The concept of Introversion and Extroversion was proposed by infamous psychoanalyst Carl Jung as a way to classify where each group sources their energy. Jung’s explains that:
“…extroverts are energized by crowds and interaction with the external world. Introverts need alone time to recharge, and they’re often more reserved in their manners and engagement with others.”
While studies show that a majority of the population identifies as an ambivert—somewhere in the middle of the spectrum— it’s usually easy to gauge which end you skew towards. For instance, some of us fantasize about silent retreats, while others dream of being at a Berlin club until 8 AM.
If you identify as an introvert and are partnered with an extrovert who requires very different things to feel energized, I can sympathize.
While most of the people in my life describe me as calm and introspective, I describe my partner’s extroverted energy as a constant level of “mosh pit”. I’m not kidding. I regularly get his elbow to my face while we’re awake or asleep.
We are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to how we gain our energy. Knowing this, we do everything we can to respect each others energy levels because we value who the other is as an individual and care about each other’s well-being.
A relationship between an introvert and extrovert is not doomed, but it’s certainly more work than some people are prepared for.
In my relationship, there are times when I wonder if we can really manage our differences to keep each other happy. But when we actively work on the three points outlined below, life moves along smoothly.
(So smoothly that there’s even time to fight about petty relationship things like replacing toilet paper rolls and putting socks away.)
Be ready to compromise more than you’d like.
If the relationship is going to work, it’s likely that both sides will have to compromise more than they are comfortable with. Here are a few scenarios of what this looks like:
1. Your partner invites you out and you want to bail for the 11th time in a row.
There will often be times as an introvert when your body is screaming at you to stay inside, work on that new project, or curl up with a good film.
However, sometimes your partner is looking at you with big, puppy dog eyes, hoping you’ll finally make it out to the latest gathering.
At this moment, when you are deciding if you’ll join, try overriding your default response. Turn “I don’t know, I don’t want to be out that late” into, “Ok, that sounds fun. I’ll come, but I want to be home before midnight”.
Now, you have shown that you can step a bit outside your level of comfort, but also set a boundary. In a loving and respectful relationship, your partner will be happy to have you join them, and not guilt you into staying out later than you can handle.
2. Your partner wants to stay out later than you can handle.
If you really can’t stay out as late as your partner, and they’re having the time of their life, just leave alone. Without them.
You don’t need to make a scene of it, and it doesn’t have to be a fight. Give them a kiss, remind them you love them, and crawl into bed early. Trust that they will be responsible enough to stay out without you. If you can’t trust in that, there’s a separate issue at hand.
Of course, there are times where they will go home early with you, or you will push yourself to stay out a bit later, but this shouldn’t be an expectation.
Especially in earlier phases of relationships, it seems like if you go home separately, that something is wrong. But learning to make peace with how you socialize differently will normalize leaving on your own timeline. No guilty feelings.
Accept that you will never change your extroverted partner.
A common mistake people entering relationships make is assuming that they can shape and mould their partners. When it comes to dating an extrovert, you have to understand that changing this element of their personality would whittle them down to a ghost of their former selves.
I’ve known my partner for ten years. He often reminds me that I was aware of his extroverted personality long before we ever got together, so why is it such a point of tension now? It’s not going anywhere.
And he’s right. Removing the extroversion from him would be to change every fibre of his being. When my partner doesn’t get out and see other people who aren’t me, he visibly wilts like a flower who isn’t getting enough water and sunlight.
In a healthy relationship, we want our partners to feel like their best selves. You shouldn’t want them to wilt in exchange for a companion who will stay at home on the couch with you. Get a cat for that.
Appreciate their differences. Be open to learning from them.
As an introvert, I could stay inside for days on end and need very little from other humans. But there always comes a point where the isolation no longer serves me, and I wonder if I’m not pushing myself enough to get out in the world.
Enter the extroverted partner.
There’s a beauty to both introversion and extroversion, but the latter seems to come with a special ability to really make the most out of life.
Extroverts like to gather people they love, see the world, and do things just for the experience.
Usually, when I join my partner for an activity, I see the world in ways I never would have if I’d stayed at home. I always feel like I’ve come away learning something and even if I complain while we’re doing it, I’m thankful for the memories after the fact.
If you stay open to learning from your extroverted partner, they can enrichen life in ways you would have missed while hiding inside your comfort zone.
Compromise, Acceptance, Appreciation.
Relationships will always be complicated, but if you can remember these three points and actively apply them, your perspective on the introvert/extrovert dynamic will change into something a bit more positive.
- Through compromise, you can show each other how committed you are to the relationship by finding middle ground. Even when middle ground can’t be reached, you can take turns visiting each other’s comfort zones.
- Through acceptance, you can show your partner that you value who they are at the core, even if you operate differently. You give them permission to be whole, and they should do the same for you.
- Through appreciation, you can make your partner feel purposeful and even learn more about the world through their enthusiasm to explore it.
When you work with your differences instead of tugging at their threads, you realize that the prognosis for the relationship feels more hopeful. You may even start to see how you balance each other by offering what the other lacks.
Carl Jung also believed that our relationships can be an opportunity to expand ourselves. So while a lot of growth can happen for the introvert who spends time quietly reflecting, how much growth might happen if we dip our toes into our partner’s extroversion now and then?
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Tim Gouw on Unsplash