I am writing this from a mother’s point of view, but after 5 years of being a mother, I am fairly certain I have learned how damaging these words can be. Not just from my perspective, but from my fiance’s perspective and the mouths of babes.
I’ve made the mistake of using the words myself, starting with my now 5-year-old son, it only took me until now to realize how damaging using this train of thought, this type of “disciplinary action”, if you will, actually is. And I’ve come to realize that because now my oldest son has a voice. He has his own mind, his own thoughts. Children usually always do. Starting as soon as they begin to talk, they begin to tell you exactly what they want and need, but now we are moving into expressing our feelings, and some days, I feel like I have damaged my children and my fiancé’s relationship by trying to use “the big guns” when my children are defiant to me or have an argument against my word.
“Mommy, no! Please don’t call daddy!”
We, as parents, are still only human. Sometimes, we are at our wit’s end. Can’t take a single back talk more for the day. I have had days where my children have been so overwhelming with constant fighting and not listening to a word I have to say that I am on the verge of a breakdown with them.
Enter daddy.
I never really thought about it. My fiance is who I lean on, he’s the one that is there for all of my achievements, all my downfalls, every single up and down in life. I tell him everything under the sun, including when I need a moment to breathe and have him step in to discipline the kids, but as I’ve come to find out recently, that became my crutch, and it is hindering the light my kids see daddy in.
We had an incident recently, my 5-year-old was constantly using the bathroom on himself. We aren’t the spanking type of parents unless it is seriously warranted, which is few and far in between. We have found our kids respond better to punishment, they learn something from it. Spanking only leads to more tears and anger from my children than anything. So, we did what we thought was the best consequences and took his prize possession away for a couple of days, his tv.
Now, this is when I’ve gotten the biggest slap in the face as a parent. My son came into the kitchen one night and he said “mommy, I didn’t have an accident the last few days, I have been going to the bathroom like you and daddy said, can I have my TV back now?” In which I replied, “That’s something that you need to ask your daddy, as he is the one who took the TV, not me.” *Insert Crocodile Tears* My first reaction was, “Why are you crying? I didn’t say you couldn’t, just that you had to talk to daddy.” He then proceeded to tell me, “but I want you to talk to daddy because I’m scared I’ll get in trouble.”. At that moment, I was broken.
Why did that hit me so hard? It was because I always use daddy for discipline and now my son is scared to talk to his daddy, and he shouldn’t ever be scared of either one of us. It’s come about in conversation with both my 3-year-old and 5-year-old just telling me one day, “Mommy, you’re so much fun. Daddy is just mean. He always punishes us.” That is absolutely not the picture I want my kids to paint their daddy in. But, I’ve been the one to use him as the disciplinary, I held the paint for that picture, and the kids’ opinion on their daddy has followed that lead.
“You need to correct them, Cait. I’m tired of being just the bad guy in their eyes.”
As we were laying in bed one night, I heard the children in their room saying something along the lines of, “Okay, I’ll spit it on you next.”. Immediately, I look over at my fiance with my “They’re doing something they shouldn’t be, go fix it.” look. As I did that, I got that response from my fiance.
Now, I am the type of person that words linger in my head that didn’t feel right in my heart. I take those words and I seriously think about them. So, my brain began to wonder. He’s not wrong, the kids always relate daddy to the bad guy. Not the fun one they want to play with. My kids automatically come to my side of the bed or to me for affection. And it’s not because I am their mother, it’s because, over the years of me threatening my children with daddy, they have become accustomed to him being the bad guy. The one always disciplining. Not the one they want a hug or a kiss from and I know how bad that affects him.
He’s their daddy and he loves them with every fiber of his being, just as I do. They make his world spin around. He spends every moment making a life for them to continue to have all of their hearts desires. When he comes home, he’s not wanting the kids to reject his request for hugs and kisses and I don’t want that for any of them, daddy included.
My Dad Was The Disciplinary, Too
As children growing up in my household, my dad was the disciplinarian for us, too. I remember always wanting to hang out with my mother, without him. I really didn’t want him to be in the house, because he was always the one to get onto us for anything that we did wrong. It painted that picture for me and my sisters, too.
I couldn’t see him in another light until I got older. I felt like he sucked the fun out of everything.
Now that I have grown up and had children of my own, I completely understand it. My dad always tried to do the same thing. He wanted to take us out to do things, and it was disheartening for him when we dreaded going because he wasn’t our favorite parent. We didn’t want to sit with him for a car ride, we wanted nothing more but to just be with our mom because we had more fun that way.
It was natural to me that daddy does the hard things that I don’t want to do. When my kids aren’t listening it was easier just to say, “Please tell them no.”, “Please go deal with them.” and maybe it was for my mom, too.
When my dad would say no to my request, I’d just go ask my mom. And I’m sure that was infuriating for him and I am seeing the same pattern with my children.
My dad and I have a great relationship now, I actually am always calling him for his opinion on things, or calling him to vent. He’s always there. I’ve learned now that it’s not because he wasn’t when I was little. My dad wasn’t absent. I just painted him in the light of the “mean dad”.
Make The Change
This is something that I am working hard to change. It only took me 5 years, because old habits die hard. My fiance has never done anything wrong to my children, he is just the one that his say is final, mommy can be persuaded. Mommy says yes almost always, and if I don’t say yes the first time, I will because I am tired of the same request on repeat. Daddy does not waver and my kids don’t like the word “No.”.
Don’t make the same mistake.
You are partners in this parenting journey, and just as you make joint decisions about what toy to get your children, what their bedtime is, what food to fill the house with, you must also be making joint decisions on your children’s request. You need to be the one to correct bad behavior or bad decisions your children have made to spit water all over each other in their room at 9 o’clock at night. You must be the one to take the TV away as punishment.
Don’t threaten your kids with daddy. He doesn’t deserve it.
—
Previously published on medium
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: on iStock
