How I Avoided a Fight With My Husband by Being Vulnerable

My daughter and I have this routine where we make muffins together every weekend while my husband does open houses.

Recently, we were having breakfast when I mentioned to him that I was going to focus more on making bread.

He says,

All of a sudden, a wave of hurt feelings come rushing into me.

So I bark,

He’s dumbfounded and starts to explain the practical reasons for not making too much bread in case it goes bad and we’d have to throw it out.

I take a deep breath and a moment for myself to reflect.

Growing up, my mom showed her love towards my sisters and me through food. She would take a lot of time thinking about the best dishes to make for us.

I loved the tofu dishes. My middle sister loved eggs. My oldest sister loved potatoes and chicken.

She’d get creative in the kitchen and test out new recipes she’d seen on TV or read in the Chinese newspaper.

And many times, my dad would tell her,

My mom would get upset but instead of saying how she was feeling, she would retort back,

But I didn’t want to say that to my husband. I wanted to change the way we communicate with each other in front of my daughter.

Instead of having a fight and building resentment towards him, I told him this story. He tells me how he understands why I initially reacted that way and why his words hurt my feelings.

I understood myself more and he got to be part of that thought process.

Take a moment when you get a trigger moment where you feel annoyed, angry or hurt.

Think it through.

Take a deep breath and ask yourself why?

What is it about those words specifically that makes me react this way?

What are my values?

Which ones are this person pinching?

Then communicate that to the person, focusing on YOUR feelings and YOUR story.