We all live two lives: a life in our head and one on the street.
We keep our external “life on the street” composed, regulated, and tucked-in. But the “life in our head” is a lot more disorganized and messy.
While we don’t let anyone see this interior part of us, our partners catch glimpses of it when we’re mad or at our wit’s end.
The more we try to hide our true selves, the more strange we appear to our partners. Sometimes they wonder if we have “issues.” And they’ll ask in utter sincerity: “Who are you?” (When we don’t understand our partner’s actions, it usually has something to do with a part of themselves they’re hiding.)
Why don’t we show our partners more about what’s going on inside our heads? Because this material is close to our psyche. It contains our odd fixations, embarrassing moments, and stuck growth hurdles. To show anyone that stuff might risk them leaving us, so we try to keep that part of ourselves out of sight.
But holding back parts of yourself blocks intimacy between you and your partner. And it denies them an opportunity to see you in full.
One of the important projects we can work on in life is getting more comfortable letting our partners see all of us, not just the curated parts.
Despite our attempts to look composed, what makes people so fascinating, attractive, and captivating is their courage to reveal their messy side and put themselves out there for everyone to see.
These revealers don’t lose power; they gain it.
. . .
When love lacks intimacy
I thought I’d felt love before in my past relationships. But in hindsight, I realize I missed out on it because I wouldn’t let anyone see inside my head.
However, to feel real intimacy and closeness with another human, you need to let them see all of you. And conversely, your partner needs to let you see all of them.
Once my wife and I got comfortable with full disclosure, we felt a much higher level of intimacy than either of us had experienced before. This closeness is not to say we don’t have issues, fights, or struggles in our relationship. We still do. But there’s a much tighter bond and more profound emotional connection because of our understanding and acceptance of each other’s interior life.
The fear of opening-up
When I listen to my friends talk about their relationships, I can hear similar aspects of their “life on the street” versus the “one in their head.” And when I suggest they share that hidden part of their “life in their head” with their partners, they get scared to reveal too much.
But I remind them this fear is why they lack the intimacy they seek. And it’s preventing them from feeling the greater potential of love. However, I don’t recommend just dumping all this material on your partner all at once.
Instead, ask your partner to let you help carry some of their burdens and problems. And try to be the best listener, sounding board, and troubleshooter they’ve ever had on their side.
Getting your partner to trust you with this sensitive material will take time. And it may require you to share embarrassing material first. Whatever you do, don’t judge your partner’s sensitive material with moral superiority, shame, or disappointment. If you do, they’ll close down even tighter.
You won’t figure out the complexity of your partner in one session. It takes time and lots of discussions. But these conversations can be very revealing and illuminating if done in the right manner.
For intimacy to take hold, it needs to be a two-way street. Both parties need to share what’s hidden in their closets and drawers.
Is it scary to open yourself up like this?
Yes! But it’s also liberating to no longer have to wear masks in front of your lover anymore.
I’ve listed five ideas below that can help you and your partner get closer:
1. Assume that your partner is struggling with something big
The notion that someone has everything figured out in life or has found the answer is a myth (or marketing scheme). All of us have got some big issues, conflicts, or complexes we’re wrestling with inside our heads.
And all of us have a vice that trips us up and traps us inside our heads sometimes. If you hide your fallibility, you only give it more power because it uses shame and secrecy as fuel. But if you air it out in the open with your lover, you’ll reduce its grip on you.
2. Don’t allow one partner’s problem to dominate the daily conversations
A typical dynamic that happens with couples is one partner is good at talking about their problems while the other is good at problem-solving. This combination works in the beginning, but not over the long haul of the relationship.
The more the problem-solver builds themselves into the fixer archetype, the less they’ll show their flaws. But assuming your partner is doing ok just because they don’t talk about their problems doesn’t mean everything is alright.
Couples need to allot equal time to discuss struggles, problems, and issues. Both partners’ problems matter, and both need to have their issues listened to by the other. This mutual sharing of sensitive material is a big part of what intimacy is about in relationships.
3. Carry your partner’s self-esteem with care and protection
When we’re children, our parents’ intense adoration provides us with a magical connection and feeling that serves as the first unconditional love and intimacy we experience in life. Even though we poop, cry, burp, throw up and throw temper tantrums, our parents still love us unconditionally.
But as we get older, we don’t get that same unconditional love from the exterior world. And this loss of connection and adoration pains us more than we realize.
To cope with this loss, we suppress our desire for attention, closeness, and connection. And we find other things to do, such as focusing on school, sports, music, art, and other interests. These activities serve as coping mechanisms while we wait for a return to love—which can feel like forever.
And then one day, it happens.
We meet someone that not only “gets us” but accepts us “as is”—or at least what they see on the surface. And our self-esteem rises. We fall in love, and all those suppressed childhood feelings of parental love come rushing out and deposit right into the partner love.
But this new form of love comes with implied conditions, which makes us hide the unflattering parts of ourselves.
Although we call it self-esteem, it’s the other’s person’s esteem for us that makes us feel special and seen by someone, which is why our words and opinions matter. (Remember how damaging your parent’s words could feel.)
If you want your partner to come out more and show you the full contents of their interior life, remember that you carry a big part of their self-esteem and their return to love.
4. Don’t wait to find out what’s wrong
Many couples get so busy dealing with the stress of their lives they forget to check in on their partner’s issues. While they may look ok on the outside, I can assure you there are things they are wrestling with inside, but they may not be comfortable bringing them out into the open.
Don’t wait for these problems to come out in seemingly bizarre episodes or in sarcastic remarks. Ask regularly — perhaps even daily, if you can — what your partner is struggling with today. Set aside a specific time each day to have these discussions. These conversations don’t have to be intense or serious. They can funny, honest, and like reading the next page of an exciting novel.
5. Your partner can also be a good therapist
The truth is, we could all use someone to talk to about our lives. Sometimes, that person needs to be an objective expert, like a professional therapist, with all the right training and tools. These pros know what they’re doing.
But seeing a professional therapist isn’t always possible, nor is it guaranteed to help. The individuals that conceal parts of themselves from their partners also do the same to their therapists—not by choice but fear.
Most therapists only get to see narrow slices of you in 30–60 minute blocks. But they don’t get to see how you operate, address problems, and deal with your daily stressors.
But you know who sees you in all kinds of situations and predicaments? Your partner.
They get to see the madness and insanity of you trying to deal with work, finances, family, kids, loss, and disappointments. And sometimes, they can be your best therapist, as long as they’re mature enough and willing to set aside their relationship needs while listening to your issues.
However, many couples get into this rut where they don’t trust each other’s observations or advice because they fear their partner has a motive or an agenda. And far too often, it’s true. Some couples nag at each other daily in a bending way that prevents partners from wanting to be more honest and vulnerable to their partner.
The best way to get over this distrust is to be generous, selfless, sensitive, and objective with your partner. And to accept their “messy parts” without even a hint of judging, belittling, or plan to change them.
The more you practice becoming a trusted, impartial, and non-judgemental advisor, the more your mate will share and reveal their interior life to you. But this openness takes time, and it usually requires one partner to be the bigger person initially.
Feeling the closeness of love
My wife and I have used these five ideas for many years, and it has done wonders for our marriage. Besides being madly in love with her, we are each other’s best friends, advisors, counselors, and troubleshooters.
But I will admit that it took us some time to figure out how to stop trying to change the other and start trusting each other with our most private interior thoughts.
Being open with each other has allowed us to find a much more fulfilling level of love, intimacy, and connection beyond anything either of us had ever felt before.
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Pexels