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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
Before we dive into today’s episode of The Love Life Podcast, have you taken a moment to think about the question you’d like to ask me? You can literally go to Matthew AI, hit “call,” and ask anything that’s on your mind. Just like this: “Can I ask you a question?” Matthew AI will respond, “Absolutely! Feel free to ask me anything. I’m here to help.” It’s really reassuring, isn’t it? Go ahead and try it out for yourself at askmh.com; you can call or text, whatever fits your situation.
Episode with Jillian Chereeki
Today, I have a very special episode featuring the wonderful Jillian Chereeki, a world-renowned relationship coach, teacher, author, and host of the podcast Jillian on Love. Jillian has helped thousands over the last 20 years through her teachings, courses, and writing to revolutionize their relationships with themselves, which ultimately transforms their romantic relationships.
Jillian just released a brand-new book titled *It Begins with You: Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life*. This was a fantastic conversation; we explore dating, the choices we make, and the patterns from our past that can plague us. We discuss how to shed those patterns in the present and some of those hard truths about love that she elaborates on in her book. Jillian is incredibly insightful, and I know many people who follow her advice. If you’re not familiar with her, this episode will be a great introduction; if you already know her, this is my first time interviewing her on The Love Life Podcast. Enjoy!
Jillian’s Introduction
Welcome back, everyone, to The Love Life Podcast! I’m here with my friend Jillian Chereeki. It’s so much fun to have you here in LA!
“Oh my God, I’m so excited to be here! You have no idea! When we did the interview for your podcast back in February, I think it was right before your book came out. It feels like a lifetime ago. We did that online, so meeting in person is a whole different ball game!”
I really appreciate you coming out. I know many in my audience already know you, but could you briefly introduce yourself for those who don’t?
Jillian’s Background
I’ve always been in the mind-body relationship space. I taught yoga for nearly 20 years. I always felt like I wanted to do something more, but I had no idea what that was. I considered going to school for psychology, but it didn’t feel right. Many years ago, I met the man I would marry, and then later divorce. I thought I’d get married, have kids, and juggle it all, but it never quite felt right.
I always say that our relationship before marriage was about 90% great; we were quite compatible, but 10% was extremely problematic. You can argue that no relationship is perfect, which is true, but that 10% was profound. Despite thinking I had it all together, I realized I hadn’t been modeled a healthy self-esteem in relationships. I didn’t learn effective communication or how to deal with conflicts.
When those 10% red flags presented themselves, my only goal was to prevent any rupture that would lead to the demise of the relationship. I was good at lying to myself and suppressing issues instead of addressing them. I thought everything would be fine until we got married—then the 10% became the 90%, and the 90% became the 10%.
The Shift After Marriage
This shift happened almost immediately. My husband wanted children right away, but I wasn’t ready. Even though I was 38, I knew I was fertile. So we got a dog instead. We didn’t address fundamental issues and didn’t have those important conversations. A significant moment happened a couple of months before our engagement when he abruptly shut down one evening. We were on our way to an event in New York City.
I felt a tension in my body reminiscent of feelings from childhood around my father, who had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I learned to walk on eggshells. During the event, he stonewalled me, and afterward, dinner was awkward. I didn’t bring it up the next day, which was my fatal flaw. I didn’t deal with it, and unfortunately, similar patterns emerged throughout our relationship.
Communication Breakdowns
These patterns continued as he often shut down whenever conflicts arose. I didn’t know how to handle it. Now, my standard is very different. If someone cannot communicate about their feelings, they don’t get a ticket to my heart, period. I understand that men might struggle to express emotions, but there must be communication.
Where do you draw the line between someone who is a poor communicator due to their upbringing and someone who is toxic? Does it depend on the situation, or is there a threshold?
Setting Boundaries
It depends on context. If someone struggles to articulate their feelings, then they may just need support. But shutting down completely is different. Stonewalling is problematic, and it usually looks like someone retreating emotionally. They might still talk to you, but there’s an emotional disconnect.
If conflict arises, the ability to communicate is essential. If you’re in a relationship with someone who can’t converse about feelings or emotions, that’s a huge red flag.
Patterns in Relationships
Diving deeper, I found that my marriage ultimately became very unhealthy. My mother was diagnosed with cancer as my marriage was falling apart, and I learned harsh lessons about love and relationships during that time. This catapulted me into a path of helping others with their relationships and understanding what truly makes a relationship work.
Learning from Pain
I became obsessed with understanding what a relationship needs to thrive. I realized that accountability is crucial, along with self-awareness. Couples need to recognize their contributions to relational dynamics for growth to occur.
I began working with couples, and interestingly enough, I’ve come to learn that heartbreak can often inspire transformation. Choosing a partner is the most important decision you will ever make.
Overcoming Childhood Conditioning
Do you think that your past patterns—like treading on eggshells—are behind you or have they resurfaced?
I haven’t been triggered in that way lately because I choose not to engage with people who lay down the eggshells anymore. I’ve worked on overcoming codependent tendencies to meet my emotional and financial needs independently.
Self-Esteem and Dating
As you’ve evolved, what common dating patterns do you notice in others that hurt them? The patterns can vary, but often I see people rushing into intimate situations without understanding one another—playing “house” with strangers.
People tend to get lost in fantasy, seeking the perfect partner who will make everything better, but that isn’t the reality.
Breakups and Heartbreak
A common pattern during breakups is the overwhelming feeling of being unlovable, that no one else will want them. When you experience heartache, it can feel like you’re not desirable anymore.
How can someone shift out of that emotional state? Writing down limiting beliefs is vital. Challenge them—are they really true? Start exploring different perspectives and surround yourself with people who uplift you.
Moving Forward
In terms of practical steps, even if you feel invisible, work on becoming visible to yourself first. Make changes in your life that uplift your energy. Whether it’s in your appearance, personal interests, or social circles, you must start radiating the energy you wish to attract.
Jillian, you have such deep insights and a wealth of experience. What would you like listeners to understand about your book, *It Begins with You: Nine Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life*?
This book is for anyone struggling in their love life—whether you’re single or in a challenging relationship. It serves as a guide to empower and equip you with practical, actionable advice to embrace change and take charge of your romantic life.
Conclusion
Thank you for joining us today on The Love Life Podcast. If you would like to follow Jillian’s work, you can find her book at JillianT.com/book. Thank you to Jillian for sharing her insights, and thank you to our listeners. We’ll see you next time!
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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