How Do You Solve the Problems in Your Marriage?

Marriage is a battlefield with no let-up. Or at least that is what it feels like 80% of the time. Having been married for the last 11 years (Phew…just missed the 10-year itch), it is safe to say that we have overcome many obstacles and problems that plague almost all marriages — touch wood. It appears we have developed a system that works for us..no matter how huge the problem is. It works…. for now.

Most problems within a marriage stem from either disagreement or misunderstanding between the couple. Anyone who has never experienced discord at some stage in their marital life is a liar.

There is no such cozy combination as man and wife

– Menander

I have asked a few couples how they try to resolve and settle their marital arguments. Almost all of them had a different approach, even though they swore it never works. Let us analyse some of these conflict resolutions:

• The silent treatment: One will want to address the issue, but the other prefers to bury their head in the sand, hoping the problem will go away. This is a negative and temporary solution. This kind of approach leads to sudden and unexplained violent outbursts over trivial matters. Repressing feelings is unhealthy. Any resentment and unsolved issues will surely rise to the surface at some point.
• One of the partners tries to be the bigger person: He or she tends to take the high road, whilst the other rants and raves until he/she calms down. The calmer partner’s feelings will always take the back seat. The lunatic partner will eventually calm down, feeling remorseful and will almost certainly be in a conciliatory mood. This will not work in the long term. How long can someone swallow their anger and bitterness before it explodes in their faces? There is only so much one can take.
• Screaming matches: This occurs when both partners want to win every argument. Expressing their concerns quietly, and calmly discussing their differences is an alien concept to this couple. But this is what they are used to and don’t know any other way to resolve their disagreements. After a bout of a shouting match, exhaustion kicks in. It is time for a break, that is until the same issue/problems rises again. The vicious cycle of the same arguments/responses will be repeated over and over again.

I am sure there are many many more. All of the above methods are impractical and superficial. Temporary solutions to problems that does not address or resolve the underlying cause of the said problem.

There is no remedy for love but to love more.

– Henry David Thoreau

There are many ways to address marital discord and one of the best solutions is when the initial rage wanes.

2–1–2 Method

With a clear mind, both parties sit down and take turns to air their grievances. Each partner is given two minutes to present their argument clearly and concisely. Without interruption.

The partner with the twig must be heard

In this instance, each partner will be allowed to speak for TWO minutes, whilst holding a twig or pencil whatever is available. After the first partner had his/her say, there will be ONE minute silence to digest all that was said. No rebuttals and certainly no defending oneself. After the twig is passed over to the other partner, it is their turn to speak for TWO minutes. Every couple will have to play by the rules. Finally, each will be given one minute for closing speech; summary of what was said, and action points. No new information/points will be acceptable at that stage. There will be no winners or losers here.

This may seem hard at first and maybe even little silly (with the twig) but having dialogue is the way to go.

It involves broaching the subject and telling your spouse how his or her behaviour is affecting you and your well being.

Hal Runkel, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of ScreamFree Marriage calls this process “Authentic Self-Representation.”

It is also involves being calm, honest, and tactful with your partner when you speak to him/her. It calls upon you both to eliminate any emotional games, vengeful arguments, hurtful language, or passive-aggressiveness from your own behaviour.

I do not claim to have a psychology degree or counselling credentials. However, Speaking from experience, relationships are hard work. It can be a struggle to always think about someone else’s needs and consider them as important as your own.

Finally, nothing can emphasize enough the importance of overlooking minor slips and unintentional mistakes on either part.