Recently, I had an argument with my wife. Let’s be honest: we all have arguments, but this one was different.
I felt empty and lost and couldn’t quite communicate how I felt or reason with a logical argument. Something had changed inside of me and the world didn’t quite have that colour that it had before. The argument then escalated into a strong standoff with neither backing down and for the first time, we went to bed without clearing the air and then continuing later the following day with the same tone.
Rewind a few weeks and I have had to adjust to a new world without my Mother.
I thought I was doing well with the grief monster, reading books on the subject and understanding how and why it was affecting me. The need to go through with grief and not go around it was always the tactic I would use and I had started to feel better about life, family and myself. I used mindfulness coming back to the ‘now’ always with tears in my eyes and sometimes feeling that I had again moved slightly forward on the grief chart. It was, of course, early days.
To then threaten to take time out and reflect on where I was in life was as much a shock to me as to my wife. We are a very close unit and my motto has and always will be ‘family first’!
Why had it come to this? Was this grief or was it the feeling of mortality?
I read an article a few days ago about a father falling to his death after climbing to the top of a tree with his friend to watch the sunset. He was a very experienced and qualified Tree Surgeon and at the time was high on drugs and alcohol. They had interviewed his wife after the incident and within the conversation, she had stated that they were separated and that his Mum had recently died and that he had not come to terms with it.
He had a family and the way the lady spoke of her ex-husband was one of love of a good man and the sadness of him not being able to deal with his grief.
Why are men so unable to deal with grief, and why do we push away the ones we love?
Maybe it’s a chemical and the testosterone makes us want to reproduce with a new mate or is it the lack of social skills we have and the inability to communicate with other males? Perhaps I’m just over thinking it all and anxiety is making me angry as it is a sign of weakness to show emotion?
Whatever it is I feel the need to say to my fellow Men that are reading this that it’s alright, it’s not great and to be honest it’s a bit shit losing a relative and pretending things are back to normal.
Write your thoughts down and/or write a letter to your wife apologizing and that you love her and your children and it’s going to take time. There will be a time when you will have to support her and this will be the time to show our loved ones that they are valued and we are worth fighting for!
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