How Early Is Too Early to Tell Your Child About Sex?

Experts, of which I am supposedly one, will tell you to give children information about sex as they ask you. My degree and some of my experience agrees. Except, children are going to ask you waaaay earlier than you expect, and in much more graphic detail.

Here’s how I know

My son was between two and three years old, when he was playing next to me on the couch while I watched TV. I don’t remember the show, or that it was overtly sexual, but there was one scene.

One subtle scene, or so I thought, of a man taking off the woman’s panties as a prelude to sex. However, all you could see was him fully dressed, her lower legs, and the panties sliding down her calves. No frontal nudity, no panting or dirty language. I don’t know what happened next, because my child looked up from his toy and asked,

“Why is that daddy taking off that mommy’s panties?”

You better believe I hit that remote off button so fast. SO FAST. I think I answered,

“I don’t know sweetheart. Let’s watch something else.”

And quickly found a child friendly show. Yeah, I chickened out. Tell me you wouldn’t.

Ongoing questions too early — for the parent

At the beginning of first grade, when he had just turned six years old in August, he and a friend came to my office to see me. They didn’t have to travel far, as I was their school counselor.

Before this, I had read a book to my son about two people who love each other, and are married, deciding to have a baby. Never mind that I didn’t marry his dad, he didn’t need to know that yet. I did tell him his dad and I had loved each other and decided together to have him.

I don’t remember the name of the book, but it was age-appropriate, and mild, while still providing some basic information for young children. The book gave the basics with no graphic details. I thought we were good until puberty.

I was wrong.

The two boys entered my office shyly. His friend pushed my son forward, whispering,

“Ask her!”

My son shuffled his feet, then asked,

“Mom, what does sucking a penis mean?”

Yes, we used the actual anatomically correct words in our home. Which I was now regretting. Although the alternative words were worse, maybe I could have pretended a “dick” was something else.

When I remembered to breathe, I took a couple of big gulps of air, and recovered enough to ask,

“Why do you want to know?”

Sue me, it was the best I could come up with at the time. You may think you’re prepared for these questions from a barely six-year-old, but I assure you, you are not.

He answered,

“A girl in our class asked me and him if we would let girls suck our (whispered) penises when we grow up. What does she mean?”

After first determining which little girl, because I had plans for her and her mother later, I tried to give a calm, rational answer. I had to think how to do that in a way that the other boy’s mother wouldn’t freak out. Fortunately, she and I were friends, so I had some idea of how to proceed.

“Well,” I began, hoping some wiser me would come up with something, and fast,

“When two grown-ups are in love, they might sometimes do this before they try to have a baby.”

Wiser me had not shown up.

Yeah, YOU try to explain fellatio to six-year-olds and see how well you do. I’ll wait.

I went on,

“But you don’t ever have to do this if you don’t want to, and definitely not until you are a grown-up.”

The boys looked relieved. They had been genuinely worried. They then looked at one another, and in some silent boy agreement, ran out of my office to the playground to run and yell and play. Sex concerns put aside for now, for the remainder of recess at least. I hoped longer. Much longer.

I was left with what to do about the little girl. I put on my best therapist face, and went to get her from class. I gently told her what the boys said, and asked if it was true. She blithely answered yes.

I then asked where she had heard about this subject. Again, she innocently answered,

“I hear my mom talk about it with her friends on the phone.”

Ah ha! A place to begin.

I told her that her (single) mom was talking about grown-up things that little girls were too young to hear. I asked if she knew what it meant, and she said no. After some more gentle questioning, I was reassured she had only overheard it.

I let her know she wasn’t in trouble, but that she needed to keep what she hears to herself. I explained, much more sternly, that some parents (ME) didn’t want our children to hear such things yet. I might have been a little too stern.

Finally, I put in a call to her mom, and was a LOT more stern.

The mom said she had no idea her daughter was listening to her phone calls. I assured her that the child was not only listening, but spreading that information around the class. Mom promised to do better.

As far as I know, my son and his friend did not experience blow jobs for what I hope was a very long time.

More good news, when that girl was in high school, she messaged me on Facebook, thanking me for everything I had done for her when she was in elementary school. Sweet child.

Even if she had traumatized me and my son and his friend. Or maybe it was just me.

Age ten is way too late to tell kids about sex

Five short years later, I had to answer one more question I wasn’t ready for.

My son came home from fifth -grade one afternoon, looking like he was in shock. I asked what was going on, and he said some guys at school asked him if he eats pussy. They had apparently made it sound like cannibalism, and he was horrified.

HOLY TMI, here we go again. Maybe this is the place to tell you that my son is a whole year younger than everyone else in his grade. I didn’t quite think that through when I started him in kindergarten.

He was old enough that I thought a more direct answer was in order. I reminded him of when he was six and asked about girls sucking penises. I said this was the same, and explained oral sex.

I have PTSD thinking about it now. But I had always sworn I would answer every sex question honestly and directly, with the correct language. SIGH.

Since I had always encouraged him to ask, and never made him feel weird, he felt free to come tell me what kids said, and ask what it means right away.

Again, at age ten, he showed relief at learning the real meaning of eating pussy. Wouldn’t you?

As for me, I will be forever traumatized.

Here you go,

Claire Franky

. You’ve been warned. And now my son will never forgive me for writing this. Luckily, he doesn’t read me.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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