How to Eliminate Internalized Homophobia in Four Easy Steps

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Much like Jesus turning over the table because he was unhappy with the financial decisions and shenanigans going on in the church, I too must rip through a belief set that says : black fag your limits are defined and you must not play big in the world or limit what you can think, be or dream for yourself.

As I am consistently approached to offer my written opinions and well thought out world views, my desire to be seen and heard and known begins to shrink. This is the glory and efficacy of internalized homophobia.

As a child, it was not safe to be “seen”.

Being different could mean an ass kicking with no one to complain to or seek help. Often when someone was attempting or being highly successful in their attempt to terrorize or humiliate me my well-meaning but clueless and overwhelmed mother would offer the helpful advice to “ignore” them.

This would have been a great idea if this was before the onslaught of brutality.

This would have worked if these people were bears or bees.

Visiting my parents recently and viewing some very old photographs sent me down a road of recollection that I was certain had been handled and dealt with (forgotten about). While looking at these old photos, I began reflecting on dreams both then and now.

Having a panic attack four days after coming back to my California home reminded me that those demons were still there just waiting for the right music that would inevitably invite theme to dance.

Memories remind us of both nightmares and as Mr. Hughes would say: Dreams Deferred.

I remember wanting to conquer the world with my special brand of singing, dancing, acting, comedy, and showmanship.

Then I turned 7.

I do not recall ever not liking myself or feeling less than until this very young age. Perhaps, homophobia really turns up things a notch or two once it feels that you are at your most vulnerable.

Why did I think I couldn’t do certain things? Why did I suffer silently all the while plotting to get away?

To break away from this very oppressive way of thinking and being in the world I have designed an effective and highly actionable set of points that will help us all.

My first tool for eliminating internalized homophobia is recognizing that this battle will be long and can be won by me and that I will have to be extremely vigilantly committed to holding on to my passion, my mind and myself.

Often the minds and hearts of those that say they love you will be confused by this “culture of lies” we are all forced to live in.

As a result, those of us who revel in our difference and embrace it unapologetically will be branded as angry, stubborn and crazy.

I have been labeled all of these things and worse.

This is a way to discredit and dismiss us and our thoughts.

This threat of being ostracized prevents us from being mentally healthy and holding on to our right minds.

Passion is what drives all great innovators, creatives, and survivalists and those wishing to get and remain mentally and emotionally healthy. Toni Morrison says that there is a presence of anger. Anger is real and can move mountains when it is properly channeled. Julia Cameron states: Anger is a call to action, not the action itself.

Many gay men have serious problems with both anger and a close result of its application, power.

Growing up with confused and emotionally unhealthy individuals, anger and power were always improperly directed. Many gay men were often terrorized as young boys for not being like other boys. Many adults wielded their power in our direction to ridicule and shame us.

Much like the schoolyard bullies who physically threatened us, we were taught early and often that power and anger were negative forces and could cause us harm.

To crush Homophobia’s grip on our minds and the ability to self-govern, the second tool is recognizing the anger surrounding limits that we accepted to survive that were never true and whose only purpose was silence and domination.

Many gay men I know spend an inordinate amount of time angry at the wrong things or not angry for fear of what they or their anger might do the public at large.

Many times anger has kept me safe or motivate or pissed off long enough to make and stick to some changes that would severely positively impact my life.

My anger has never caused any bloodshed or dismemberment although I have often wished for a Kathryn Trammel moment and some deftness with an ice pick or a pot to shove someone’s rabbit into.

These things have never occurred.

I have had the good presence of mind to change my life by not dating bozos and losers, fighting to make sure that my loneliness and need for love and acceptance didn’t allow me to make a decision that could have ended with me being infected.

With righteous anger at our disposal, we can crush the internal demon (media)- Tool #3-that determines our attractiveness.

Often times, I find myself looking at magazines and viewing exceptionally attractive men and then asking myself what makes this individual so appealing. I often wonder what myself and others find so appealing about an incredible physique, taut muscles, no body fat and no wrinkles?

The gay body fascists want us to believe that this is what we as a community have to offer no matter what we achieve or what global changes we institute.

Consuming mass amounts of media visuals allow us to see each other as only and always potential bedmates.

When we view images that are perfect what are we really longing for?

We subject one another to an ongoing and unforgiving pornographic gaze.

The images we consume tell us nothing about the person we’re viewing. Is the person kind or decent and treats his friends well?

Will the less than 8% body fat boy bring you soup when you are ill?

Nurse you back to health with homemade biscuits and jam and an evening of funnier- than- hell British comedy when you have a terrible cold?

Once, the demon that is mass media has been arrested and seen for the very detrimental and self-esteem attacking tool that it is, we can rid ourselves of all forms of addiction-Tool #4.

Sexual addiction, our obsessive need to stay young and our insatiable hunger for love and acceptance have extremely devastating consequences.

A major way that self-hatred., ie. internalized homophobia gets its hooks into us is through sexual addiction. If we are seen as only and always sexual predators, we can never fully love and accept ourselves.

The joke often goes: women need a reason to have sex; men need a place.

To attack the addiction at its root we must tackle two things simultaneously: the way we feel about ourselves and the effect oppression has had on our capacity to imagine and create healthy sexuality under a system which is designed to prevent this from occurring.

It is no accident or coincidence that addiction runs rampant in a community taught that it is inferior with its only goal being servitude and entertainment. If one is seeking community and I have never met a gay man who wasn’t, then we have to deliberately create choices that are steeped in love and honesty.

Addiction is about both inclusion (community ) and outsider status.

When I teetered on the edge of a sexual addiction some years ago, I always felt both a part of something and separated by my dirty little secret that was not fun, hot or liberating.

More often than not I was not sexually aroused just lonely.

When I mentioned this in an earlier post “Should Cruising be Considered an Unacceptable Risk” some of the comments were pretty interesting and downright attacking.

My question then and now was can promiscuity be an addiction?

I suggested that perhaps no one was enjoying themselves but a sexual release takes us out of our loneliness before returning us to it full throttle.

A year ago at a panel discussion on sexual addictions, a therapist leading the workshop suggested what addiction was and was not.

Being the overachiever that I am I had several questions.

Most of which centered on this ridiculous belief, “ scientifically proven” (which I still have doubts about) regarding men’s sex drive and the need to procreate which takes personal responsibility for our behavior out of the mix.

Men are not biologically unable to resist sex at any and all turns.

We have been socialized to meet every need in this fashion.

The socialization process starts early and often and rewards men with the crown of “playa”, “pimp” and or “stud”. There is no way to feel good about yourself if you are constantly and unconsciously screwing everything that walks.

Internalized Homophobia provides us with tools that allow for self-hatred.

It remains difficult to not see each other as walking hunks of meat to be used and discarded if we have internalized and not challenged this basic and disturbing assumption.

We fight back by dealing with our anger and all emotions in a non-sexual manner; Turning off and away from all representations that dictate how we should look and feel about ourselves.

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