How to ‘Get Away’ With a ‘Work’ Trip

You scheduled a “work” trip.
More like a sex-a-thon.

But how do you get away with it? Follow my devious tips and tricks:

1. If you want to be left alone more on your trips, you must set a precedent and a pattern long before you do the deed — such as working goofy, long hours. No sudden changes in behavior or actions. Courtesy of Conquistador, one of my oh-so-clever readers. Thank you for your comment!
2. Be in the city you told your spouse you would be in. Don’t be in a different place.
3. Be where you have a client or where you might reasonably be for your work.
4. Don’t lie about anything verifiable (like a conference that can be easily Google’d). If it’s a conference, make sure there is a CONFERENCE.
5. Stay in the hotel that you booked that your spouse knows about.
6. Maintain established work trip patterns, such as nightly check-ins with family. Don’t suddenly go rogue and become out of touch.
7. Be mindful of the times of day you use your credit card and unusual charges. This is especially true if you share purchase notifications or have shared accounts.
8. Carry cash for unusual (joint dinners, etc.) purchases. A cautionary tale: if it’s a dinner for two, it costs a lot more than dinner for one.
9. Do not take vacation time and then end up “short” when your spouse wants to take a weekend away later in the year and wonders why you don’t have vacation time left.
10. Always answer your phone. For example — I know someone who got busted by not answering their cell. He went on a “work” trip, and their child fell and broke an arm. His wife got suspicious and called his supervisor to find out how to reach him, and they were told there was NO WORK TRIP and they had no clue where he was. They are now divorced.
11. Be careful with public displays of affection. You never know who you might run into (even in another city).
12. Traffic tickets will out you if you lie about where you are. Follow the speed limits and the law.
13. Don’t show your AP’s belongings in the background of your hotel room during a Facetime conversation.
14. Make sure your spouse does not talk to your work colleagues. “So, how was that trip to _______”
    “What work trip are you talking about?”
    DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN.
15. Do not leave anything in your hotel room. They will mail it to the address on file, which could be a disaster.
    Make sure you don’t pack anything you wouldn’t want your spouse to see in your suitcase.
16. Don’t be a dumb ass and bring stuff home that might be bearing the mark of the beast or, worse yet, smell like a perfume counter at Nordstrom’s. The “mark of the beast” line made me chuckle. Thanks Conquistador.
17. Don’t decide to do your laundry at home if you have never done it before to hide the evidence. The wife isn’t stupid. This is courtesy of Conquistador, one of my super sneaky fabulous readers.
18. He also recommends wisely: If you’re going to pick up condoms and lube — do it after you land at the airport and hit a pharmacy on the way to the hotel. When you’re done, throw shit away. Never EVER travel with that stuff. You’ll either eventually get caught, or the damn lube will open up in your suitcase and ruin all your crap. 100% this.

When you have a vacation with a lover, it’s nirvana. You are walking in the Garden of Eden. It’s affair JACKPOT. I loved pretending to be a “real” couple while being with my AP. It was a tiny glimpse into a fantasy of what I could have. We spent time in bed watching “Stanley Tucci: Searching for Italy” in between hot sex and fantastic food. It was sublime, lol. Him and Stanley Tucci — heaven! I never wanted our trip to end.

Make the most of it, but don’t forget to do your due diligence in preventing affair fallout.

Learn from these 15 tips and tricks to avoid getting caught on your next “work” (smirk) trip.

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Do you want more? Of course you do!

I’m so bad, I’m good. Pretty please, give me your super secret throwaway email. You know you want to…and join me on the dark side.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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Photo credit: Esther Tuttle on Unsplash