Ending the call
We had been on the phone for an hour, getting to know each other. We had met socially a few weeks back. I was very intrigued by this man. And I could tell from his energy that he was having a great time talking with me.
I was single. I was attracted to him. And now I was getting to know him and realizing that we could be a really good match.
Everything was on track.
But then something odd happened.
He had just noted how late it was. The next words out of his mouth took me aback.
“I gotta get to bed. Fun chatting. Have a good night.”
And then he was gone.
I was left feeling extremely confused.
And disappointed.
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Our most basic needs as women
The reason I was so unsettled at the end of that call was twofold. One, he didn’t close it by asking to see me, which seemed odd given how much fun we had talking.
Did he not like me? Did he see me only as a friend? Did I totally misread what seemed to be clear interest from him?
He was the one who was chasing me down for a call. It seemed evident that he was in pursuit of me.
I knew I would see him again socially since we shared some common hobbies and would likely cross paths. Was he just leaving that up to chance? It could be months before we might run into each other again.
Which brings me to the other reason I was so unsettled.
We don’t like to be left wondering.
And here’s why.
Most women have two fundamental needs. To feel safe and secure.
When a woman is left wondering where she stands with a man, it hits her sense of feeling secure.
Women need to know where they stand with a man. They need to know that a man has a plan.
There are a lot of things that go into what helps a woman feel safe and secure, but the most fundamental part is simply making sure she is clear about what’s going on and where she stands with you.
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How to end the call
It turned out that the guy I was talking to assumed that he would see me that weekend at an event (which I wasn’t going to). Because we had common hobbies, he figured he would run into me regularly, which, unfortunately, was not the case.
Therefore, assume nothing, especially if you want to see her again.
When you end a call with a woman you like, make a clear statement of what will happen next.
If you want to see her again, tell her. At least, let her know what your intentions are next, even if it is as simple as connecting with her the next day.
“I would love to hang out with you this week.”
“Are you going to that festival this weekend? Maybe we can meet up there.”
“Will I see you Saturday at the meetup?”
“I will text you tomorrow (or later this week).”
You can keep it casual if you are still feeling things out. But at least, convey some intention so she doesn’t feel left hanging and wondering.
Which never feels good.
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Men as leaders
Part of healthy masculinity is being a leader, and that includes your relationships. The feminine is designed to receive, and so we are oftentimes looking to “receive” your invitations, plans, and offers.
Thus, why men plan dates and ask women out, and we delightfully accept.
When a man tries to “flow” and do things spontaneously, it conveys to the woman that she isn’t worth the effort of planning time with her, and he’s not leading anything in any intentional direction.
Which can be fun at times, but is not good to do as a default.
That “going with the flow” thing can keep a woman in that waiting and wondering position, which can create anxiety and a lack of security in where she stands with you. She wants to know that she is a priority and not some plaything or afterthought.
In my case, since I have multiple hobbies and interests, I had booked up my time with other people, doing other things, so even though he wanted to see me, I was unavailable for the times he assumed he would see me.
Since he didn’t make a dedicated effort to ensure he would see me again soon, I was left to assume he wasn’t very interested at all. I was seeking a relationship and I did not feel secure in his interest in me, so I distanced myself and began dating someone else.
Later I learned that my lack of availability left him disappointed and confused as to my degree of interest.
If you want to avoid that, take the lead and be in command of the direction you want to move the relationship.
…
If you’re not ready
Lastly, if you are having conversations with a woman who intrigues you, but you simply are not ready to pursue a relationship, be transparent and direct about it early on.
Don’t get her hopes up and lead her to believe that you are interested in something you can’t — or won’t — deliver on.
And when you are ready, remember that the best thing you can do is to make your intentions clear.
A woman who feels safe and secure with where she stands with you will deliver the world back to you. ❤
Check out my series of 2-minute videos on Things I Adore about Men!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Kev Costello on Unsplash
