How Long Does It Actually Take to Get Over Someone? What Science Says

Breakups can be extremely painful. It can mean weeks — or even months — of crying in the shower while listening to Taylor Swift or Morgan Wallen songs on repeat. The lack of “good morning” and “good night” texts can leave us checking our phones non-stop, secretly hoping a text will come. And there’s a lonely feeling that we experience on the nights we would have spent with them.

Once some time has passed, our friends and family expect us to be over it. We might even find ourselves getting frustrated by the process and wondering when we’ll actually move on.

But even though it might feel like it’s taking too long to get over your ex, your healing might be right where it’s supposed to be. Here’s how long it actually takes to get over someone, according to science.

Breakups Can Feel Like Withdrawal to Our Brains

A lot of songs compare love to a drug — and for good reason. Research has found that love can feel as addicting as cocaine. One study published in The Journal of Neurophysiology found that people who were recently dumped had similar results in brain scans as addicts who had been cut off from a drug.

What this means is that when we’re going through a breakup, we’re not only trying to get over someone. We’re actually in withdrawal.

The 3-Month Rule is Nothing More Than a Myth

You’ve probably heard that it’s supposed to take three months to recover from any breakup. Three months of eating Ben & Jerry’s, a hair color change, and a rebound fling later and you’ll be on your way to healing that broken heart!

Even though it would be nice if we could all bounce from a breakup that fast, the 3-month rule is nothing more than a myth.

Where does it all stem from? There was a small study published in the Journal of Positive Psychology back in 2007 that measured how 155 undergraduates took to feel better after a breakup. While 71% of participants began feeling better around 11 weeks (nearly 3 months), other individuals took longer. This was especially the case if the relationship was long-term or serious, and if it ended abruptly.

Emotional Detachment Can Take Longer

Have you ever noticed that hearing your ex’s name brings back memories or that a song can take you back — even after a lot of time has passed? If you still feel some sense of emotional attachment to your partner months or even years after a breakup, it’s important to note that this is completely normal.

According to Psychology Today, the average person takes 8 years for emotional detachment to occur — but some can take even longer than that. In fact, the study found that some never completely get over their ex.

So, How Long Does It Take to Move On?

The real answer is that no one knows for sure. There’s no one-size-fits-all universal timeline for moving on. But here’s what studies (and therapists) do believe about the following timelines:

Around 3 months, the majority of people will begin to feel better.
At 6 months, most people will begin to have a sense of independence and identity again.
At the 1 year mark, the remaining emotions begin to fade away.

But again, no one’s healing journey is the same — and healing itself isn’t linear. You might think you’re over it and then hear a song or watch a movie that absolutely wrecks you. It doesn’t mean that you’re starting over; it’s all a part of the healing process.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.