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In a world where we are all so connected, 24/7, through every device, app and social media channel you can imagine, even while we sleep, it’s no wonder so many of us get relationship fatigue.
Even the best, most intimate, resilient relationships need space and room to grow. Relationship fatigue can kick in when we don’t recognise or respect the need to be separate.
In saying that, aren’t relationships all about togetherness? One of my favourite relationship experts Esther Perel says, “desire is like fire, it needs air’. I love that analogy, but what the hell does it mean? Think of it this way. Smother a fire and it will go out. Fan it, breathe into it, feed it with the right fuel and it will ignite.
The same goes when your partner says “I need space”. It doesn’t always mean doom and gloom. It means, “I need space”.
Space is important for all kinds of relationships, from friends to family, children, work colleagues and especially intimate relationships, not to mention the relationship you have with yourself.
Even if you’re an extrovert who gains energy from being around others, your intimate relationships still need time to replenish, rest and refresh.
When my wife and I started dating, we had a long distance relationship. We lived in different towns for the first 2½ years. Whilst this had its own challenges, the reality meant that we didn’t see each other every day, as many couples do. Sometimes on the days I was leaving to go back home, knowing we wouldn’t see each other for a few days, I would smile say “I’m giving you the gift of missing me”. My wife hated that at the time. It was a light hearted comment, but the sentiment was there.
When you get the chance to miss someone, excitement can build, anticipation and desire can grow. And when it comes to intimate relationships, desire is where the magic is .
When a person gets too attached, and can’t exist without their partner for very long, they can learn to depend on their partner to make them feel happy. It’s one thing to miss someone, it’s another to depend on them for your own wellbeing.
When your partner isn’t by your side, you should still be a happy, functioning, content person. The other person should be the icing on the cake. They shouldn’t be the cake.
Having your own hobbies and activities that you do without your partner is invaluable. It means spending some time alone. The balance will be different for everyone. But when you get it right, you’ll be able to bring a fresh energy, a fresh perspective, a story to tell. This is one aspect that helps keeps relationships alive, vital and thriving.
Space and Desire
Desire is linked to our need for adventure and the unknown. It’s is about variety, and no, I’m not talking ‘multiple partners’ here. This is about breaking the patterns of the mundane and the routine. Desire is the antidote to ‘taking for granted’ and boredom. Desire is what gets our minds imagining, hearts pumping and blood rushing.
In this context, desire is about good ol’ fashioned lust. Contrary to the idea that lust is bad or taboo, a good healthy dose of lust can do wonders for your relationship. When it comes to desire, I’ll almost guarantee you that a big part of what fuels your desire, is a sense of wanting what you can’t easily have.
When desire is ‘on-tap’, it can get diluted.
Ever wanted something so bad you could almost taste it, feel it, hear it, see it, smell the scent or imagine the experience. Desire is all about that. It’s about anticipating a togetherness, which comes about by first being separate.
So in practical terms, learn to hold your desire, rather than flaunt it all over the stage like a rock star. Neither is it about playing ‘hard to get’ or withholding. Desire is about energy. Remember the ‘fire’ analogy? Give it some space and it will ignite.
Healthy relationships, healthy people, need a mix of togetherness and separateness. Too much closeness leads to burnout and relationship fatigue. Conversely, too much separation leads to breakdown, disappointment and distance.
I like a lot of closeness. But I’ve also had to learn and respect the need for my partner’s space. It’s not personal, it’s not a sign of anything bad. Being my own person, full and happy, who happens to be in a relationship, is key.
Without space, you’ll find yourself getting irritated more, becoming needy, arguing, taking each other for granted, losing your own sense of self, and losing the excitement you once had for the very person you actually want to be with the most.
When you spend time alone, refilling your own cup, your own soul, your own being, you’ll have something to bring and something to give, instead of being an empty cup that needs to be filled.
First come from a place of inner joy, peace, calm and confidence. Enjoy being separate, so you can revel in coming together (pun intended).
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
This article couldn’t have come at a better time. My partner of 12 years said she needed some space and was going to stay with family for a week and didn’t want any contact. She is trying to figure out where this relationship is going. I spent the weekend freaking out about it, which after reading this may not have been necessary.
I’m going to approach this week without her in a much better way now.