How to Create a Peaceful Relationship in a World That Says It’s Impossible

MAUDE: Peace is a choice, as are peaceful relationships. It came to me this morning that, in the same sense, peace is a verb. Being at peace and bringing it into your relationships takes action. It starts with intention and belief. It is necessary to want to be peaceful, to intend to have peaceful relationships, and to create and maintain them.

It can be a challenge to imbue your relationships with the belief that they can be peaceful and loving. Society encourages the opposite viewpoint, pushing a belief that conflict is inevitable. Phil and I have the experience that it is possible, with intention, to find other ways of being. When core values are shared, there is a path to mutual solutions for differences and disagreements that does not involve conflict, separation, or distancing. All my deep and intimate relationships are built on this belief and intention.

I am active in finding paths to peace when relating. This also means working on my own inner peace. Regardless of the practice, whether it be through meditation, mindfulness, walking in nature, or becoming aware of the love that surrounds me, I am actively engaged in growing toward inner peace.

From this direct experience and its quest, I approach my relationships. What are the actions I can take to manifest this way of being together? Foremost are the actions of truly being with the other person. These involve awareness of the person, interest in them, and offering myself and my presence. It means paying attention, looking upon them with openness and loving kindness, without fear or defensiveness.

Such relationships are not built on the desire to be right or wanting to make the other person more like me. I have an abiding appreciation of the unique nature of each person and am alert to learn who they are, listen to them, and encourage a feeling of safety to share with me.

And then, there is the flow toward each other. This is a special energy that occurs when two people are practicing this way of being together. There is this entity that Phil and I often refer to as the “us”; a sense of the relationship that is palpable. With it comes a pervading sense of peace and goodness that becomes your shared reality: a peaceful relationship.

PHIL: Maude asked about the nature of a peaceful relationship and concluded that creating one is an active process.

My take on what makes for a peaceful relationship sounds like the opposite of that, which is that it requires stillness — a place of being, not doing. This is so uncommon in today’s world that it takes effort to achieve, which is why Maude talks about an active process.

I think this stillness is like a place that lies inbetween some desire, some emotion, some want, coming up, and acting on it. Of course you can act on it, but act on it consciously. and making that gap between the stimulus and response is where you gain a sense of self, free will, autonomy.

One of the things you have to do is to be meticulous with your boundaries. That is to say that you are responsible for what you do and what you say to other people and how you interact with them, but you are not responsible for what they do and think. You give the other person full rein to be themselves. By letting go of that need to interfere, you achieve peace by laying down that burden. Of course, to do that, you have to believe they are of good will. Luckily, that is generally the case with people. It’s how we are able to live with each other. Malice is the exception.

It should be clear by now that peace is not part of the relationship, but something you bring to it that lives within you. When the other person brings it too, that is what creates the peaceful relationship.

When we both do it, it’s a very interesting experience because there’s me and there’s Maude, and we don’t impinge on each other. But the very fact that we have no antagonisms, no sharp edges, no areas we don’t go, means that we have the ability to flow towards each other without limit, and so there is a dual experience of me and us.

The ways you choose to be peaceful are an active process, and that implies choice — an intention to be this way. You need to know where you are headed. Peace is a visceral experience, and to reach it, you have to believe that it exists. Just because there is much conflict and strife in the world and in relationships doesn’t mean that it is inevitable.

PHIL and MAUDE: What do you do to create peace within your relationships?

Here are some of our previous articles that speak to some of the essentials of creating a peaceful relationship.

You Can’t Love If You’re Not There: Why Presence Matters “So when you are with someone, by all means, share with them what happened and plans for the future, but also take in the sense of being with another person, because this is a deep need that we all have. To do that, look or listen or feel for the stillness. Which doesn’t mean not allowing yourself to move; it means not doing anything, it means just hanging out. Being present like this with someone involves two things. One is paying attention to their words, their pauses, their tone, their body language, and not being distracted by what else is going on in the environment or what you have coming up later in the day. The other is paying attention to what is happening within yourself — your breath, tension, feelings, and thoughts. Just observe them rather than holding on to them. It’s about doing nothing, of just being on a fairground ride, letting it take you on its journey.”

Pay Attention — It’s How to Best Support Each Other “I decided to watch and listen for a clue as to what he really wanted. And here starts the story of a completely different journey than the one I had been pursuing. I had begun with what I wanted for him or imagined being a great way to celebrate. These ideas had very little to do with Phil. They were my creations. As the date drew closer, my observation and hearing of what Phil really wanted and needed became clearer. He would be happy and comfortable with a small intimate celebration with immediate family. I was able to think of just the right place, private enough, but beautiful, quiet enough for everyone to hear, with delicious food and not too much traveling. Phil had said to pass on the word that he wanted no gifts, just the company and cards. I passed the word on about only cards, and our granddaughter picked up the ball for the family, creating gorgeous cards for each family member to write on. Yet, I wanted to give him something that would acknowledge who he is and would bring him joy. Phil is deeply caring about the environment and it lays heavy on his heart at all times. He wants to contribute in this area. So I had a forest planted in his name (120 trees) to be planted in areas that badly need reforestation.”

Make Sure You Pay Attention to Your Relationships “That sense of loving connection arises because in every close relationship, there are not two, but rather three entities; each of the individuals and the relationship itself. By paying close attention, you can be aware of this, that it is not you and not the other person, but exists as a fusion of what each of you brings. This is a thing to cherish and to nurture. Be active in feeding your relationships. Connections that are steeped in truth and the sharing of your inner spirit bring with them calm, joy, and strength to meet the challenges of everyday life. These connections are the riches of your life. Appreciate them, savor them, and when you can, keep them current. As precious as your once-every-so-often relationships are, it is those that you interact with in the present that help you work out the problems of everyday living. It is with those that you share decisions, get advice, complain, rejoice, and grow.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.