How To Make a Relationship Last a Lifetime

If you Google,

“How can I make my relationship last?”

You’ll be bombarded with many answers, most of which are nothing but hot air. Things like

“Take your partner’s breath away. Communicate. Do something spontaneous. Learn what your partner likes sexually.” etc.

Do these elements matter?

To an extent. They can keep a romantic partner interested. Can they make the relationship last?

No.

Take spontaneity, for example. Unless you plan on spending your life hatching surprises and all that, it’s not sustainable.

This train needs more fuel.

Then there’s the sex thing. When the endorphin rush dwindles, dude, you’re back to square one.

Now you have to to unearth some tricks.

Plus, people have walked out on partners with whom they had mind-blowing sex. So there’s that.

Then there’s the Good Old Communication. This one is kind of a big deal. Because it can lead to stonewalling and detachment if not done well.

But won’t give you a forever after.

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So what works then?

What are the four predictors you won’t want to bail out when the passionate stage of love fizzles out?

The young people at the front are asking,

“But aren’t relationships built on passionate love?”

Not exactly.

They start on passionate love but are sustained by compassionate love.

Passionate love — which lasts about two years tops — is when your infatuation is at an all-time high. It’s those moments when you rip your lover’s clothes to shreds. You know what I mean.

This though? It isn’t enough to make a relationship last.

If Shakespeare were here chilling with us, he’d probably say that’s why he killed Romeo and Juliet in the end. He didn’t want to deal with the drama of a divorce settlement and all those custody battles for Romeo Jr.

Moving on.

Compassionate love, though? Now that’s what you want. It’s the secret sauce. It’s what you should be looking for. Aiming for.

Can you see all those older couples at the back nodding their heads? If you ask them, they’ll tell you what it looks like.

Decision. Commitment. Action. Mutual respect.

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Where were we? Ah, the four big predictors of a lasting relationship.

1. Commitment: Choosing to push through no matter how steep the climb. Persistence.

2. Satisfaction: Being content with your person.

3. Quality of alternatives:

“the extent to which the individual’s most important needs could be effectively fulfilled ‘outside’ of the current relationship.”

4. Investment size: The importance and magnitude of what you stand to lose if the relationship ends.

I don’t know about you, but these things seem a bit abstract.

So let’s break them down in relation to relationship longevity.

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Commitment:

My friends separated recently. Before this, all they did was tell each other, “You used to… “ As if they had married Angel Gabriel, and he’d now joined the forces of darkness.

People change. Yet, most couples remain so fixated on the person they married those fifteen years ago that the distance between them keeps getting bigger.

Commitment is choosing to marry your partner many times over the course of your lifetime. Even when they change, evolve, and grow.

Because healthy normal humans do. If you’re still the same person, you were in the “good old days,” maybe you’re the problem.

…

She wanted him to spend all his time with her. He’d have wished to be out playing basketball. He didn’t want to spend all his time doing nothing.

But he did. Hey, have to make her happy, right?

Yesterday, he signed up to the local gym because not even magic will make the excess twenty-three kilos he’s carrying disappear.

In long-lasting marriages, spouses allow space for their partners to grow. Then, they fall in love with the new person their partner is becoming.

It’s the understanding that love is a choice. Made daily, even when you’re not “feeling” your partner.

Feelings are transient. They ebb and flow. You have to decide. Choose your partner. Choose the relationship, above work, school, kids, and your family. It’s something you do. Not feel.

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Satisfaction:

Learn to be content with your partner, even when you feel attracted to someone else, because you will feel attracted.

Here’s what I heard a relationship expert say once:

Fighting it or avoiding it will only make it so likely that you’ll follow the trail of attraction. You have to accept that it’ll show up from time to time. The best insurance for your marriage’s longevity is to watch out for emotional and physical neglect for both you and your lover. Then, fill those needs. It’s hard to look for something you already have.

Also, satisfaction comes when you learn to untangle the messes of your youth or yesteryears.

I learned earlier in my second marriage that if I desired fulfillment, I needed to deal with the remnants of my first marriage. Creating a space for someone new to come in required me to do the work first.

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Quality of Alternatives:

The older couples right there at the back will tell you that their relationships lasted not because their partners were the finest people in town, but because what they offered was the best thing in town, according to them.

They were happy with what they had, so they stayed.

Because the truth is, we’re always looking at what others could bring to our lives if we were in a relationship with them. We just don’t admit it.

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Investment Size:

Oh, the things we do for love!

We move across continents, do long-distance relationships, change towns, leave jobs, disown family, get disowned by family, and lose kids and friends. You know, the works.

If you’ve gone through these things, it won’t be easy to get up and bounce.

You’ll ask yourself,

Am I willing to lose this after what I’ve put into this marriage? How valuable is that which I stand to lose if the relationship ends? If the answer is no, what am I willing to do to make it work?

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How to make a relationship last:

Forget passionate love. Decide, Act. Commit.
Marry your partner many times over the course of your lifetime.
Fall in love with the new person your partner is becoming.
Steer clear of the words: “You used to…”
Watch out for emotional and physical neglect (Yours and your lover’s)
Work on untangling the messes of your youth or yesteryears. (This is best done before you get into another relationship)

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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