often than not, you end up fighting to defend the position that helps you regulate your nervous system, and you’re no longer in a debate about the original topic that created the conflict.

What we know about the anxious and avoidant dynamic is that one person’s comfort is the other person’s trigger. When we are in a moment of conflict, we try our best to protect ourselves from perceived harm.

That moment is when we make the biggest mistake in this ordeal. Our partner becomes the perceived harm instead of the overwhelming feelings taking over.

You end up in a loop: one person is pursuing and trying to connect to force the bond to reignite, and the other is moving toward isolation for a place to think and process what is happening.

While each of you in this dynamic is nodding your head, thinking you are doing what’s best, I have to break the news that both of you are moving in the wrong direction.

The goal isn’t to force the other person to be more secure; it’s to create a system of communication so you both work toward a path for security in your relationship and the secure attachment you both hopefully want to earn.

Well, how do we do it, Tunde? Let’s dig in.

The magic clock

The anxious and avoidant dynamic quickly gets off the rails when one factor comes into the mix: time.

The anxious partner moves quickly; they want to build a bond early in the dynamic, talk about issues as they arise, and offload emotions so they don’t become overwhelmed.

The avoidant partner moves slowly; internal and external trust takes time to build. They need time to process their thoughts, and emotions are viewed as a pyramid, with some items at the bottom falling off.

You can see how these views directly contradict each other and can lead to confrontation and difficult moments.

Both partners need to start with one objective: lead with outcomes and not accusations.

Anxious: Most of the time, it’s not that your partner doesn’t care about your emotions. They feel blindsided because your progress is rapid compared to theirs.

Avoidants: Your partner is not pressing you to be a nuisance. The discomfort they feel when you’re not in harmony feels like a sense of abandonment.

Time.

The outcome each partner wants is time and a bridge between their needs.

Leading with the accusation that the other person is careless and ignoring your need is the wrong approach. You need to communicate what the middle ground looks like in action.

Instead of pushing or pulling away, you should present the issue and time for your partner time to process. Conversely, you should give your partner a defined meeting to resolve topics.

The outcome is that each person feels heard in their need, while the other person “gives” from their preference.

Regulator

When we think about regulating emotions, we feel like this falls into the anxious individuals’ bucket. It is not solely on them.

Yes, if you are the anxious partner, you will benefit from a process of identifying items you can resolve on your own, and that will lead to inner strength.

The avoidant partner can do some work in this area, too. You don’t get overwhelmed, but you go through a process of future revelation.

What does that mean? It means that although you are not currently feeling the effects of your emotions, they arise later when you have processed what has already hit you.

The anxious partner wants to talk and “get it in the air,” while the avoidant partner “hasn’t even thought about it yet, so why is it a big deal?”

If you are the avoidant partner, open a space for your partner to get items off their chest. They’re not asking for an immediate response; they’re asking for a space to be able to express.

Ironically, the more they feel they can come to you and express, the less they’ll feel the need to do it. They trust that you can be a source.

The anxious partner has to recognize that their avoidant partner most likely is not prepared on the spot to respond with something that will alleviate their overwhelming emotion.

Allow your partner time to register and process, but go back to our first pillar, where time is defined. Your partner needs to feel comfortable in the space of discomfort. You cannot catch them off guard.

I have to break some news and dispel a myth; there is no such thing as a safe space. There are only methods that will help you attend the uncomfortable space and show up for your partner. Create them.

The storyteller

The mistake both partners make in this dynamic is creating the story of why their partner’s behavior does not align with theirs.

Surprise, it’s rarely positive.

The key to survival in this dynamic is to understand your partner’s behavior, but also understand the root.

We assume the worst-case scenarios. “My avoidant partner hates listening to anything I have to say,” or “my anxious partner is so needy that I have to solve their problems.” Obviously, these should appear to sound outlandish.

Switch the narrative in these times and think about what your partner is really dealing with.

They are having a minor or major nervous system breakdown, and just because your avoidant partner isn’t visibly having the same experience as you, it does not make your story true.

We approach our partner with our perception instead of what they are trying to communicate to us. Again, from the beginning of the article, more often than not, you end up arguing about something that isn’t even the original topic.

Allow your partner to claim their story and stop filling in the gaps with your version.

If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at [email protected] to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.