Dating is like a day at the zoo.
And in this dating zoo, one will encounter many beautiful, dangerous, and mythical animals. Aggressive ones, timid ones, healthy ones, toxic ones, quiet ones, loud ones, ones that only come out at night (or while drinking), and the most dangerous of all…
The animal pretending to be another species.
Despite the seemingly endless variety however, I’ve encountered, dated, or formed relationships with three types of women:
Humans, Unicorns, and Wounded Birds.
That is not to say that men don’t fit these categories as well. They do.
Before I dive into each type, I’d like to introduce you to some key concepts.
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Sex, Love, and Fantasy Addiction
Like any addictive substance or behavior, addiction to sex, love, and fantasy is challenging to overcome. It causes obsessive/compulsive behavior, the return to painful and addictive relationships, and a fantasy world in which we develop “safe” relationships with unavailable people.
These relationships induce a near constant state of anxiety, which in itself can be highly addictive through the hormonal and neurochemical highs they produce. This causes couples to equate intensity and sexual chemistry with love, and emotional pain and trauma with intimacy.
Links to Codependency
According to Pia Melody, renowned author and staff member of The Meadows in Wickenburg, AZ, addicts are usually codependent as well.
This means that underneath an adult exterior is an emotional immaturity fostered by childhood wounds that keep us “stuck.” John Bradshaw likens this to being ruled by our wounded inner child. Having done inner child work, I can tell you this is a powerful concept.
Codependents, in their attempts at dealing with an “intolerable reality” (as Pia Melody puts it), are essentially needy, manipulative, are driven by a need to caretake, and/or a need to be taken care of.
They subconsciously look for people who both feel familiar and seem to give them what their dysfunctional parents couldn’t: unconditional love.
This of course, is a fallacy.
Addicted to Dreams
Unlike love addicts, who constantly look for someone to chase, love avoidants need someone to chase them. While the love addict’s overt core wound is abandonment, the overt core wound of the love avoidant is enmeshment.
What’s maddening is the fact that due to the love addict’s belief that they will be abandoned, and the love avoidant’s belief that they will be enmeshed, they actually attract the type of people who will do just that. It’s by definition a self-fulfilling prophecy!
Additionally, since abused children cannot compute the fact that their all-powerful, all-knowing caretakers are wounded adult children, they develop a rich fantasy life that both alleviates their pain and protects them from a harsh reality.
Unfortunately, this addiction to fantasy is carried into adulthood, and plays out significantly in romantic relationships.
. . .
Humans
These creatures are emotionally available, stable, are able to take care of themselves, and aren’t looking for anyone to “complete” them. They have good boundaries, communicate well, and know who they are and what they want out of life.
In other words, they are healthy.
However, to the love addict (Wounded Bird) or love avoidant (Unicorn), they’re also boring.
Why? Because they’re not activated by anxiety, fantasy, and obsession like Unicorns or Wounded Birds. They don’t need anyone, though they may want a partner. While the codependent is on a constant search for someone to fix or to fix them, Humans are usually independently happy, and surround themselves with friends and family who support them.
In terms of Attachment Theory, Humans are the secure types, and to a love addict or love avoidant, secures typically feel dull, too independent, and lack that sense of “instamacy” found with similarly wounded partners.
Of course if you are also a Human, you’ll be attracted to other Humans, and generally form a stable relationship without all the co-addicted drama.
Unicorns
These mythical creatures embody a powerfully seductive quality:
Unavailability.
Similar to the animal of lore, their love exists only in the mind. In what Dr. Michael Pariser calls the Transformational Fantasy, we put these people on a pedestal and think that “if only I could get them to love me, my value will be justified and I will be cured.”
Of course this sets us up for a world of hurt and disappointment, because not only are Unicorns incapable of providing such relief, the whole fantasy revolves around their unavailability.
Should they one day become available, reality would quickly set in, we’d start seeing their imperfections, and the “magical powers” they seemed to have at a distance, would vanish. While it may be euphoric for a short while to have a Unicorn reciprocate our attachment, most love addict/codependents need someone to chase.
That is the basis of the co-addicted relationship: someone always has to be chasing except for the ecstatic but short-lived moments of congruence.
Unicorns are the prize possession of Wounded Birds, and they typically have a Transformational Fantasy around a person who needs to be “saved.” While their core wound is enmeshment, they also have a covert fear of abandonment.
In other words, they need someone to depend on them to feel safe, such as the Wounded Bird.
Wounded Birds
These creatures, adept at pulling on our heart strings, are in need of rescuing — or so they seem.
They trigger a sense of safety and superiority in the Unicorn, allowing their partner to feel needed, empowered, and able to exit the relationship at any moment, which is exactly where a love avoidant likes to be.
Of course the downside to this dynamic is that should the Wounded Bird develop a sense of independence, or is suddenly able to take care of themselves, the love avoidant would lose their sense of power and control, and their fear of abandonment will be triggered.
This will then start the chasing cycle as the Unicorn withdraws, triggering the Wounded Bird’s fear of abandonment. As the “glue” of neediness and helplessness becomes disengaged, the co-addicted couple will typically use negative intensity to piece it back together.
In other words, someone starts a fight.
Wounded Birds typically have a Transformational Fantasy of the savior — someone who will “rescue” them from their unresolved trauma, and will try to enmesh with their rescuer to calm their fear of abandonment.
. . .
How to Become Human
If you are a Unicorn or a Wounded Bird, recognize first that you are codependent, and you are addicted to intensity, anxiety, and fantasy.
Becoming aware of these addictions and your codependency will open up many doors to recovery, and while it’s not easy work, you can break the cycle found in every co-addicted relationship.
1. Admit that you have a problem
Nothing can be done until you fully accept your patterns for what they are, and stop blaming your partners for being the problem. Do lots of thinking, writing, talking, and journaling to bring your issues and feelings to the surface.
2. Stop the Cycle ASAP
While it’s difficult to stop an addictive pattern, especially to someone else who’s already in the picture, it can be done with support. It would obviously be easier if you’re single, however Pia Melody, in her book Facing Love Addiction, outlines steps on how to do this within a partnership.
3. Get Outside Help
Talk to a qualified person who can ask you the right questions and bring out the hidden beliefs about yourself. Codependents and addicts are inundated with toxic beliefs about themselves and other people.
Having someone to be accountable to is extremely powerful in changing patterns and habits, and is often the reason why people stick with something. An accountability person will be instrumental to your success.
4. Forgive Yourself
Codependents and addicts are often riddled with toxic shame, which only exacerbates the problem. By forgiving yourself — for what you did yesterday or 20 years ago — you can release yourself and allow for progress.
Holding onto shame and beating yourself up does not do anything for your recovery. In fact, it will prevent it.
5. Let Go of Fantasy
Fantasies, those powerful analgesics taken from our past, are extremely dangerous to our lives. They set us up for the dreaded attachment to outcome, where we expect reality to match our fantasies, and lead to painful disappointment.
It’s likely that you superimpose a fantasy onto your partner, so taking the time to really know and accept them will be a critical step.
6. Get Into Action
Perhaps the most powerful of all recovery tools is action. By that I mean doing what you don’t feel like doing, especially if it’s contrary to how you feel.
For example, instead of waiting around for your depression to lift and for you to feel worthy enough to call a friend, it’s calling a friend to feel worthy. Instead of thinking that you have all the answers, it’s admitting you don’t and asking for guidance.
Instead of waiting for someone perfect to enter your life, it’s becoming a healthier person and attracting someone healthy.
7. Accept the Fact That You’re Imperfect
To be flawed is to be human, and no religious, parental, institutional, or societal rulebook can refute that.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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Photo credit: Unsplash