You tell yourself: cool! this’ll be fun. Even if you know that is a damnable lie.
A dude I know just had a baby. Well, clearly he didn’t have a baby. His fiancee had the baby. I may be dumb, but I know how babies happen. In fact, I know all too well. All of my friends are making new Americans. My married friends are popping out babies like they’re doing the rest of us a favor. Off hand, nearly every straight dude I know is, now, or working on becoming, a father. (And it’s not just the condom-hating musicians anymore.)
Like, I find plenty of folks who will corner me at a cocktail party and tell me all about how they’re using Chinese medicine to promote fertility but are also planning on using traditional Western medicine for insemination. Fun!Personally, I try real hard not to imagine these couples tag-teaming Mother Nature, wrestling her into submission, and forcing her to give them a baby. (I often fail and then I have to fight back a smirk. I’m not a good person. I know that.) People want babies. And for a lot of folks that’s no joking matter. So, I try not to laugh.
Eventually, if you (are straight, fertile, and) live long enough, babies become this thing you either do or don’t do. But even if you don’t do the baby thing, you still have to deal with the little bastards. Like, right now… I’m standing perfectly still, totally helpless, in the baby section of a Target in downtown Los Angeles. I’m sure I look ridiculous. I’ve been here for at least ten minutes. There are just so many damn choices.
Nowadays, people (read: my hipster friends) feel it’s proper to invite everyone (read: straight men like me) to baby showers. Two dudes I know. Two new babies. No one warned me about this shit. Baby showers? Really? But thanks to modern manners, and gender equality, I’m now foisted into moments of performance anxiety in the baby section of a Target. Like, this one, right now. I’m desperate to leave, but I don’t want to be the guy who shows up to a baby shower with a big box of diapers and a dopey smile on my face, like, “I got you something. Hope you like it.” If I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do the damn thing. So, now, I need to decide what the hell to buy for my friends’ two new babies… but like, whoa, I’m still so overwhelmed.
Don’t let this happen to you.
In order to make my failure into a success for you, I came up with a few ways to buy another damn baby gift when all your friends are having babies (and you’re single).
First off, as I learned later, most baby showers have a registry. Of course they do! That means they have a list of gift ideas, and people check off the gifts they buy, so that way you don’t both buy the same thing. It’s all very neat, like a British garden party. Of course, I didn’t know that, I figured I was on my own. Thanks to that mindset, I figured out a few things about this baby racket. I don’t just mean obvious points like how, for being such tiny creatures, all their shit is super-expensive. No, I bet you already know that. I came up with other tips and viewpoints that might make baby-shopping as painless as dental surgery.
First off, you’ll find that after about the age of twenty-five or so, you’ll start to receive lots of invitations to weddings. If you’re over twenty-five, you already know how this goes. At first, it’ll seem weird and fun, and kinda cool and grown-up, like getting drunk at a work function. Then you do enough weddings that you start to have opinions about them, you start to dread some invites, and you predict which weddings will include an embarrassing story — once again, kinda like getting drunk at a work function.
Well, once you’re knee-deep in that wedding cycle, next comes a deluge of baby showers. And like I said, these days, it often doesn’t matter if you’re a woman or a man — straight single idiots like me get invited to baby showers all the time. Now, when this happens, tell yourself: cool! this’ll be fun. Even if you know that is a damnable lie. The best thing to do is act a little bit like the new parents, constantly lie to yourself by saying, “everything will be fine.”
Second, once you get into the baby section of your life, when you’re buying yet another gift for yet another baby shower … don’t be bland. You were invited to help welcome this kid to the planet. Make it special. Anyone can pick out a cotton onesie with an ironic joke on it and call it a day. But that’s not you. The key is to pair your gift with the recipient. Remember, you’re not getting the baby a gift. You think you are, but you’re not. You’re getting the parents a gift. If your friend is an eco-minded mom, maybe get her some non-hypo-allergenic muslin swaddling cloths or some Fair Trade handwoven bamboo baby blankets. From what I’ve seen, babies are like little drunks with a bad case of food poisoning. They’re always spitting up, or throwing up, all over themselves. A parent can never have enough swaddling wraps or clean blankets.
Third, don’t make the baby cooler than the parents. Like, if you get them that baby-sized Run-DMC shirt, or the Pixies onesie, make sure the parents know at least one song. It’s embarrassing if a stranger asks the parents about the band and suddenly the baby is just another reminder of how uncool Dad is. So, if God forbid your friends love Nickelback, then get the kid something with a band the parents… no, nevermind, don’t do that to that poor baby. Fuck it, make the baby cooler than the parents. Like, try your damndest to find a onesie that features the name of a Dutch EDM dj. Or some new all-girl K-Pop band.
Fourth, it’s always about perspective. The thing to focus on when you’re in the baby section, muttering to yourself, “fuck this… I don’t know what the fuck you buy a baby…?” be sure to take a deep breath, and calmly remind yourself, yes you do — you know exactly what to get. Everyone loves and needs good stories. Even babies. Buy the little tyke a book that’s fun for the parents to read. Maybe inscribe some meaningful message in the front cover. Done deal. How hard was that? Not hard at all. I know. I told you we’re gonna do the damn thing.
While we’re on the subject of stories, try not to lose sight of yours. Yes, you’re buying yet another gift for another friend who’s having another baby. But that has nothing to do with you. You’re stoked for your friend/family-member/co-worker. They’re lucky enough to be starting (or enlarging) a family.
…Or are they?
Yeah… don’t get it twisted. Remember some babies destroy families. They can push parents to divorce; and they often make obvious the terminal flaws in a relationship. Babies can be real bad news. Who knows? Maybe you’re lucky all you have to do is buy this baby a gift.
With that in mind, when you roll up in that baby shower, knowing full well that “you’re still single?” will certainly be a topic of discussion, rather than feel conflicted about all that, rather than feel anxious about your baby-less life, now, you can be glad your future’s still wide open.
Suddenly, being childless and single ain’t half bad, right? Like, who knows what your future holds. Maybe you’ll find a partner. Maybe you’ll start a family. Maybe you’ll adopt a Himalayan child you find online. You’ve got baby options. But, right now, all you have to do is… you. And buy a gift. So, pick out something that’ll make the new baby’s parents smile. Blankets and books are always a good choice. Oh, and one other thing: be sure to get it gift-wrapped.
Now go enjoy the fuck out of that baby shower!
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This article originally appeared on Medium for Human Parts. Follow them on Facebook and Twitter.
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Photo: Flickr/Adriano Aurelio Araujo