How Fear Paralyzes Me

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The answer to the above question is absolutely, yes. I know because I live it many days of my life.

I work from home because as a person with Asperger’s Syndrome, a form of high-functioning autism, social anxiety disorder, ADD and some depression and regular, old-fashioned anxiety, it’s really the best thing for everyone.

Eighteen months ago I moved from the hustle and bustle of LA/OC and planted myself in a log cabin in a small-ish community in the Ozarks. The move helped cut down on sensory overload and being near two lakes has been relaxing, when I actually take advantage of it.

One thing I didn’t get rid of when I moved is this paralyzing fear of doing pretty much anything productive. I know this fear has a lot to do with a huge amount of self-doubt and the logic that, “If I’m not going to be able to do it my best, why bother, because it will only suck and I’ll have to re-do it.”

Note that I didn’t say it was “logical” but rather logic. That’s how the brain of an autistic person tends to work. We’re typically logical thinkers, yet out of the box. Yeah, it’s a strange combo.

Here we are six paragraphs in and I have yet to identify the fear. That’s because I’ve been trying to identify it the better part of my adult life and have no answers. The guy on the spectrum with a high IQ who, in theory, would be able to figure this one out, can’t

When I think about not being able to identify the problem, I get frustrated and the cycle continues. I get down on myself and my self-esteem drops, which leads to being afraid I can’t do my best, which leads to the last three days.

The past three days actually, almost four, I’ve had a literal fear of going into my office. I know I need to write. I know I have other projects to work on as well, but I can’t make myself get in there, put my butt in my chair and start typing.

Twice over the past three days, I actually got my @$$ in the chair but couldn’t get past CNN.com and couldn’t force myself to open Word. What’s so hard about opening Word? NOTHING is hard about opening Word, but I couldn’t do it.

I have words for myself when I get to feeling this way. Stupid, idiot, and dumb are the top three , but phrases like, “Seriously? Why can’t you figure this crap out?” Also come to mind.

I was so unproductive the past three days that I’m beyond embarrassed to even type it. Why do I get his way sometimes and why can’t I figure it out? Why can’t my doctors figure it out? The one that gives me pills says to talk it out with the other one, but he says I just need to believe in myself.

Great idea. How?

So here I sit at my desk for the first time in nearly four days. I have so much writing and editing to do that I could stay busy for the next straight forty-eight hours, but I’ll settle for finishing this piece and maybe one more before seeing how I feel

As I continue to type I feel that some of the shakiness is going away and my heart, though still beating faster than normal, is slowing down some. But that still doesn’t answer the question of how that fear paralyzes e and why it’s there in the first place.

This is a question I may get answered in two weeks or I may never get an answer. Until I get that answer, if I get that answer, I’ll keep fighting this fear that stops me in my tracks and keeps me from being the best me that I can be.

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Photo credit: Photo courtesy Pixabay
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