Not beating your woman, but wish you could?
If you’d like to avoid the stigma that goes with abusing your family members, while still reaping the benefits of being king of your domain, check out this modern approach to manhood. Here, we borrow some tips from the power and control wheel of domestic violence, and skipping the outright felonious steps, you, too, can skirt the law, look like a badass, and dish it out like the men of old. Like James Bond! What’s more, it doesn’t matter if you’re whiny and unattractive: men who abuse their wives and girlfriends get the respect and favor that goes along with being a man, automatically, and so can you.
This is domestic abuse for the 21st century, in nine easy steps. Little effort required! No more swinging a thumb’s thickness of hickory for you! We’re modern men, with traditional values. And no more pesky, telltale bruises to show how you whip your household into shape to serve you better. Take that, Double-Oh-Seven!
Step one. Be insecure. The world is changing: women are in the workforce, and Mr. Mom’s at home with the kids, making dinner. Where are you, tough guy? Are you ferreting security blankets from the bottom of the laundry hamper for small fry with attachment issues? Or are you banging secretaries, showing up for dinner whenever the hell you feel like it, and, generally, just being a man? If you don’t take a stand for your right to be a traditional man in your own traditional home, there’ll be nothing sacred left. Every man in the new world order will have to fend for himself: make his own sandwiches and learn for himself whether he’s horny or confused or sad—and what to do about it all. There is no alternative to this: liberated women won’t have anything to do with a man like you.
Step two. Don’t wonder how the word “abuse” came to be applied both to people and drugs. Don’t think about how abusers are capable of using a drug that makes them feel better in the short-term, even while routinely handling their problems in a way that is damaging to themselves in the long-term. You should particularly not consider the ramifications when, instead of a drug, the abused is capable of being victimized, like a wife or a puppy. Instead, continue regarding all non-men as products available for your comfort and pleasure: unfeeling, practically unlimited resources to use as you like. After all, you’ve earned it, just by being you: a man.
If you feel bad, there’s no need to figure out why: all you need to know is what will feel better. If a pill or a smoke won’t help, maybe a woman will. If sex isn’t the answer, you could degrade her until she feels as bad as you do. Won’t that feel good? At least in the short-term! Or you could just throw some pots around or kick a puppy or whatever the heck you want. All I’m saying is, don’t think about it. You might imagine that your inclination to abuse yourself, drugs, women, or all three at once is fueled by a yawning hole in your interior life where your emotional maturity should be, rather than just a fun, macho way to pass the time. And that’s no fun.
Step three. Marry a woman who feels the same way you do about gender roles. The last thing you need is some uppity woman who’s going to challenge your authority or threaten to leave and support herself. Make sure your woman has been raised to know her place in the home.
It used to be a given that marrying a very young woman would eviscerate any insidious feminist thought. Since there are fewer traditional women in our culture than ever, know where to find those who remain, as well as the men who defend traditional manhood. Seek out workplaces, religions, clubs, and politics that preserve and celebrate man as the head of the family. Consider buying a bride from a really impoverished country, who’ll appreciate everything you do for her. Bro-tip: Whether you’re courting her the old-fashioned way or ordering her from an Internet catalogue, spend extra for a pretty, young, and docile bride: this will practically guarantee the respect of other men.
Step four. Be a loner. Even though you use your wife or girlfriend to comfort you when you’re sad or down on yourself, don’t take her into your confidence. You’re not her friend: she probably has some women-friends to talk to, and you’d better hope they’re the right kind. In fact, it might be better if you make your wife a loner, too.
Don’t listen to anybody else about how to conduct your marriage. A real man would never try to advise you on your private life, unless he thought you were a pussy who couldn’t handle his own affairs. You know what you need to know, innately, the same way your wife knows how to soothe a crying infant. It’s lonely being the only one around who’s right, but that’s your burden as a man. Suck it up.
Step five. Consider emotional skills “women’s work.” You work hard to cultivate a public image of yourself as powerful, self-controlled, and mature. That’s the real you. At home, in private, you can relax your control. Since your family is an extension of your flesh and ego—part of you, really—whenever you’re with them, you’re effectively by yourself. Express your discomfort as loudly as possible, as soon as you’re aware of it, so your family can rally around you and see to your needs. Don’t even consider that anyone but a woman could possibly comfort you.
Step six. Don’t learn anything about the work women do. Cleaning, cooking, taking care of people around the clock: none of this is natural to you, so it must be a natural trait of women. It couldn’t possibly be learned, either by women or by men. Go on taking for granted that women want to serve you, live to serve you, and are available to you for that purpose. Don’t think of women as people like you, or their work as work like yours. You’re so obviously, completely different from a woman, you can’t possibly feel the same way about your self-esteem, the regard of others for the job—women? jobs? Ha!—you do, or pride in doing important work well.
Step seven. Teach your kids by example. Don’t confuse your sons with talk of emotions and relationships. Don’t comfort your little boy if he’s sad or frightened: that’s not your job. Send him to his mother or, if they’re just visiting, to your girlfriend. Make sure little Bobby knows what a woman is for. In addition to comforting you when you’re hurt, make sure your kids know that when you yell at the woman in your life, it’s because she signed up for this. Make sure little Susie learns to take her brother Bobby’s shit, so she’ll grow up to be a good wife to her own domineering husband. It’s important that both you and the mother of your children impose appropriate gender roles on the kids, so if you catch your her interceding on Susie’s behalf in an altercation with her brother, make sure you get right in there and yell at everybody to lay off Bobby already. He’ll thank you for it.
Step eight. Take up space. Men are big: bigger than women, and much bigger than children. Men are biggest! Take that, women! Sorry, where was I? Sometimes I get caught up in being such a big man. But it’s what makes us the protectors, and you the protected. Men, wherever you go, take the space you need to be a man. And this isn’t only in your home and car, which are both your private, impenetrable spaces for doing whatever you like. This is when you’re out in the world, because abuse only starts at home. Your masculinity, which is rooted in your privilege to abuse, goes wherever you go. Whether it’s to throw some shit, wave and honk at other drivers, or get drunk and make passes at wait staff, do whatever you need to do to express your masculinity. Involve as many people as possible, and take as much time and space to do it as you feel necessary. Remember: this is about you. Whether you’re on the road or at home, it’s up to others to get out of your way or please you better. If it looks like someone’s not going to jump when you say to jump, show them your fists. Let them know you’re not afraid to turn anything into a physical confrontation.
Be willing to hit a woman or even a child, but only if they’re asking for it. And if you go too far, and decide you would like to make amends, make your apology as big as you are. Be grandiose, so she doesn’t forget how much you meant it when you said it. Refer to it the next time she complains, or any time you need to remind her of your generosity of spirit.
Step nine. Be loyal to the brotherhood. Make the effort to avoid conflict with other real men. You need one another’s company and self-regard, because how another man sees you is infinitely more important than how your wife or children see you. Other men, not our wives and children, are the key to our happiness and success, because only men hold power. Remember where the power lies the next time you hear another man say something that sounds bullying, selfish, emotionally immature, violent, or uncivilized toward his wife or girlfriend, and mind your own business. If he’s a real man, he already knows everything he needs to know about being a man, and he can deal with his family as he sees fit. You can safely assume that he’ll figure it out on his own. Don’t think of his family first: the important person in this scenario is the man. Once he figures things out, they’ll be fine. It’s a trickle-down theory of happiness and success, and it’s proven. Look at all of those eons of men subjugating women. Could they all have been wrong? No, they’re men! An even if they were wrong, it still looks pretty awesome for us, anyway. We’re going to have to hold down the fort of traditional marriage together, as brothers, if only so you can still subjugate your own woman while there’s still time.
Remember these easy steps to being abusive, and no one will be able to challenge your God- given authority as a man again. Yes, it’s that easy!