Jordan Gray says that there is more to you than the side that you present to your grandparents.
It is a very confusing time to be a man.
As a child, many ideas of what it means to be a man were thrust upon you. Things, that you are now realizing, don’t really fit into living a well rounded, fulfilling life. Like… being an emotionless robot, for example.
And this is a great thing. With the rise of feminism picking up steam, more men are able to empathize with the issues women are facing on a daily basis. They’re able to assess and adjust their own actions, to question their preconditioned ideas of how women should be treated and to be part of the movement to create equality and harmony between the sexes.
But, a lot of men are taking this to the extreme and completely rejecting their own masculine energy in favour of a safer, more repressed version of their sexual energy.
I can understand why.
Masculine sexual energy can be aggressive and seemingly uncontrollable. Mix that with the feeling of guilt from the atrocities committed against women, and it’s easy to understand why you would want to shove those feelings into a deep dark corner of your soul.
But anything we repress is bound to return in an unhealthy fashion.
The trick is to understand and accept both the light and dark side of your sexuality and to be able to tap into either, whenever you see fit.
Not to mention, that aggressive, dark, “I-want-you-now” part of your sexuality can be a major turn on to your partner.
We’ve been taught to encompass only a small percentage of our sexual selves. So it can be a bit of a process to coax that energy back out of you. You can’t go from 0 – 100, after years of ignoring that part of yourself.
But there are a few ways to start small and begin to “unleash the beast,” as it were…
An easy way to get back in touch with your raw, masculine energy is to increase your testosterone levels, naturally, through working out, playing sports, and getting those natural mood-boosting chemicals flowing in your body again.
I’m not much of an organized sports kind of guy, but the competitive nature of playing soccer with a group of friends is a great way to align yourself with your long lost warrior side. The testosterone from the energy exerted, mixed with our inborn competitive edge is a great way to kickstart that darker, primal part of you.
For those of you who (like me), never really embraced that inner jock; lifting weights or any sort of strength training is a fantastic way of reconnecting with that animalistic energy.
Start integrating a work-out regime into your life, if you haven’t already. For those of you who do already have a regular regime, start paying attention to that darker energy you feel when you’re lifting those heavy weights, or destroying another team on the court… acknowledge and embrace that feeling.
Get to Know Your Fantasies
What do you think about, right before you orgasm?
This is the key to your dark sexual fantasies.
No one is thinking about meeting a lovely girl and watching her walk down the aisle 30 seconds before they climax. Well, I don’t want to say no one…
But, for most of us, the least politically correct parts of our brain take over in that lead up to orgasm. And whatever they may be, could be insight into your darker edge.
Now, a fantasy is a fantasy, and just because you may think it’s hot to think about having sex in an arena of thousands of people, while they cheer you on… doesn’t necessarily mean it would work in practice (or be very fun). But maybe that could give you a clue that you might be into having sex in public places (legally). And perhaps you and your partner could start out small by having sex in the car (not easy) close to somewhere public (please know the laws of your city before attempting). Or if a car is too much for your current comfort zone, you can always go to a play party where people are all voluntarily attending.
The next step is to discuss your fantasies with your partner, or to journal about them. The idea is to get them out of your brain and into the world. Express, not repress.
This is where cultivating a supportive and non-judgmental environment is important. You and your partner should be able to tell each other your fantasies without fear of the other person’s rejection. But, keep in mind, your partner should be open to whatever you tell them, but is in no way obligated to play out your fantasy.
The point is to normalize these thoughts that you may have been repressing for a long time. Once they are said out loud or put to page, they have less power over your psyche.
Engage in Sexual Power Play
This is, by far, the easiest (and most fun) way to tap into your sexual dark side.
Once you’ve acquainted yourself with what your sexual beast feels like; you can start to integrate it into your sex life.
Discuss this with your partner prior to, if you think it may come as a surprise.
Start out with a very light dominant/submissive role play. Take the lead in the bedroom. You can even dabble in light bondage. Use your necktie to fasten her to the headboard. Let her know that you’ll be calling the shots that evening and create a safe word, if you think you might need one.
The instant polarizing sexual energies will kick your dark masculine into gear and the opposite spectrum, she may find that it kicks her feminine energy into gear. Letting go can be extremely empowering for women, which is why playing the opposites can be such a huge turn on.
Starting to implement these strategies will breathe new life into your sexuality. And, on a more important level, it will make you feel like more of yourself.
We aren’t meant to pick and choose the publicly palatable parts of our personalities to make everyone more comfortable.
Embrace all the pieces of yourself. Even the scarier parts. Don’t be an asshole. Don’t make people uncomfortable. But, accept that there is more to you than the PC version of yourself that you present to your grandparents.
You won’t consistently inhabit your light and dark side together, all the time. You’ll jump from light to dark. But they are both there within you and they are both completely valid.
If you enjoyed this article, then they’ll love reading:
You can read more of Jordan’s best writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com
This post is republished on Medium.
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