How Radical Non-Interference Makes Our Relationship Feel So Peaceful

MAUDE: I’m going to give you an update on the birthday plans I shared in July of 2025. You might be wondering what that has to do with peaceful relationships. Well, my experiences around this have given me lots of insights into just that. The most recent one was really unexpected, but before I get into that, let’s back up and review what my plans actually are (Yes, this is still going on and will be well through my next birthday. I gave everyone lots of time to plan and suggest things.) Here’s a quote from the original post explaining:

I’m coming up on a big birthday, and it has invoked lots of thoughts of what I want to emphasize this coming year of my life. And, no surprise for those of you who know me and follow us, I find the issue most important to me is finding and creating peace within me and within my deepest relationships. The word for this year is relationships, and so I’ve created a project to run this thread throughout my year. I have begun talking with the people with whom I have my deepest relationships: friends, relatives, extended family, and my beloved, Phil. I am proposing to each person that we take some time during this next year, from now through my birthday next year, to spend some quality one-on-one time with each other. How, what and where are not important to me. What is important is that we spend the time, attention and awareness of experiencing our relationship together. No matter where we are or what we are doing, what we will be doing is stepping out of daily life just a bit to concentrate on the immediate and present experience of being together.

When I told my brother my idea, he talked with his wife, and they suggested taking me on a cruise. She goes on a lot of them with a group of her friends and gets comps to invite other people. Well, I’m not really much of a cruise person; I’m not a foodie, and I don’t like long trips out on the ocean. The first time I went to Europe, I took a small student ship, and it took ten days. That pretty much did it for me and my interest in ocean travel (Not seasick, just bored.) Well, they did a lot of research and came up with a cruise around Japan. We fly to Tokyo and get on the cruise liner, getting off each day to tour different Japanese cities. I’ve done a lot of traveling, but Japan was one of the few places on my bucket list.

We leave on May 13th to start that amazing journey. I should get a lot of alone time with my brother, along with lots of other great experiences. And here’s where today’s topic comes in. Almost every time I tell people I’m leaving soon for Japan, they ask, “ Isn’t Phil coming? “ or some version of that question. I understand why they ask. Phil and I are married, and we live together. It is probably somewhat natural for them to ask that question.

The part that rang bells in my head and started me reflecting was that it had never occurred to me to think about it that way. This whole event is part of an adventure I am having with a wide array of people, and with and for myself. It basically has nothing to do with Phil. It definitely affects our daily life in many ways: different shopping before, writing posts in advance, each having different activities for a few weeks, Phil covering things at the house alone, and no doubt others we haven’t thought of yet.

What it doesn’t seem to impinge on is our relationship. We are deeply connected, and that does not change when we are not in each other’s physical presence. Like many of my deep relationships, it exists in my heart and within me always. We are always connected and individual. Neither of us ever encroaches on the sanctity of the other’s beingness. We are there to support, encourage, love, and cherish, but not to invade each other’s separate and unique path. It’s a fundamental way of interacting that is a part of all my deep relationships, and it is one of the basic things all peaceful ones have in common. It does not have to be spoken, but it does have to be lived.

PHIL: To write these posts, we hang out at night and jam on how we are and what we’ve been doing, and try to describe our connection in ways that we haven’t used before. It’s difficult because how we are is a sense before it becomes words. When we’re lucky, we come up with a description that goes beyond our common portrayal as peaceful and uses other words. Last night’s conversation went into an area that we don’t find other people writing about, so you might find it esoteric. I’ll put it out here in the hope that you might have a brief glimpse of what is possible.

It started with the fact that Maude is going on a 2-week cruise with her brother and sister-in-law, and when she described this to other people, they all assumed I would be going, too. Nothing like that even crossed our minds. That is her trip, and it’s not my style at all. This led to a conversation about the peculiar sense we have of both being completely autonomous and also connected in a very deep way. Maude’s trip is a good example of how we act independently: why should I want to step in? I’m lazy; I don’t want to put any energy into interfering with that. Yes, I’m joking slightly.

The reason this is so weird is that people generally think of things as one way or the other: the jug is empty or full or maybe half-full, but it can’t be empty and full at the same time. With us, the contradiction does not exist; we are separate and connected both at once. Maybe this is a language thing; language chops the world up into this and not-this, but raw experience doesn’t have that constraint; the world can be one and many at the same time.

We have this sense of being together and also each being our individual selves, an experience of being given space to be and do whatever comes up without criticism. It is very liberating. It means that I can be myself. I can speak (or not) about what is happening with me, about what my world is, and have that heard and received without any push-back. That is powerful. I do not have to self-censor; there is no cost to speaking. A childhood of family politenesses and a lifetime of wearing a persona (as we all do) made this unfamiliar territory, and I am still hesitant at times. Starting this can also lead to a dialogue, a reflection back that allows the topic to be explored and refined, and this is how the connection between us occurs, even as I am retaining, exploring, and deepening my sense of self. I don’t want to imply that the connection is only verbal. Touch, comfort, sex, and shared pleasures also make up the connection.

So this might all seem a little foreign to you. It’s the opposite of codependence. I think that arises naturally, because we all have the need for connection with others, but it can come with a loss of the self, and finding or retaining the sense of who you are is, paradoxically, how you create a strong relationship.

Here are some posts we’ve written on being both separate and together at the same time.

How To Respect Each Other’s Separateness While Being Together “For Phil and me, one part of expressing that is respecting the other person’s separate life; their individual wants and needs, thoughts and feelings, comings and goings. I don’t try to alter him to be more like me, to see or do things the way I do. As we mentioned last week, we do look for mutuality of action, seeking to find something that fits what both of us want or need. And we find rich abundance in the differences we each bring, as well as being strengthened by the similarities. This peaceful way of interacting is also a matter of respect for the other person; a respect that has to be applied in any relationship: romantic ones, friendships, and family relations. All these connections are improved when you honor each other in this way. It requires that you don’t try to make the other person into your image of them. Don’t trespass inside them.”

The We That Exists With the Separate Self “The world seems filled with darkness these days, and yet, the light shines brighter through our very real connections to each other. It radiates forth and has greater strength than any transitory, no matter how horrible, aberrations. Phil and I share these weekly posts to add to that light by writing of the beauty and potential of peaceful relationships. We have been reflecting on an element of that sweet peace that we enjoy. Perhaps you can recognize some version of it in your relationships, or find a path toward it. Our wish is to spread the calm, loving presence of that peace. Phil and I each take care of our own inner self, making sure we are as whole as we can manage. We support each other in this ongoing practice. There is no sense of invasion of my person by Phil, or vice versa. Nor is there a bleed-over: a space where part of me is him, or taken up by him. And yet, at the same time that we both feel complete within ourselves, we are fully with each other. There is an us, a we, that has a total existence, but in no way impinges upon, nor overlaps onto my separate self. This seems somewhat impossible, but it is so.”

How to Be Both Together and Separate in Your Relationship “The key to this is the ABC of Acceptance, Balance and Communication.
Acceptance
For this sort of mutuality to exist there must be a kind of total acceptance, in which each partner rests secure in the other. When this acceptance is present you can rest in the knowledge that you will not be judged, attacked or manipulated. You know in fact that you will be celebrated and appreciated for who you are. This acceptance eliminates any fear of disapproval or any threat of withdrawal of affections. It offers support for your explorations of yourself and your path without any worries about agreement or explanations. One of the things that we marvel at is that although we both pursue our individual lives and their separate expression, we never feel disconnected or estranged. We have forged such a deep bond through this experience of support and trust, that it goes with us everywhere, whether we are physically in the same place or not.
Balance
A critical part of achieving this type of loving flow between together and apart is to reach a balance of these states. Pay attention to the balance between your need to find your own destiny and the need for connection. This will be different for each partnership and will change over time as well. This is part of the grand adventure of living this type of love: keep redefining your time together, evaluate each of your needs in the present, and honor your bond with time and attention. Take time to be together no matter how busy you become in your private journey. Take time to be apart no matter how enticing that shared intimacy is.
Communication
The way to avoid getting lost in either part of this balance between self and union is to stay in the present together and communicate what is happening. Offer your partner both the freedom to fly and the security of connection. The simple act of talking with each other regularly will eliminate many an avoidable misunderstanding. Never take your partner for granted because things are so good between you that you instead put your mind to what isn’t working in your life. This is a mistake that we can all make too easily. Rejoice in your relationship and let it be your nourishment for all the mountains you need to climb in your personal work. Me’, ‘you’ and ‘us’ are all parts of a successful relationship. Foster all the parts and the whole will be a bastion of renewal and life force.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.