It was Christmas day in 2018, when she broke up with me. I remember it clearly; the conversation took place over facetime. There was no drama, we both knew it was coming, and we both wanted it. Once the call ended, I was able to breathe easily. It felt like the breakup had lifted a weight off my shoulders. This weight was the consequence of my own weakness, a constant fight between my perceived love for her, i.e. the heart and my logical doubts, i.e. the brain.
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The beginning
I had known her (let’s call her Anjali) for two years before anything started; we were both working on our doctoral thesis. We used to work in the same physical space, but not together. Another colleague of ours (let’s call him Rohit) always surrounded her; I always thought they were together. In the summer of 2018, we all went to a conference in London. Stars aligned, me and Anjali started hanging out, and sparks flew. Indeed, Rohit did not appreciate. He started acting like a jealous and possessive boyfriend, pushing her even further away. We spent a lot of time during that week, and our conversations went on forever.
We came back to Newcastle, and things went back to normal, Rohit surrounding Anjali and me keeping my distance from both. However, Anjali and I just could not stop talking and texting. She would usually start the conversations, one thing led to another, and we started seeing each other. Things between us became super intense. She would text me regularly, and we would spend time with each other every day. This went on for about a month.
Meanwhile, Rohit disappeared from the workplace, and he would commonly work from home instead of being around us. A few weeks in, she told me that she loved me. I was beginning to like her a lot. A few months after the breakup, I read about this phase. This period is called ‘love bombing’. The narcissist is getting you hooked onto themselves, like a drug — without you even realising. All I could think was how lucky I am to be with such a fantastic person.
Pro tip — if it’s too good to be true, then it probably is.
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The doubts
Anjali left for holidays a month after we came back from London. She went back home for three weeks. We talked every day; this was when things started to unravel. Once, she claimed that she ran into a male acquaintance, by complete coincidence in a city of a few million people. They ended up having dinner together that night. My logical brain told me this is impossible; what are the odds of her randomly running into an acquaintance? However, my emotional side had different ideas — How can you question the loyalty of someone who is so much in love with you?
I tried to ignore this blip and move on. However, the seeds of doubt had been sown, I could not trust her again. I gave her the benefit of the doubt (I know — so weak) and moved on as if nothing happened. We talked normally for the rest of her trip. However, once she returned, she told me about other problems at home, and she needed to get some space from me to resolve her feelings. I saw this action as an exit strategy, i.e. need some distance is the prelude to no more dating! Interestingly, Rohit started working from the office. Coincidence?
I proceeded to keep my distance from Anjali for the next few days. Emotionally, I was always hoping for her to start a conversation. It was like trying to withdraw from drugs. Eventually, she started talking— wanting an explanation for my distance. As always, one conversation led to another and before I knew, things went back to normal — and Rohit disappeared, again! The next few weeks were great, and then we had a fight. We did not talk for the next few days. Once I walked into the office and saw that Rohit was back. I thought in my head, if he is here, then Anjali must be coming in too. I turned around, and there she was. Now that’s a shocker! Do you see the pattern?
Rohit was on the hook for her, a safety net. He was someone she had claimed made her very uncomfortable through his jealous behaviour. However, she needed him as much (if not more), his pursuit gave her a sense of self worth.
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The beginning of the end
I was amazed at how angry I felt. It was a realisation that while I had doubts about Anjali, emotionally — I was in love with her. I confronted her that day, and we talked, there was a lot of drama. She claimed that her family wanted her to get married to someone else; she had been trying to decide if she wants to wed the other guy or me. I thought (and said) — marriage after three months of dating? How long had she known about the other guy? It was becoming clear to me; I was in love with someone unpredictable, unreliable and unstable. We broke up a few days later.
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What I learned
There are two main lessons I learned. First — being with a narcissist is like being on a roller coaster, the highs are incredible. The lows might drive even the most logical person crazy. Second — never trust a narcissist. I could not trust her, which induced this internal battle between logic and emotion. Here is my conclusion, if there is the slightest doubt about the other person, then it is best to cut your losses. Once trust is lost, that’s it. Another critical aspect to consider about a narcissist — they always come back. A narcissist is insecure; they like the idea of having as many options as possible. They will always try to test your resolve, just like drugs. Remember Rohit? She always kept him on the hook (more precisely — he kept himself on the hook). The only time a narcissist will not return — if they know their cover has been blown. Good luck, and please eliminate any toxic people from your life.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: Josiah Lewis on Unsplash