One of the hardest things about depression is understanding it. This advice will help.
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Depression is devastating. When someone is suffering from depression, their entire life is blown apart. It can be a massive struggle just to make it through each day. But they aren’t the only ones who struggle. The people who are often forgotten are the loved ones of a person with depression. No-one tells them how to cope. They don’t know what to do. I would like to try and offer some advice to those people.
Knowing somebody you love is struggling with depression leaves you feeling incredibly helpless. You feel if you could say the right thing, or do something special, that maybe you will be able to help them to get better. But you don’t know what to say or what to do.
You try a gentle approach, you try a firm approach. You give them space, you try to get them to open up. You suggest things that can help. You buy them presents. You say encouraging things, you get frustrated and argue. Yet nothing you do seems to make any difference.
From my experience, the big mistake that people often make is that they treat depression as a mood, as if saying or doing the right thing will lift the depression. What you must remember is that depression isn’t a mood – it’s a very debilitating illness.
If somebody had a broken leg, you wouldn’t tell them to go for a run. You would be patient, you would understand that it will take time, patience and rehabilitation. When the leg heals and you can walk again, it still can take weeks for it to regain full strength. It may never be as strong again. Depending on how bad the break was, it may alter how you walk, what exercise you can do, even how you stand. It may never be the same again.
That is EXACTLY what depression is like.
Just because you can’t see an injury doesn’t mean that it isn’t debilitating. I talked in my previous article about how, after my worst bout of depression, it took months before I felt I could do my job properly. Even now, two years on, I’m not the same as I was. I don’t do overtime. I don’t work night shifts. I don’t get left on my own for too long. There are countless other little things as well. This is because my depression completely changed my entire outlook on life, and it changed who I was as a person.
When their loved ones are battling depression, when they are in that darkness, human nature is to try and ‘fix’ them. For a lot of people, this approach won’t work. Whilst there are things you can do, like giving the day a routine, and trying to find activities to keep the persons’ mind active, you are not going to be able to make someone “snap out of it”, it’s just impossible.
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Try to imagine that depression is like being in a dark tunnel. The person with depression can’t see a thing, because everything is surrounded by darkness. Every sound is amplified, every fear is magnified. All they want to do is get out of the tunnel, but they can’t see where to go, they don’t know what to do. Your natural reaction is to lead them out of this dark tunnel, back to the light.
This is the WRONG approach.
You may think it makes sense, but for the person with depression, nothing makes sense. That’s the nature of the illness. They can’t be led out of the tunnel, because the fear is too great, the darkness is too dark. Trying to drag them out of this tunnel is more likely to make them curl up and hide than do any good.
For men, in particular, this approach can backfire greatly. Men, by their very nature, are trained not to talk about their issues. We have been told, since the moment we could understand, that ‘men’ don’t ask for help. It has been ingrained upon our very psyche that to show weakness or vulnerability is to go against everything that defines what a ‘man’ is. It doesn’t matter that those stereotypes are hopelessly wrong, and decades out of date. The instinctual reaction for a male is to insist they don’t need help, that they can manage by themselves. Indeed, any pressure on a man to open up, or to accept help, often backfires. Men revert into themselves, put up emotional barriers, and shut down. You can’t force anyone to open up at the best of times, and pressuring a man when he’s at his lowest ebb will create more problems than it solves.
What you need to do is be there for them. If they talk, just listen. Don’t talk, don’t give them opinions. Just really listen. When I was at my worst, everybody I tried to talk to would give me an opinion on how I could ‘make things better’. The thing was, I wasn’t asking for an opinion. I just wanted to relay how I felt, and for the person to listen, give me a hug and reassure me that however long it took, they would stay in the darkness with me until I found my own way out. Yet no-one listened. They talked, and they advised, and they suggested, and they tried to help, but they didn’t LISTEN. That, more than anything, is what you need to do. Sit with them, let them talk. However upsetting or shocking what they say is, don’t give advice, just listen. When they finish, hug them, tell them you love them, and that however long it takes, you will be there until they find the strength to get better. You will never be able to lead someone out of the dark tunnel, all you can do is stay in the tunnel with them until they feel strong enough to lead themselves out.
Yes, it’s hard. In many ways, hearing my loved ones tell me about their darkness was worse than living in my own. Yes, it’s often thankless. And yes, at times, you will feel rejected. But don’t give up on them. Support them, love them, and be there for them until they find the strength to get better.
And most of all, when they talk, listen.
Photo—Chris Barber/Flickr

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66 Comments on "How to Love Someone With Depression"
I am trying to support my husband, but he has recently told me he has had an affair. I love him very much (we’ve been together for 24 years) and am trying to support him, but am so hurt. He doesn’t know if he wants to stay at home with me and our two children. We are getting counselling but am I am fool to think he may come out of depression to find his feelings of love for me again?
Well as you said that you should just listen.. You can do this when the person is in front of you .. What if that person is writing to you about what’s going wrong with him through a msg or through a chat… Then usually it is assumed by the depressed that you are not interested in listening yo him because you don’t reply or even if you just do hmm then it is taken as that we don’t care.. What then? What can you do at such cases?
What if the person you love refuses to seek professional treatment for their depression, starts lying about anything and everything, actively seeks to drive a wedge between you and eventually refuses to talk/communicate at all? How does one continue to be supportive when all the above is causing you to lose confidence and become depressed?
FasterEFT can remove depression! Find a practioner! Now!
What is EFT, please?
Very insightful article. However it seems incongruous to me to say at one point “What you must remember is that depression isn’t a mood – it’s a very debilitating illness.” and then at the end of the piece imply the very thing you argue against, that the loved ones should just hang in there until “they find the strength to get better.”. As if the person with depression just needs to buck up and “find the strength” to get better. While the rest of the piece shares some thoughtful, articulate insights…that last bit undermines it.
[…] 19, 2012 BY ANDREW LAWES 48 COMMENTS […]
As a lifelong depressive who self-medicated for twenty-some years, this article rings true. Unfortunately, the downside to this debilitating illness is: we often don’t WANT to burden others with our problems, and so would rather keep quiet than force someone listen to the “woe is me” talk. When we’re depressed, we’re also hypersensitized to how others might react, and choose silence over talk, even if it’s with a therapist. At least that’s how it manifests for me.
Hi Christian my name is Mily, I am in 10 grade and I am doing a project over depression for school. I just read your respond to the artical and I was wondering if you have any interest in helping me finish my project by just answering some questions or even by sharing your story with me. Just email me and I will give you more info about it. Thank you so much!
Milly,
I would be pleased and honored to assist with your project. Please contact me at:
gmpeducationeditor@gmail.com
Christian M. Lyons
So listening is very important, I hear that. But how do you deal or comfort a depressed partner(loosely used term) who refuses to talk. For 2 years I’ve been dying to hear anything real come from his mouth, anything regarding how he feels and what brought about this vicious change in personality. The closest he gets is when he’s so drunk he can’t walk straight…that’s the only time he opens up about how miserable he is. It’s so sad. Other wise, it’s almost like he’s become an unfeeling, robot version of himself. Even most of his laughter doesn’t sound real..
[…] recently read an article (https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-love-someone-with-depression/) that has helped me to continue to gain insight into myself, my life, and how to “move […]
I started crying as I read this article. I have suffered from clinical depression for 23 of my 35 years, and I know that people are at their wits’ end trying to deal with me, and I don’t have an answer for them, nor have I ever been able to pull myself out of it for more than a few weeks at a time. I am going to forward this article to them in the hopes that it will be easier to understand the problem if it comes from someone other than myself… Thank you.
Thank you.
[…] How to Love Someone With Depression – This is an old article, one which I know I have read before, and I am pretty sure I have linked it on this blog before as well. But I don’t think it can be shared too often. If you have someone in your life who has been diagnosed with depression, be they friend or family, please take a minute or two and read this. It outlines what depression feels like and what you should and should not do in your effort to help. […]
Yes, I agree. Listening is the best thing you can do. Being there in the dark tunnel with someone is giving support. Support is key in someone’s recovery. However, the person listening has to continue to take care of themselves. Attend counselling sessions or be part of a support group for loved ones who live with depression. Self care is essential to be able to continue to be supportive and listen. It is not your responsibility to fix… Just listen… be there and love..
I often feel that I no one will love me for me when they see my moods and low times. That they will leave because it’s all just too much for them to take. My self doubts. My anxiety. My over thinking. It’s too much for someone. I get that actually. Yet I want someone to be there for me despite all this. To love me despite all this. But I don’t know if there is someone like that. Or ever will be.
For me, this could have been called “How to Love Yourself.” So often, learning to love yourself in the midst of depression is the hardest thing to do. Thank you for sharing.
I loved a man with depression, unfortunately it came close to destroying me as well as him. It was the end of our marriage when he was unable to seek help after a year of agonising struggle for both of us.
For those that survive I salute you, an enormous task for both the person with depression and those that love them