How to Get Over Someone You Love (According to Science)

Getting over someone you love can be one of the most heartbreaking things you’ll ever have to do. At times, it feels physical — almost like drug withdrawal. And that’s not just poetic; it’s science.

Research has found that the same brain circuits that light up when someone is craving a drug light up when you’re thinking about someone you lost. So, if it feels like you’re going through withdrawal, it’s because you actually are.

That’s why it’s horrible advice when someone tells you to “just move on” or “just get over it.” Research has found that it’s not that easy. The art of moving on is actually something scientists have been studying for years. If you want to move on, you have to work with your brain, not against it. But how do you do that?

Here’s how to get over someone you love, according to science.

Go “No Contact”

After a breakup, it can be tempting to re-read old text messages, check their Instagram account, or conveniently hang out in places where you might “accidentally” run into them. But each interaction you have with them feeds your addiction to them. It’s like a tiny drug hit, just enough to keep the craving alive.

This is why “no contact” is your best option if you’re trying to move on. It can feel like you’re playing games or punishing the other person, but it’s for your own benefit. “No contact” gives your brain space to reset and, according to research, reduces emotional dependency.

Even a few weeks of distancing yourself from them can help weaken the intensity, and a few months? It can make a dramatic difference.

Think of it like a detox for your brain (and your heart).

Rewrite the Story You Tell Yourself About Them

When you’ve just been through a breakup, your brain has a tendency to idealize the person you lost. We naturally remember the good things about them and the relationship, focusing on the highs and the “what could have been.”

But research has found that when you deliberately shift how you think about your ex can reduce emotional attachment over time. One study found that people who focused on their ex’s negative traits or incompatibilities fell out of love faster.

This doesn’t mean you need to turn your ex into a villain. It just means recognizing your ex’s fault and where the relationship was lacking, rather than looking at it through rose colored glasses.

Honesty is a must when it comes to getting over your ex. And the first thing you can do to make the process go smoother is take them off the pedestal you have them on.

Allow Yourself to Process Your Emotions

A common breakup coping strategy is staying busy 24/7 to avoid feeling the pain. It makes sense to distract yourself… until it backfires.

A lot of people try to stay busy 24/7 after a breakup to avoid feeling the pain.

It makes sense, but it often backfires.

Emotional suppression has been linked to slower emotional recovery. Suppressing your emotions doesn’t make them go away; it delays the entire healing process.

Allowing yourself to cry it all out is a must if you want to move on sooner rather than later. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend or therapist, and letting yourself feel all of the emotions can help you get over them faster.

It’s never a fun part of moving on, but it’s a necessary step you must go through.

The more you allow yourself to feel, the faster the hurt tends to pass.

Give Yourself Time to Move On

There’s no set timeline for getting over someone.

Some research suggests that the most intense phase of heartbreak can ease within 2–3 months of the breakup. But every relationship and every breakup is different.

And if it takes you longer than 2–3 months, that’s okay. It’s normal to miss someone with whom you’ve formed an emotional bond. You might even think about them years later, but over time, the pain will lessen.

The Hard Truth About Moving On

You might want to forget them overnight, but the truth is that it’s not that easy. The reality is that you don’t actually “delete” someone you loved.

Over time, your pain will become lessened. Your emotions will feel less intense. Your thoughts about them will eventually disappear. The memories won’t feel so heavy as they do right now.

And one day, they’ll become a chapter in the story of your life. A page in your history that you could choose to mentally revisit (if you want), but a page that you could just choose to skip over because it will no longer have the same hold on you that it once did.

And that’s what moving on looks like. But it takes a lot of time and emotions to get from point A to point B.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.