There are certain things that happen in the dating world that will give away the secret as to why someone is still available, even when they’re super great, butterfly-inducingly attractive, and obviously intelligent. This is one of those stories.
I was on a date with this six-foot, good-looking, successful man who was checking all of the boxes (this was back before I got rid of the checklist). Then he started telling me about his fancy car, the international luxury trips he takes a few times a year, and all of the money he makes.
Wow, I thought to myself. Red flag! How unattractive. Another guy who’s insecure and hiding behind his success.
No sooner did those thoughts hit my mind, than he asked me the quintessential question that can’t seem to escape the first date repertoire.
“What are you looking for?”
I started to tell him, and he interrupted, “A guy with a lot of money right?”
“Honestly,” I replied, “money is great, but it’s not it.”
His jaw dropped open, “Now that is refreshing!”
He wasn’t used to getting that kind of reaction from a woman he was into. This man was so used to women who were into him for the kind of life that he could provide, that he had become a bit guarded.
Now, let me be clear—do women want a man who can’t pay his bills and lives out of his parent’s basement? Not necessarily. But a man who is confident with wherever he is in life, who is sincere in his pursuit of a connection, and who is being his true self—that’s attractive behavior.
The problem?
After a few run-ins with dates who are only interested in superficial connections, men have a tendency to lower their standards when dating. This happens for a few reasons. Let’s talk about them so you can avoid (or stop) dating down and attract a partner who is a better fit for your life.
Because when you can look at some of the core reasons why you may not be going after what you really want, you can have the awareness and ability to shift it.
Not enough
When we engage in behavior that runs contrary to what we want out of life or is good for us, this usually comes from core wounds. Core wounds are created from some kind of trauma to your system. A common core wound that leads to dating down is a feeling that you are not enough or not good enough to have what you want. This particular core wound can show up in a few different ways:
- The fear that the type of woman you desire won’t want to be with you
- The desire to feel needed instead of wanted (which creates a codependent bond)
- Settling for less, believing this is the best you can get
Safety in control
Another way men will often protect their hearts is by dating down. It’s safe and easy to be with someone who isn’t fully it for you because that means you don’t have to show up fully for them.
This often shows up as:
- Wanting to keep your options open
- Fear of heartbreak
- Fear of commitment
When you create a situation where the other person is replaceable, it maintains your control in the relationship (and therefore, your life). This creates emotional safety because dating down means you don’t have to be all in commitment-wise. If you don’t have to commit, then there’s no chance of real heartbreak and you maintain both safety and control.
The extra bad-news: this is another way to settle in life, not just your relationships.
Sure bet
Do you have a tendency to date the person who likes you first or that you believe without a shadow of a doubt that you can get? If you just go for people who show interest in you first, it’s another way of maintaining control. And let’s be honest, in this situation, it’s easier to date down because you don’t have to put the work in—not just the courting work either. The inner work to grow as a person.
When you’re not putting the work in, it’s less of an investment emotionally because you’re not as bonded to the person you’re dating. That means you won’t get let down if or when it ends.
The sneakier downside to this habit is it keeps you from becoming who you’re meant to be. If you don’t date an equal, you don’t have to step up and be an equal. It’s another way of coasting through life. Dating down distracts you from your purpose in life and keeps you playing it safe.
Calling in a great match
If you’re tired of dating down (or you just want to call in a great partner), you first have to get clear on what you really want in your person. Make it less about the physical appearance and more about how they make you feel—your alignment in values.
So many people are attracted to what they don’t want because they haven’t taken the time to actually get clear on what they do want. If you don’t know what your top values are, what you want in a relationship, or what you want in your future, take time to reflect and write it down.
Next, focus on your behavior. In order to attract and keep the kind of partner you want to be with, what behaviors do you need to stop doing?
These are likely the exact things you’re doing that are keeping you from attracting the right partner.
Now, you have to do the inner work.
Where do you find yourself feeling like you’re not enough? How does this manifest in your life? Where does it show up?
When you can look at some of the areas within yourself and you’re aware of how they show up through your actions, words, and presence, it will give you insight into what needs to shift to call in what you want.
No one is perfect, but a man who is willing to work on himself and knows his weaknesses is sexy! That is how you attract an aligned, healthy partner.
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