A few weeks ago I told a person I have a crush on how I feel about them. My partner, with whom I am in a polyamorous relationship pestered, sorry, encouraged me to tell them, and with their support, I decided to do so. I’ve had a crush on them for a long time, but there were a variety of factors keeping me from telling them. One of the biggest factors was that this person is asexual.
I thought that if I told them I was attracted to them, I would be crossing some boundary or invalidating their sexuality, like a man telling a lesbian he has a crush on her and expecting her to reciprocate. I even told them that I was sorry if it made them feel weird, that there was no obligation to respond if they were not into it, and that they would still be cool to me anyway. I wanted to puke and hide under some covers after.
They told me that it was okay, they have a crush on me too, they’re just really shy. They said that this was a pleasant surprise. I told them I was shy too and showed them the screenshot of the conversation I had with my partner about the crush, wherein my partner asked me if I had slid into those DMs, and jokingly threatened to tell them for me.
The person I’m crushing on said that it was unexpected and that this had brought their night from a 2 to a 10.5. They said they hoped they didn’t give me anxiety with the delayed response since they were at work and that they had always felt bad for flaking out on me a few years ago when I offered to hang out with them because they had social anxiety and didn’t know what to do. I could relate.
Now that our feelings were kind of on the same page, the question remains, what do we do from here? They made a joke about how thwomp sounds are going to be the future of sex appeal (it was a weird conversation) and I responded that the hilarity of the noise would ease the awkwardness of sex.
They told me they were glad I described sex as awkward because they felt that, since the last time they had sex they felt so awkward and that’s partially how they realized they are gray/ace, or demi, they aren’t sure.
This made me wonder if, as an ace, could this person still have sex. I am willing to embark on a relationship with them without sex, but it would still be nice to know what the expectations are. So I looked it up. I learned that some asexual people do have sex.
There are numerous reasons why they might decide to, but a common one is to please their romantic partner. I also learned that many ace people actually do have romantic feelings for other people, go on dates, and have romantic relationships.
Many ace people actually do have romantic feelings for other people, go on dates, and have romantic relationships.
They also don’t typically have an aversion to sex or depictions of sex, which is known as being sex-repulsed and does not always overlap with asexuality, ace people simply don’t feel sexual attraction.
Asexuality is also a spectrum, which explains why this person is uncertain about what their specific sexual orientation is. There is asexual, and aromantic, the latter of which means one does not experience romantic feelings toward others.
There is also grey-asexual, people who identify with this label do not normally experience attraction but do sometimes, or they do experience attraction but have a low sex drive, or they can enjoy and desire sex or romantic relationships but under very limited and specific circumstances.
Demisexual people do not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection to someone. This works off of the ideas of primary attraction, attraction to people based on first impressions, such as appearance or how they smell, and secondary attraction, attraction to people that develops over time, and forms out of the relationship one has with a person, and their emotional connection. People who are demisexual do not experience primary attraction but do feel secondary attraction to others.
People who are demisexual do not experience primary attraction but do feel secondary attraction to others.
I told them I enjoy sex (sometimes) but it is awkward, and I often need to drink before I can get comfortable enough to get into it and I do not initiate. They responded that it can be pleasurable and that they are not one to initiate either but their libido is low anyway. They said that they like being able to please others though, which is in line with the idea that asexual people have sex to please their partner.
This gives me some hope, as I do like the idea of having sex with them but I am also nervous about violating any boundaries or making them uncomfortable.
To be clear, even if we don’t have sex, I would still want to explore a relationship with them. Asexual folks face much more discrimination and higher rates of mental health issues than allosexual people, people who experience sexual attraction. But they are people and they are valid, and they do deserve love and companionship. They deserve to be understood, whether as a romantic partner or a friend.
They are people and they are valid, and they do deserve love and companionship. They deserve to be understood, whether as a romantic partner and a friend.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Katie Rainbow
