How to Make Them Chase You Without Playing Games

Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.

The Challenge of Finding Love

But I can’t stress this enough. In our love lives today, everyone is really, really good at—and rightly so—complaining about what dating is like and how hard it is. And sure, it is hard. Finding love is hard. It’s the wild west. There’s so much bad behavior, so many ways for it to go wrong.

Unfortunately, our love life is an area we can influence but not control with the same precision we can in other areas. If we want to lose weight, we can eat better, work out, and our body will change. But in love, you could go on a date every day for a year and still not find love—or find it and lose it six months later. It’s maddening because it’s one of the most human desires, and it panics us. First, it frustrates us and makes us angry, but eventually many people start to panic: “What if I never meet anyone?”

Taking Ownership and Leadership

We can’t just decide, “I’m going to find love in the next three months” and make it happen. But what we can do is go into our dating lives from a place of leadership. Too often, people approach dating passively, constantly checking the cultural “temperature”: Are people putting in effort? Are they chivalrous? Do they call, or just text? Do they commit?

If you’re not careful, you can get stuck in a passive state about all of that. Mitch Albom said, “If you don’t like the culture, you have to be brave enough to create your own.” That applies to dating too. Instead of complaining about the culture, ask yourself: What culture do I want to create in my love life?

Creating Your Own Dating Culture

If you’re tired of constant texting, why not leave a voice note? Why not bring new energy, enthusiasm, flirtation, or humor into an interaction? A voice note, a laugh, or a playful comment creates intimacy and connection beyond another text on a screen. That’s leadership. Instead of only mirroring someone else’s energy, you model the behavior you’d like to see.

Of course, if you consistently model the behavior you want and the other person never meets you there, then you know to step back. But you can’t live only in mirroring mode. Real growth happens when you lead and model the culture you want to create.

Standards and Boundaries

A great standard to have is: lead and model the kind of culture you want. And if someone doesn’t meet you there, that’s when you set boundaries and standards. You don’t keep modeling investment for someone who isn’t matching it.

Otherwise, you risk creating a relationship culture set at the wrong level: constant texting, little effort, no calls. And even if the relationship lasts, it will remain stuck at that level. That’s why it’s better to set the standard from the beginning.

Being Honest From the Start

Too often, we act unlike ourselves so that people will like us. We become “low-maintenance” to be appealing, even though deep down we have real needs. Later, when we reveal those needs, it feels like a bait-and-switch to the other person.

Being upfront is powerful. For example, if someone’s silence while traveling makes you feel uneasy, saying so isn’t being “high-maintenance”—it’s showing intentionality. It tells the other person, “I have real feelings, and I want something meaningful.” That honesty helps both people see if they’re aligned.

Fear of Rejection and Communication

Many people avoid expressing needs because they’re afraid of being labeled “needy” or “crazy.” But hiding what you feel only delays the truth. And when you finally express it a year later, it will feel like just as much of a surprise to the other person.

The key is to communicate honestly without making demands. You can share what matters to you, and the other person can share their reality too. Maybe daily calls aren’t realistic for them, but regular communication in another form might be. It’s about finding compatibility, not perfection.

Compatibility Over Perfection

We have to zoom out and ask: Does this relationship, as a whole, meet my needs? Do I feel safe? Do I feel wanted? Do I feel connected? Compatibility isn’t about two perfect people—it’s about two people who can handle each other’s imperfections well.

Love isn’t all you need. You need admiration, mutual attraction, commitment, and most importantly, compatibility. You don’t need someone perfect. You need someone whose challenges you can understand and have compassion for—and who feels the same way about you.

Final Thoughts

When you set the standard and model the culture you want in your love life, you may not always get exactly what you want. But you’ll know whether the relationship holistically gives you what you need. Too many people stay in unhappy relationships because they don’t ask the most important question: Is this relationship right for me?

Thank you for watching. Don’t forget to leave me a comment—I love reading them. And before you go, make sure you watch the replay of my live event Dating Made Simple before it disappears on May 30th. You can watch it at lovelifereplay.com. No matter how hard finding love feels right now, this will make it simple again. I’ll see you there.

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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