How Avoidants Can Help Reset Their Anxious Partner’s Reactions

Let’s take a deep breath before we get started with the article.

No, seriously, take a breath. Each partner will have to remember to do this once in a while since both can have moments when they feel overwhelmed by their partner’s behaviors.

Take another deep breath. Remember, I write for people who are preparing or actively taking the journey toward transitioning their attachment style and gaining security.

Two people in a dynamic who recognize the need for change will understand the cliche statement, “It is a marathon and not a sprint.”

While you are patiently implementing changes to your behaviors and characteristics, there are techniques you can use to manage their behaviors that can be triggering.

Tunde, what if I am actively working on myself, but my partner has not started their self-work yet?

Don’t worry. The techniques and changes can still apply to you.

Let’s take one last pause. Ladies and gentlemen. I get it. It can be frustrating because there are moments when you’re actively triggered, and it’s tough to be mindful of your partner’s experience.

I have breaking news. When you’re mindful of your partner’s experience, it helps you create a middle ground where each partner learns how to navigate their role in a restructured relationship.

It makes your triggers less frequent when you know how to manage your partners. Mind-blowing stuff, I know.

One more deep breath. Let’s dive in.

Mix the batter

I bet I can make an educated guess on how you feel as an avoidant or if you’re the partner of one.

You enjoy a relationship that builds over time, doesn’t come with expectations like timelines, and there aren’t demands about building the connection.

Do you want to know the number one way to trigger your anxious partner?

Tell them you need undefined time, leave them in the grey area, and move away from building intimacy in the relationship.

Okay, the point isn’t to show the clear polar opposite “need” but to highlight that your partner is not trying to be demanding. They are looking for consistency.

As your resident, former, dismissive-avoidant, I understand the struggle. When this order of operations goes unmanaged, the dynamic quickly switches to a push-pull relationship.

Your partner is not looking for a direct timeline. They are looking for a future vision.

Your partner is not looking to demand your time. They are looking for someone consistent in their effort to have intimate time together.

Your partner is not looking to strip you of your individuality. They are looking for a partner who they can trust to return without an arbitrary time between interactions.

Consistency alleviates anxiety. Write that down in Sharpie on the front of your journal.

Outer space

Your partner is not a mind reader.

When you are in a relationship with someone anxious, their thoughts are often the opposite of yours.

Your behaviors are often the opposite of theirs.

Someone who falls on the anxious side wants to connect and build a deep bond with their partner. I italicize with. They want to physically be with you.

Avoidants enjoy time with their partners, but enjoy their alone time because it is the environment where they are comfortable recharging.

Avoidants often don’t communicate that need well or at all. Instead, when they feel overwhelmed by their partner closing the gap to proximity, they push their partner away.

You are failing to communicate that you don’t want to distance yourself from your partner, and it is because you don’t know you feel an invasion of space. Retreating to isolation feels safe.

It feels like rejection to your partner.

Do you know how far “I really value our time together, and I also recharge alone. It’s not about you — it’s just what I need to show up better in our relationship,” goes?

When someone anxious is left in the dark, their thoughts begin to race. When they feel rejected or abandoned, those thoughts are about how they can prevent it from happening.

Boom, now they are trying to invade your space when they are trying to close the gap in the grey area of separation.

RE:

In your mind, it is clear how you feel about your partner, but I don’t have to break down why someone anxious needs constant reassurance from their partner.

Do you want to know something triggering for you as an avoidant? High expectations. (both fearful and dismissive avoidants share this trigger/ core wound)

It feels like there is weight and pressure your partner is throwing at you, but what if I told you they aren’t expecting as much as you think?

Remember the first bullet when we talked about consistency? Reassurance is consistency. Hold this thought.

Our attachment style is often directly the opposite of our love language.

Let me break that down. As an avoidant, let me guess. You value quality time (which you don’t often provide others when you sink into isolation mode) and acts of service (You love receiving from others because you feel the weight of expectations thrown your way).

Anxious partners value physical touch (Since it is hard for them to feel the value of a bond without proximity to their partner) and words of affirmation (because they have a hard time seeing their worth without a reminder).

Let’s resume. Your partner wants small reminders of their worth and value in your life. They are not looking for grand gestures. CONSISTENT goodnight text, reminders of how much you care about them, or “you’ve been so amazing, I just need a moment to recharge,” will SAVE YOU.

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Want to learn about the triggers of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.

Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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